Lesson #23: The Good Listener
A person who hears Lashon Ha’ra is not permitted to believe what he hears. This does not mean that he must assume that the speaker is a flagrant liar. Rather, it means that the listener should consider the possibility that the speaker reached his conclusions based on a misunderstanding or some mistaken assumption, and he – the listener – should judge the person spoken of favorably. Whereas the speaker reached a negative conclusion about the person he spoke about, the listener should find a way to arrive at a more favorable conclusion. If, however, this is not possible, as the information which was related cannot possibly be interpreted in any way that does not reflect negatively on the person spoken about, then the listener may not believe the information at all.
If a person finds himself with someone speaking Lashon Ha’ra, he may not say to himself, “I will just listen, but I’m not going to believe any of it.” He is not allowed to remain and listen, even if he feels confident in his ability to disbelieve the information he will hear.
If, however, one hears Lashon Ha’ra about somebody with whom he is considered entering into some sort of relationship, such as a Shidduch or business partnership, and the information he hears is relevant to his decision of whether to proceed with the relationship, then he is allowed to listen, as long as his intention is solely to protect himself. He may not conclusively believe the negative information he hears, but he is allowed to listen and to consider the information as a factor in determining whether or not to enter into the relationship with the individual in question.
As a Rabbi who frequently speaks publicly, I can personally attest to the critical role that the listener plays in the speaking process. The listener’s visible attentiveness and interest is crucial for the speaker to communicate effectively. I remember the time when I would deliver a class on the radio, and the difficulty I had speaking in a small studio in front of a wall. Seeing the people paying attention and expressing interest is a vitally important part of speaking, because the speaker is charged by their vibes. I will never forget the time when my synagogue invited one of my favorite speakers, Rav Paysach Krohn, to deliver a talk, and after he finished speaking, he came over to me to thank me. I assumed he was thanking me for inviting him, but then he explained, “You’re a great listener. As I was speaking, I saw the way you were soaking in the information. You made it easier for me to speak, because I had a great listener.”
The listener plays an active role in encouraging the speaker by expressing interest. And thus when it comes to Lashon Ha’ra, it is forbidden to show any interest, to pay any attention, in order not to play any role in the violation of this grave prohibition.
As the expression goes, you can’t rob a bank without someone in the getaway car. By the same token, there is no Lashon Ha’ra without someone listening. And so let’s not just avoid speaking Lashon Ha’ra, but also avoid being the fellow “in the getaway car,” and never be an interested listener of Lashon Ha’ra.