Lesson #43: Parenthood
As a teenager, Rachel was very popular, voted head of several student organizations. As a result of her social status among her peers, she failed to properly observe the laws of Shemirat Ha’lashon. Often, popularity causes one to speak freely and openly about others, and saying things which are forbidden to say, and Rachel fell into this trap. Gradually, over the years, her Lashon Ha’ra developed into a bad habit which continued into adulthood.
After Rachel got married and had children who started going to school, she began noticing that everything they reported about what happened in school was negative. They came home and right away started talking about how this kid hit that kid, how another kid was rude to the teacher, who misbehaved, and who got in trouble. This kind of news formed the steady flow of information that her children brought home with them from school each day. It occurred to Rachel that her kids had nothing nice, nothing positive, to say about their peers. Everything they said was derogatory.
She finally realized that this is likely a function of the home they grew up in. She was setting an improper example for them, an example of regularly speaking about the faults and wrongs of other people, and they were simply following her example. Rachel understood that if she wanted to change the way her children talked, she could talk to them from today until tomorrow about the importance of speaking positively about people, but this would not help unless she changed her own habits.
Often, the way parents talk is mirrored in the way the children speak. Parents must therefore be extremely careful to set an example of not only the basic guidelines of Shemirat Ha’lashon, but of how to carry conversations in a way the Torah wants – emphasizing the good in other people, and avoiding mentioning the bad in other people. They need to explain to their children that they do not want to speak negatively about their fellow Jews, and instead want to speak in praise of them. If they hear their child speak negatively about somebody, they should stop him, explain to the child that such speech is not allowed, and that as Jews we are to strive to speak favorably about people and develop a positive outlook.
When one hears a parent speaking Lashon Ha’ra, he must carefully, politely and respectfully come to the defense of the person of whom they are speaking, and advise speaking positively about people instead of negatively. The Misva of Kibbud Av Va’em requires speaking respectfully and courteously to parents even when they do something improper, and so one must be very careful to respond delicately, rather than harshly reprimand them.
When parents set an example of proper speech for their children, they bring blessing to the entire household, and to each and every one of their children.