Lesson #56: Refusing a Favor
Most of us have probably been in a situation where we desperately needed a favor, but were turned down by someone whom we thought we could count on, and perhaps even someone for whom we had come through in the past.
Let us take the example of a family planning to celebrate their first bar-mitzva. They had been eagerly anticipating this beautiful event, and the boy, of course, has been preparing for many months. But it is not until shortly before the big weekend that the family found out that both sets of grandparents would be able to attend for Shabbat. They now had to scramble to find them places to stay. They have neighbors with basements or guestrooms, and so they start making phone calls. As it turns out, someone else on the block is also celebrating a Simcha that Shabbat, and they already made arrangements. Most of the available basements and guest rooms are taken. Desperate, the family calls their friends up the street and asks if they could help. They explain to their friends the situation, and ask if they could perhaps use their guestroom for Shabbat.
To their dismay and disappointment, they are turned down. The friends say, “We’re just not up to it this week,” or, “We decided we’re not having guests anymore, after a bad experience we once had.” Or, they say that they are away for Shabbat, and they’re not comfortable having other people in the house when they aren’t there.
The people making the bar-mitzva are fuming. They think to themselves, “They know we’re desperate. What’s the big deal? We’re talking about hosting an older couple. What are they afraid of? What could possibly happen? We’ve been there for them in the past. What’s wrong with them?!”
They feel like spreading the word around the neighborhood about how these friends refused their request. They are so upset that they want to go to the other neighbors to protest what these people did.
This is absolutely forbidden. Speaking about people who turned down a request for a favor constitutes outright Lashon Ha’ra, regardless of how legitimate one’s grievance is towards them. The couple is allowed to turn to somebody close to those friends – such as a Rabbi – who might be able to intervene and convince them to agree to do the favor. But simply telling others about it as a means of expressing anger and “getting back” at the friends is strictly forbidden. This violates not only the prohibition of Lashon Ha’ra, but also the prohibitions of “Lo Tikom” and “Lo Titor” – bearing a grudge, and taking revenge.
I have found over the years that very often, when people refuse to do a favor for somebody, there is more to the story than meets the eye. Many times, there are factors and considerations which they do not share, and of which others are unaware, which make their refusal more understandable. Therefore, when we hear complaints about someone who refused to do a favor, we must keep an open mind and realize that there might be more to the situation that we do not know.