Lesson #111: Revealing an Illness AfterEngagement
Imagine a person hears about an engagement, and hehas firsthand information about the groom's medical history. He knows for a fact that the groom had oncesuffered a life-threatening condition which could resurface, or has a seriouscondition in the present, and the girl and her family are entirely unaware ofit. Neither the girl nor her parentsrealize that the boy she is planning to marry has a serious medical condition. Is this fellow allowed to reveal thisinformation? Clearly, before theengagement, one who has such information is allowed to reveal it to the girl orher parents, as this information is significant and will impact the decision ofwhether to go through with the Shidduch. But is this allowed even after the couple's engagement?
The answer is that if, indeed, the person hasfirsthand knowledge of the boy's serious medical condition, then he may – and,in fact, must – approach the girl or her parents to inform them. Even after the engagement, he should not waituntil he is approached, but should rather take the initiative and bring thismatter to the family's attention.
However, if he does not have firsthand knowledgeabout the boy's condition, and has only heard about it from others, then he maynot divulge this alleged information to the girl's family. Since this information could break theengagement, it may not be presented unless the person knows for certainty thatit is true. But if he just heard aboutit from other people, and cannot verify whether or not it is true, then he maynot pass these rumors on to the girl's family – not even with a disclaimer,clarifying that he does not know whether these rumors are correct. The person in such a case should first try toverify the information, and only then, if he definitively confirmed that theboy suffers from a serious medical condition, should he approach the girl orher family.
An exception is made, however, if he knows that thegirl's family would not accept the information conveyed to them at face value,but will rather go through the trouble of inquiring. If this family is the discerning type, and donot right away believe everything they hear, then the man may reveal to themwhat he had heard about the boy's health, even after the engagement. Since sharing this information will notnecessarily result in the breaking of the engagement, it is permissible.
These Halachot demonstrate that once a bond has beenformed, Halacha imposes stricter guidelines with regard to disclosing informationthat could break the bond. Bonds are veryspecial, and must be handled with extreme care. They may not be allowed to break easily. Let us, then, be exceedingly careful with all our "bonds," with ourclose relationships, and constantly work to strengthen them.