Lesson #112: Family and Shidduchim
In previous installments in this series, we haveseen that Halacha takes a far stricter stance when it comes to sharing negativeinformation about a partner once the partnership is formed. While Halacha allows, under certaincircumstances, sharing relevant information about a prospective partner beforethe arrangement is finalized, the rules are far more stringent once the bondhas been formed. After a couple isengaged, for example, sharing information about the boy or the girl with theother party, which will likely cause them to break the engagement, is generallyforbidden.
However, the Hafetz Haim ruled that even after acouple's engagement, if a person knows that the boy's father, for example, doesnot observe Shabbat, or has heretical beliefs (such as not believing inHashem's existence), he is permitted to reveal this information to the girl'sfamily. Assuming the person hasfirsthand information to this effect, and did not merely hear other peopletalking about this man's non-observance or heretical beliefs, he may approachthe girl's parents, who are unaware that the groom's father is not observant oran Apikoros (heretic), to inform them.
It goes without saying that all the standardconditions required for sharing constructive Lashon Ha'ra are relevant here, aswell. The man must – as mentioned – havefirsthand knowledge of the information he shares, may not exaggerate even oneiota, must present only directly relevant information, and must be pristinelysincere, without any feelings of ill will or animosity toward the person aboutwhom he speaks. If all these conditionsare met, then he may inform the girl's family that the groom's father is notreligiously observant or does not believe in the basic tenets of Judaism.
This is allowed because such information is notnecessarily going to break the Shidduch. Very often, parents are happy for their daughter to marry an outstandingboy regardless of his parents' standards of observance. Therefore, sharing this information isallowed for the purpose of alerting the family to a potentially compromisingsituation, as the daughter is joining a family which is not religiouslyobservant.
May Hashem help us avoid falling into the trap ofspeaking Lashon Ha'ra when it is not justified, and help us know precisely whatwe are allowed to say under which circumstances.