Lesson #109: Disclosing a ProspectiveShidduch's Level of Religious Observance
One of the most sensitive topics that arise in thecontext of inquiring about a prospective Shidduch is the issue of religiousobservance. A typical example is two menwho meet each other in a store and one says to the other, "Hi, I wanted to askyou about this guy who was suggested as a Shidduch for my daughter. The Shadchanit said such wonderful thingsabout him, and she made him sound like a perfect match for may daughter. You know, of course, that my daughter is veryreligious, she attended such-and-such seminary, and is really somethingspecial. She is looking for a seriouslycommitted, religious boy with whom she will grow spiritually. From what you know of this boy, do you thinkhe is on the level that she's looking for?"
He mentions the boy's name, and his friend is startled. He has firsthand knowledge that this boy doesnot even observe Shabbat, and does not always ensure to eat kosher. Nor does he wear Tefillin every day. The fellow cannot believe that this boy wasrecommended as a Shidduch for an exceptionally religious girl.
What does Halacha permit saying in this and similarsituations?
If one knows for certain that the boy suggested as aShidduch has heretical beliefs – such as if he does not believe in Hashem'sexistence – then he must reveal this information even if he is not asked. If a person knows that a religious girl isdating or considering dating a boy who he knows is, unbeknownst to the girl andher family, an Apikoros (heretic), then he must inform the girl and her familyof the boy's heretical beliefs. If,however, the boy is not an Apikoros, but he is not strictly observant, then theHalacha in such a case depends on the nature of the boy's religiousshortcomings. If the boy fails tofulfill his basic religious obligations, such as Shabbat, Kashrut and Tefillin– meaning, the Misvot that define a religious lifestyle – and the girl and herfamily are unaware of his non-observance, then one who has firsthand knowledgeof the boy's neglect of these Misvot must inform them that the boy is not onthe religious level that they are seeking. If, however, the boy is generally observant, but is occasionally not ascareful as he should be, then one should not inform the girl and her familyabout his religious shortcomings.
Of course, it is not always easy to draw the linebetween Misvot which define a religious lifestyle and those which do not. Therefore, one should consult with a Rabbifor guidance when such situations arise. If somebody knows that a girl seeking a strictly religious marriagepartner is dating or considering dating a boy whose standards fall short of herexpectations, he should approach a Rabbi to determine whether the informationhe has about this boy should be shared with the girl's family. The Rabbi will then determine whether theboy's shortcomings are significant enough to be divulged.
Needless to say, the area of Shidduchim is anexceptional context in which it at times becomes important to reveal negativeinformation about a fellow Jew, in accordance with Halachic guidelines. As a general rule, however, we should alwaysstrive to focus our attention on the positive qualities of our fellow Jews, tospeak their praises, give them the benefit of the doubt, and view themfavorably.