Lesson #107: Insubstantial Faults
A boy comes home from yeshiva and is approached by aneighbor. The neighbor explains that adifferent boy in this fellow's yeshiva was suggested as a Shidduch for theneighbor's daughter.
"Please tell me about this boy," the neighbor asks.
The first rule of thumb that must be followed when aperson is approached asking about somebody suggested for a Shidduch is that hemust first ask a simple but critical question: "What would you like toknow?" It is vitally important to havethe person inquiring to ask specific, pointed questions. Otherwise, if the person who is approachedbegins speaking about the prospective Shidduch, deciding on his own whichinformation to provide, he may very well end up sharing information whichHalacha does not permit sharing. Therefore, whenever one is approached and asked about a prospectiveShidduch, he must ask the inquirer to pose specific questions.
Returning to our story, the neighbor asks theyeshiva boy about the other boy's Middot (character traits), and the boy speaksglowingly about his character. Theneighbor then asks about his diligence in Torah learning, and the boy says thatthis student is exceptionally diligent, ranks among the top boys in theyeshiva, and has a promising future ahead of him.
Then, the neighbor asks about the boy's family.
The boy knows that this student's father is not asreligious as his children. He does notlearn, and he does not even regularly pray or attend the synagogue. Is he permitted to disclose this informationto the neighbor?
The Hafetz Haim writes that such information may notbe revealed, as it is considered what we might term an "insubstantial fault" –a "fault" which is not significant enough to be permitted to disclose. The father's level of observance is simplynot important enough of a "flaw" in this Shidduch to permit speaking about it.
Of course, if the boys' parents are not even Shabbatobservant, or if they resent their children's religious commitment, and intendon making things difficult for their children because of it, then this is veryrelevant information which should be shared with the girl's father, as it couldadversely affect the marriage. However,if the father simply is not as religiously devoted as his son, this informationis considered an "insubstantial fault" and may not be shared.
When people are seeking information about aprospective Shidduch or business partner, they might start "digging" to find faults. Care must be taken to distinguish betweenfaults that are substantial and faults which aren't, and only those in theformer category may be revealed. Especially when it comes to questions concerning the family, much of theinformation that one knows about the family is not significant enough to beallowed to be shared. For example, it isforbidden to divulge information about the family's embarrassing past history,as this will hardly impact the children's marriages.
Additionally, we need to remember: Avraham Avinu'sfather was Terah, an idol-worshipper. Asa general rule, unless there is room to suspect that the parents will interfereand make life difficult for the couple, information should be given about theprospective marriage partner, and not about the parents.