Lesson #16: The Inquirer
Many questions regarding the prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra arise when somebody needs to inquire about another person who is being considered as a prospective marriage partner, for a job, or for a business venture. It is legitimate before entering into any sort of relationship with somebody to inquire about that person in order to make the decision of whether or not to pursue the relationship.
However, when making such an inquiry, it is vitally important to know whom, what and how to ask, in order to avoid violating the prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra.
First, the Hafetz Haim writes that in such a situation, it is forbidden to ask the person’s enemy, or somebody who dislikes him, for information about him. It is also forbidden to ask his business competitor. Moreover, when posing the question, one is obligated to state very clearly and specifically the reason why the inquiry is being made – because the person is being considered for a Shidduch, for a job, or for a business venture. It must be made explicit that the question is being asked specifically for the purpose of deciding whether or not to enter into that particular kind of relationship.
Additionally, when one makes such an inquiry and receives information, he may certainly act upon the information he hears, and reach his decision accordingly, but he may not assume that the information is true. Although he may act cautiously in case the information is accurate, he may not definitively conclude that it is.
As for the person who is asked for information about somebody, the Hafetz Haim writes that he must ensure not to exaggerate, and to state only the concrete, relevant facts. He may not give general descriptions about the individual; he is to give only the particular information that the questioner needs to know. Therefore, a person who is approached for information should ask the one who approached him to specify what exactly he needs to know about the individual. For example, in the case of a Shidduch, the person might want to know whether the prospect learns Torah diligently, and what kind of character traits he has. If the person being approached gives general descriptions, rather than limiting himself to the particular information needed, then he might be transgressing the prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra.
Finally, he must exercise extreme care with the way he presents the information, in terms of both the kind of words he uses, and his tone. He should imagine that he is being asked about somebody very close to him, like a close relative or immediate family member, and proceed accordingly.
This is one reason why it is so important to study the Halachot of Shemirat Ha’lashon, particularly in today’s day and age. We are used to quickly and easily accessing information, and so we might find it natural to divulge everything we know about someone. If we do not learn these Halachot properly, we are prone to unknowingly violate the grave prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra. It is imperative that we study these Halachot so that when we need to inquire about a person, or if somebody asks us for information about a person, we will know how to proceed within the limits of the laws of Shemirat Ha’lashon.