Lesson #110: Engagement
A man gets a jubilant phone call from hisbrother-in-law, informing him of the engagement of his daughter. The elated father tells his brother-in-lawthe names of the boy and his parents, and in the course of the conversation itbecomes clear that certain financial commitments were made by both sides tohelp the young couple as they begin their journey together.
The man gets off the phone and does not know what todo. He knows the boy's father, and hehas firsthand knowledge that he has a history of failing to follow through onhis commitments. He never fulfills hispromises, even those put in writing. Thereis every reason to suspect that he will not honor the financial commitments hemade to his son and his bride.
Should this man inform his brother-in-law that thefather of the boy to whom his daughter is engaged has a reputation for failingto fulfill his commitments?
Halacha forbids the man from revealing thisinformation to his brother-in-law, since the decision has already been made andthe engagement has already been announced. The exception to this rule is if the man knows with certainty that his brother-in-lawwould not break the engagement upon learning of the boy's father's history ofunfulfilled promises. For example, ifthe man knows that his brother-in-law likes the boy so much that nothing aboutthe father would cause him to break the engagement, then he should inform hisbrother-in-law of the boy's father's reputation, and urge him to take measuresto ensure that all commitments are fulfilled. If, however, revealing this information would likely lead to thebreaking of the engagement, then it is forbidden to share it with the girl'sfather. In such a case, the man shouldconsult with a Rabbi for guidance as to how to proceed.
This entire discussion refers to a situation whereone learned about the Shidduch only after the engagement. If, however, the man heard about his niece'scourtship before the engagement, and he knows that this Shidduch is predicatedupon certain financial commitments, then he is allowed to approach hisbrother-in-law and inform him of the boy's father's reputation. Since the couple is not yet engaged, it ispermissible at this point to disclose this information, which can impact thegirl's family's decision of whether or not to agree to this match.
May we all be privileged to celebrate joyousoccasions which truly bring joy, and only joy, Amen.