Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness. We previously spoke about Halishut HaDaat, which is a deflated feeling of a loss of self-worth. It's a dangerous point in life that, quite often, can be triggered by others. If people outside do not give a person the proper recognition and make them feel relevant, it can cause them to go off the deep end.
The Midrash Raba Bamidbar 22,6 tells us that there were two wealthy people in the world. One was a Jew and one was a goy. Korach was the wealthiest Jew and Haman was the wealthiest goy. They both got lost because they were chasing honor. They weren't happy with the respect that they got. I don't know what came first. Maybe they became wealthy because they were looking for respect, or vice versa. Regardless, they were not happy with themselves. And there's a commonality between them. As is well known, Korach’s wife sparked his feeling of deflation when she poked fun at him, “Moshe is the king. His brother is the Kohen Gadol. Your younger first cousin became the prince, and you were left out. They shaved you and waved you,” she taunted him.
Similarly, Haman had everything in the world. He was invited to the king's party, just he and the queen. He was wealthy, he had children, he had honor. Everyone bowed down to him. And yet, when he walked out of the first party and saw that Mordechai did not bow down to him, he said what to me is one of the most powerful lines, “V’kol Zeh Enenu Shoveh Li/ It's all worthless to me.” Everything I have is worthless to me as long as I see Mordechai not bowing down to me.” The Gemara says “V’kol Zeh/all this” indicates that he pointed to something. Haman had written on his heart, all of his accomplishments. Quite often, people who lack self-worth constantly need to remind themselves of all that they have done. Haman had all his accomplishments written on his heart, but it all dissipated in a moment when Mordechai refused to bow.
Similar to Korach, the rabbis tell us that Haman also wasn't respected by his wife.
This applies to husbands, parents, and anybody else that's of value to the person. It says that when Vashti cursed Achashverosh and didn't want to come, Haman was the one that said, “Off with her head!” Why? Because Haman's wife was also at the party. He had a hard enough time with his wife as it was. Now she’d be empowered by the disrespectful queen? So, he wanted off with her head. He says, clearly, “If this happens, all the minister's wives will start becoming empowered.” He also makes a rule to counter it, that in any household, if the man speaks one language and the wife speaks a different language, they have to speak the language of the husband. All of this was done to protect him from his wife belittling him.
So, we see two very wealthy, very powerful men who are lost because of their lack of self-worth, and we trace it back to the ones closest to them. It’s very important to understand that people have a need to be recognized and seen, especially by the people that care about them.
I was recently speaking to a fellow who was looking back on his childhood and shared with me that he was not the best in school. He had older brothers who were more scholastic than him, whereas he was almost a dropout. But he says, looking back, that what gave him the strength was that whatever he did, his mother always complimented him. “Don't worry, you're the best. It's okay. You're good.”
That makes all the difference in the world. Of course, it has to be real. It can’t just be lip service, but that's the power that we have to undo people's Halishut Hadaat. It's a big responsibility, but it's basic. Rav Ades speaks about this a lot. It’s important and necessary to give real compliments, and not criticize, because early in a person’s development, this creates self-worth, and can prevent that Halishut HaDaat.