Lesson #4: That’s My Kid
School graduations often feature an award ceremony, honoring students for various achievements. Many summer camps, too, have a special banquet at the end of the summer during which awards are presented with the parents in attendance.
I have been part of numerous such award ceremonies, and in many instances, awards were given even to children who did not really deserve an award. This was done to encourage them, to boost their self-confidence, to make them look good in the eyes of other people so they can see themselves in a different light. The institution gives kids awards in many different areas of achievement to make sure that everyone comes out of the ceremony with some kind of reward.
Once, a parent approached me after such a ceremony, and said, “I know my kid did not achieve enough to deserve the reward that was just presented to him. But you have no idea what it means to me that you made my son look good in the eyes of everyone here.”
This story explains to us the essence of שמירת הלשון, and of the severe prohibition against speaking negatively about other people. Hashem says to us, “I don’t want you to say anything bad about My kid. I don’t want you to make My kid look bad in front of other people.”
When we speak about somebody, that person’s reputation – and that of his or her family – is on the lone. The words we speak about somebody helps shape that person’s image in the eyes of others. And Hashem does not want His children to look bad.
It is not only the act of speaking lashon ha’ra that is forbidden and that must be avoided. The resulting harm to the individual’s reputation lies at the heart of this prohibition. This is why the Hafetz Haim writes that we must avoid lashon ha’ra even if our own reputation is at stake, if by remaining silent we make ourselves look foolish in the eyes of the people around us. It is likewise forbidden to speak lashon ha’ra in order to earn the goodwill of the listener. We may not make somebody look bad for the sake of our own reputation. Furthermore, the Hafetz Haim writes, even written lashon ha’ra is forbidden, because it will have the effect of making one of Hashem’s children look bad. Moreover, even if one does not say or write anything, but makes a face upon hearing about somebody’s name, expressing disdain for that person, then he has violated this prohibition, because this makes that person look bad in the eyes of those who see his facial expression.
Additionally, lashon ha’ra is forbidden even if one includes himself, if he tells a story about somebody that also involves his own inappropriate behavior. Although he demeans himself at the same time as he demeans somebody else, he has nevertheless violated the prohibition of lashon ha’ra, because he has made somebody look bad. Every Jew is Hashem’s child, and Hashem does not allow us to make His precious children look bad.
Hashem tells us: “Observe the laws of שמירת הלשון by representing My children the way you would want somebody to represent your children. Make My children look good – and you will see what I will do for your children.”