Lesson #49: Children
Some of our most beautiful childhood memories are Shabbat and holidays. The Shabbat and holiday table is the glue that keeps families together – the conversations and Zemirot that extend well into the night are very special and very impactful. But sometimes, these conversations can end up going in the wrong direction. The Yeser Ha’ra seizes every opportunity to take something beautiful and sacred and turn it into the exact opposite, Heaven forbid.
At all times, but especially at the Shabbat table, when the parents engage with their children, they must monitor the way they speak.
Let us imagine that at the Friday night Shabbat table, a child turns to his parents and starts talking about a certain boy in his class, whom he mentions by name. He tells them that this boy was thrown out of class three times, and then he spoke to the rebbe with hutzpah. The rebbe then took him to the principal’s office.
The parents might at first glance say to themselves, “Look, he’s just a kid, he doesn’t realize what he’s doing, that he is not allowed to speak this way about his peers.”
But in truth, this is a critical moment of Hinuch (education). The parents’ reaction at that moment will plant the seeds that will bear fruit later in the child’s life. If the child is shown at a young age that Lashon Ha’ra is forbidden, it will be so much easier for him when he grows up to speak properly and avoid prohibited speech.
In the case described above, the parent should turn to the boy with a lot of love and warmth, without embarrassing him, and say, “My son, you are such a good child. You have such beautiful Middot. Talking that way about people is beneath you. You’re better than that. You’re a boy who sees the good in people, not who looks at what’s wrong with people. You probably did not realize that what your said is Lashon Ha’ra. Such words should not come out of the mouth of someone like you, who will one day be an outstanding Talmid Hacham. Your mouth is to be used for reciting beautiful Tefilot which Hashem will lovingly accept, and to speak holy words of Torah. It should not be used for Lashon Ha’ra. Instead of talking about that boy, please share with us some words of Torah.”
If the parent responds this way, he gives his child a boost of confidence, reminding him of who he can and should be. Without anger or criticism, the parent has taught the child at a young age that he must refrain from speaking Lashon Ha’ra. He has taught this lesson in a way that can be digested, in a way that builds the child, rather than breaking him. This is the greatest act of Hinuch.
The Misva of Hinuch obligates parents to intervene if they hear their child speak Lashon Ha’ra. They are required to educate their children about this prohibition, and to teach them what is forbidden to speak about other people, and what is allowed to be spoken. If the children learn about these restrictions when they are young, it will be so much easier for them to refrain from forbidden speech later in life, as adults.
Lashon Ha’ra must be something which we refuse to accept or tolerate. If a child would come home with non-kosher food, the parents would not remain quiet and accept the presence of forbidden food in their home. They would reprimand the child and rush to get the food out of the house. We should be similarly adamant in our refusal to allow Lashon Ha’ra in the home. It is the parents’ obligation to train their children to speak properly, to refrain from dishonesty, from foul language, and from Lashon Ha’ra, to plant the seeds that will bear magnificent fruit that reflect both the child’s sterling character as well as his Torah upbringing.