Lesson #41: Husband and Wife
Imagine a husband and wife – Benny and Ilana – who run a store together. Ilana works as the manager, and Benny does all the behind-the-scenes work. One day, Benny comes into the store, and as he walks in, he sees people leaving after making some purchases.
Benny goes over to Ilana and says, “I really hope you didn’t sell to those people on credit. I know them, and I know for a fact that they cannot be trusted! They are very dishonest people.”
Is this allowed? Is Benny permitted to tell his wife that so-and-so is dishonest and cannot be trusted to repay debts?
Generally speaking, despite common misconceptions to the contrary, a husband and wife may not speak Lashon Ha’ra with each other. It is forbidden to speak Lashon Ha’ra to one’s spouse just as it is forbidden to speak Lashon Ha’ra to anybody else. In this instance, however, it is permissible for Benny to speak to his wife about the customers’ dishonesty, because this is necessary for a practical purpose. Even if the store manager was not his wife, it would be permissible for him to warn the manager about these customers’ dishonesty. As long as he has firsthand information about their dishonesty, and did not merely hear about it through rumors and the like, he may convey this information to the manager in order to avoid a financial loss.
Many husbands and wives make the mistake of freely sharing with each other negative information about other people, telling them about those who wronged them or offended them. They talk about the people at work, the people in shul, the local “politics” and “dirty laundry,” or what’s happening in their respective social circles. They tell each other about all the people they got into an argument with, and why. This is not allowed; it is forbidden to speak Lashon Ha’ra even with one’s spouse.
Speaking Lashon Ha’ra to a spouse is not only forbidden, but also unwise, for two reasons. First, if a husband, for example, tells his wife about the people who disrespected him or otherwise aggrieved him, she will likely become angry and want to fight for her husband’s honor. This will make it more difficult to restore peace with the other person, as the wife might discourage the husband from forgiving and reconciling. Secondly, when a husband tells his wife about people who do not like him, who disrespect him, and who think lowly of him, this is likely to have an impact and undermine, if only slightly, her esteem for him. The more she hears about people who dislike or do not think highly of her husband, the higher the chances of her losing some degree of respect and admiration for him.
A husband and wife are thus best advised not to share with each other their grievances against other people, as this violates the prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra, and far from solving the problem, it can make it considerably worse.