Yesterday about the Rambam’s reasons for arguments, contention, and breakdowns in relationships. When there are two people that have been raised with a different approach to things, they naturally like what they’re used to. But there is no right or wrong. The Rambam gives an example of people who live in certain places and eat things of lower quality, but look oddly at people who eat better foods
People of different cultures like their foods best. A person from one culture says, “Our food is the best food, and everyone knows that our Shabbat cooking is the best,” while at the same time, people from other communities say the same thing about their Shabbat food.
There are endless examples of things that we do in their homes, thinking that those are the best ways to do things, but there really is no right and wrong way. Is there a right amount of time that Shabbat meal should take? Should it take one hour? Two hours? Three hours? Four hours?
In one couple, the boy was raised to think that Shabbat meal takes under two hours, whereas his wife’s family has a meal that takes four hours. He complains that her meals are so long, and she complains that his meals are so short. The first step is to realize that there is no right and wrong. Different people have different ways of doing things, and different ways of looking at things. But human nature is that once a person is used to something, they want to protect that way. That is why people don’t understand things- because they want to protect their previous stands. They are used to it, so it’s automatically right.
This is very important for human relations. When we get into arguments, we have to pause and ask ourselves these questions. This concept actually has a source of modern day psychology. It is called Confirmation Bias. It is the tendency to search for, interpret favorably, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one’s prior beliefs or values. Once you believe something, you naturally and subconsciously look for things that will strengthen your belief. That was the story with the spies. They walked into the land and they said, “The land consumes its inhabitants.“ Rashi explains that that was not what was really happening. God was making funerals happen in order that the spies would get lost in the crowd. The Steipler adds that if people really died every single day, they wouldn’t be making such big funerals, because it would be commonplace; that people died all the time. But people see what they want to see, and see what is going to confirm their previous information or opinion. That is why, when you get into an argument, you have to realize that about yourself.
Studies say that medical practitioners may prematurely focus on a particular disorder early in a diagnostic session, and then seek only confirming evidence. That is why a good diagnostician is a humble person. He doesn’t say, “I saw that and it’s right.“ He always leaves his mind open. We all have to be humble diagnosticians in any situation. Don’t jump to conclusions and think you have it, further strengthening your original opinion.
There is a famous debate about whether last year‘s teacher should give all the information about the children to the next year’s teacher. On one hand, the new teacher should know all this information. But on the other hand, you have already tainted his view. These are extremely important rules and fundamentals for how to stop arguments, and how to understand the way we see things. Because if we don’t understand and appreciate the fact that we will always strengthen our previous opinion, we will never be able to see the other opinion. Have a wonderful day.