The Innate Spark of Giving
Welcome to our daily lessons on character refinement. We are citing the Michtav MeEliyahu in his Kuntres HaChesed (page 35 / chapter 4), where he explains that every human being possesses an innate spark—a natural desire to give. For each person, this desire manifests in different ways. Ideally, one raises a family, has children, and gives devotedly to those children. People who do not have biological children often adopt because of that deep internal need to give. Others care for a pet, channeling their drive to nurture and provide through that relationship.
He explains further that Hashem implanted this spark of giving within everyone—and decreed that it would never be extinguished—because without it, the world could not endure. People would neither marry nor raise families. Therefore, Hashem ensured that this impulse to give would permanently remain part of human nature.
Expanding the Circle of Love
However, because it is initially only a small spark, people naturally choose to give only to those who find favor in their eyes. They provide for them, benefit them, and love them, viewing these individuals as extensions of themselves: their immediate family, relatives, close friends, and neighbors. Others are viewed as strangers, toward whom they apply the trait of taking—competing with them and taking whatever they can.
Yet Rav Dessler points out that the very act of giving generates love. A person is a stranger to you only because you have never given to him. When you give to someone, you begin to love him, because you now have an invested portion of yourself in him, creating a genuine connection. He was considered an outsider only because that interaction had not yet taken place; once you give, he feels like kin, and love develops. Through giving, your circle of love expands outward.
Giving Precedes Loving
This leads to his fundamental principle: we do not give to people because we love them; rather, we love them because we give to them.
He illustrates this principle through the story of a young couple who cherished their small child. When war broke out and chaos ensued, the family was separated: the father and the young boy escaped in one direction, while the mother was forced in another. For many years they remained parted, with the mother spending that entire period longing for her child.
When the war finally ended and they reunited, there was an unmistakable disparity between the father's bond and the mother's bond. Although both were devoted parents, and the mother had yearned for her child throughout the years of separation, he was no longer the child she had actively nurtured and raised day in and day out. The father, having carried the daily burden of giving and care throughout those formative years, possessed a far deeper emotional connection.
This concept aligns with the teaching in Masechet Derech Eretz Zuta (Chapter 2):
"Im chafetz ata lidbok b'ahavat chavercha, hevei nosei v'notein b'tovato"
(If you desire to attach yourself to the love of your friend, engage actively in his welfare).
Giving and Taking in Marriage
On a deeper level, how does love develop within marriage? The Midrash (Bereshit Rabbah, Chapter 17) teaches that an unmarried person is considered half a body; a husband is not complete without his wife, nor a wife without her husband. When they marry, they give to one another by filling the void and providing what the other lacks.
Over time, however, this initial harmony can erode. While marriages typically begin with genuine concern for one another, the default human tendency toward self-centeredness can reassert itself. When partners stop being givers and revert to takers, they begin viewing the relationship through a lens of entitlement: "You owe me; you have responsibilities toward me; you must satisfy my needs." When that happens, the bond steadily weakens.
For this reason, Rav Dessler notes: "I always tell a couple under the chuppah: if you want a successful marriage, your constant focus must be to give satisfaction and joy to your spouse. Once you shift to making demands, the beauty of marriage dissipates."
Those who refuse to marry often do so because their urge to take is so dominant that it overrides the natural human drive for union. The same dynamic often explains the hesitation to raise a family.
Hakarat HaTov: The Hallmark of the Giver
Rav Dessler also applies this distinction to the foundation of hakarat hatov (gratitude). What is the true root of gratitude?
- The Giver: A giver desires solely to bestow goodness upon others and avoids receiving favors or handouts. When someone does extend a kindness to him, he feels a strong urge to reciprocate or pay for it. If he is unable to do so, he feels deeply indebted—and that authentic sense of indebtedness is what motivates his heartfelt "thank you."
- The Taker: A taker constantly seeks to draw everything toward himself, whether through manipulation, taking advantage, or simply taking gifts without appreciation. Deep down, he feels that everything belongs to him by right. Consequently, when something comes his way, he feels no genuine obligation to acknowledge it. This is the root of kefiyat tovah (ingratitude). Even when a taker offers a polite "thank you," it is often mere flattery—an empty gesture designed simply to keep the gifts coming. He wraps himself in the garment of hakarat hatov, but beneath it lies merely another strategy to take.
Hakarat hatov is an outgrowth of giving, whereas kefiyat tovah stems directly from taking. Because authentic appreciation requires the humility of a giver, our entire service of Hashem is founded upon hakarat hatov. One can only attain this foundational middah to the extent that he transforms himself from a taker into a giver.