Lesson #13: A True Friend
When I was growing up, I had a sign hanging on the wall in my room which read: “A true friend is somebody who knows everything about you, and still loves you.”
If somebody sees his fellow acting wrongly, and he has reason to believe that the fellow would not accept his respectful criticism, or he offered respectful criticism but the person returned to the improper behavior, then he should privately approach somebody who is close to that person who would be able to help. For example, he can approach the person’s Rabbi who he knows has a close relationship with that person, and ask the Rabbi to speak to him in an attempt to correct his behavior. Or, if he knows that the person has a close friend, or a family member whom he trusts, he can approach that friend or family member and report what he saw so that the friend or family member can try to influence him.
However, it is absolutely forbidden for the Rabbi, friend or family member to divulge this information to anybody. They are to use this information solely for the sake of helping the individual, if they can; sharing this information with anybody else would constitute a violation of Lashon Ha’ra
The critical factor with regard to these Halachot is the mindset of the person who witnessed the wrongful behavior. The person may then report the information to a Rabbi, friend or family member only if his intention is purely Le’Shem Shamayim – for the sake of Heaven, out of a sincere desire to help the individual. If the person who witnesses the behavior reacts by thinking, “Yes, I got him!” – and he relishes the opportunity to embarrass this person or harm his reputation, then it is strictly forbidden for him to involve himself in this situation at all. Reporting the information is allowed only if the intentions are purely sincere, to help one’s fellow improve.
When we see our fellow act improperly, we must understand that nothing happens coincidentally, or by mistake. If we saw something, then this means that Hashem wants us to help. He has assigned us with a mission, one which we must undertake with the utmost sensitivity and compassion, ensuring to maintain the fellow’s dignity. And Hashem will watch very carefully how we respond to the situation, how we handle this information, whether we are a true friend who continues loving, respecting and cherishing the individual despite knowing about inappropriate things which he has done. If we prove to be a true friend in our fellow’s moment of failure, then Hashem promises to always be our true friend, as well, even when we err and make mistakes.