Lesson #20: Defusing Arguments
As we’ve mentioned in previous installments in this series, disgracing a person because of his personality faults is a more grievous violation of Lashon Ha’ra than sharing information about actions he committed. (Incidentally, people generally tend to more readily believe general reports about someone’s character than reports about specific actions.) Nevertheless, there is one situation in which it is not only permissible to talk about somebody’s negative personality traits, but it is actually a Misva to do so – namely, when this is done for the sake of defusing an argument, to bring peace between two people embroiled in conflict.
An example of this Halacha is a case of a person who feels very offended by something his fellow said or did, and despises his fellow for it. In such a case, it is a Misva to approach the person who feels offended, and to explain to him, “This is just the way that fellow is – he likes kidding around,” or, “This person isn’t so careful about how he talks; sometimes he acts a little foolish. He did not mean to insult you. This is the way he is. You shouldn’t take it personally.”
Normally, of course, it is strictly forbidden to tell somebody that a certain person has a tendency to speak foolishly or insensitively. But in this instance, it is not only permissible to do so, but it is a Misva, because it is done for the sake of defusing a conflict and restoring peace among two Jews.
Another exception is a situation where a congregation is strongly considering hiring a certain Rabbi, and somebody knows that this candidate’s scholarly credentials are lower than the synagogue thinks they are. Normally, of course, it is strictly forbidden to tell people that somebody whom they regard as an accomplished Torah scholar is not truly a scholar. However, if a person knows that a congregation is considering hiring a Rabbi due to false impressions about his credentials, he is allowed to approach the committee and advise them that the Rabbi is not as scholarly as they think. However, this is permitted only if all the following conditions are met: he does not exaggerate, even slightly; he has firsthand knowledge about the information he shares; he is not an enemy or competitor of the Rabbi in question; he has absolutely no ulterior motives in sharing the information. If all these conditions are met, then one may approach the committee to inform them that they are under the wrong impression about the candidate.
Returning to the previous Halacha, it is truly remarkable – and revealing – that the grave prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra is overridden by the concern to defuse conflict and bring peace between two Jews. Lashon Ha’ra is such a severe violation, and G-d becomes very angry when we speak negatively about one another. And yet, He allows us to highlight somebody’s character flaws when this is necessary to restore peaceful relations between two Jews. This is, I believe, the greatest proof to the importance of peace, and of how high a priority peace among Jews is in Hashem’s eyes. The verse in Tehillim (147:14) says, “Ha’sam Gebulech Shalom, Heleb Hitim Yabi’ech.” The Hatam Sofer explains “Ha’sam Gebulech Shalom” as referring to somebody who makes “Shalom” (peace) his “boundary line” (“Gebulech”), the line that he absolutely will not cross, as he is determined that no matter what is at stake, he will not get involved in a conflict. The reward for such behavior, the verse continues, is “Heleb Hitim Yasbi’ech” – “He shall satiate you with the fat of wheat.” Such a person will be blessed with an abundance of prosperity and Parnasa, in reward for his strong resolve never to get involved in a conflict with his fellow Jews.