Lesson #15: Character Flaws
Everyone would agree that even the greatest people have bad days and bad moments. We all have had tough times when we said something we should not have, and which we later regretted and felt very bad about. All of us have moments of anger, of arrogance, or of impulsivity.
We say this as an introduction to a simple and straightforward Halacha: it is forbidden to insult or degrade somebody because of his character flaws. If we see somebody express arrogance or act with a temper, we must realize that all people have such occasions. Perhaps we caught this person during an especially difficult time. Perhaps the remark just slipped out. It is very possible that he already regrets what he said or did. He might have asked himself repeatedly, “Why did I say that? What was I thinking?” We are not to offend the person, nor are we allowed to report the negative character traits which we observed to others.
Instead of violating the prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra by reporting the incident to others, we have the opportunity to respond instead by fulfilling the Misva of “Hoche’ah Tochi’ah Et Amitecha” – helping our fellow improve by gently and respectfully pointing out what he did wrong. Perhaps if he understands the importance of proper Middot (character traits), and the severity of improper Middot, he would make more of an effort to refrain from such conduct. If we respectfully approach the person and explain to him that his words or actions were inappropriate, we will be fulfilling a Misva, rather than sinning by talking about this person to others.
We all probably remember occasions when our parents instructed us to stay away from a certain kids or group of kids with improper Middot, or to find other friends, because of their concern of negative influences which we were coming under. It is certainly permissible – and in fact a Misva – for a parent to tell his child to stay away from a child who is having a bad influence on him or her. For that matter, it is a Misva to urge one’s friend or family member, if he can, to stay away from people who will influence him negatively. However, when doing so, one must clarify that he speaks this way about that friend only because he is concerned about the negative influence the friend is having. If a parent does not clarify this point, then instead of teaching his child about the importance of good Middot, which require distancing oneself from friends who speak or act inappropriately, the parent is modeling Lashon Ha’ra. He is showing the child that it is acceptable to speak about other people’s negative character traits. The parent must be very clear in stating that it is normally outright forbidden to speak about other people’s improper Middot, and the parent is doing so only because he has the responsibility to protect the child from negative influences.
More generally, just as parents ensure to point out to their kids the negative Middot of those whose influence they should avoid, they should be just as quick to point out to their children those who need their friendship. In every school, there are a number of children who struggle socially, who find themselves alone during recess, who have trouble making friends, and who feel lonely. Parents should try to motivate their children to befriend these classmates. The same way parents rush to pull their kids away from children who they suspect will negatively influence them, they should also rush to encourage their children to befriend those youngsters who desperately need friends.