Lesson #79: Sick Again
Sharing with somebody information about what another person said or did, which will have the effect of arousing tension between these two individuals, transgresses the prohibition of Rechilut. It is forbidden to speak to a person about his fellow in a manner that will cause him to harbor hostile feelings towards that fellow.
One of the most important and effective ways to avoid this and similar prohibitions is to look upon other people with an “Ayin Toba” (“good eye”), focusing our attention on their good qualities and overlooking their negative qualities. The more we train ourselves to see all that is good about other people, and view them in a favorable light, the less likely we will be to share negative information about them.
If a person is trying to judge a fellow Jew favorably, but somebody else attempts to convince him otherwise, insisting that the fellow does not deserve a favorable assessment, then that other person is in violation of Rechilut. Since he seeks to change someone’s perspective on his fellow from favorable to hostile, he is in violation of the prohibition of Rechilut, which forbids arousing hostility between two Jews.
Let us take the example of a woman who comes to pick up her child from playgroup, and she asks the playgroup teacher whether a certain child, who had been sick for the last week, had returned to the playgroup. The teacher replies that the child is still sick.
“You should know,” the mother says, “that the kid’s mother is very upset because her child keeps getting sick. She is blaming you, claiming that you do not maintain proper sanitary standards here at the playgroup, that you don’t clean the furniture and the toys. I think she’s trying to give you a bad reputation, and trying to convince other mothers not to send their kids here.”
The teacher says, “I don’t think so. As a mother myself, I know how difficult it is when a child gets sick. It throws everyone off, and the home’s routine goes haywire. I think she’s just very upset that her kid keeps getting sick, and is having a very hard time with her home being out of whack. I don’t think she’s trying to close down my playgroup.”
“No, I heard her say that she wants people to know what she thinks about your playgroup,” the mother insists. “She is telling people that she’s asked you several times to wipe down the furniture and toys, but you haven’t done so. I’m telling you – she’s out to shut down your playgroup.”
The teacher was trying to give the mother the benefit of the doubt, and to judge her favorably, with sensitivity, but this mother tried to convince her not to judge that woman favorably. She is thus in violation of Rechilut, sowing resentment within the playgroup teacher towards that other woman.
In truth, this woman has violated the prohibition Rechilut twice: by first telling the teacher that the other woman blames her for her child’s frequently taking ill; and then a second time by resisting the teacher’s efforts to judge the woman favorably, and seeking to convince her that the other woman is trying to harm her livelihood.
Whether it’s within the family, among neighbors, or in any other context, we must strive to serve as peacekeepers, to speak positively about other people, and to encourage others to look favorably upon their fellow, thereby preventing the arousal of hostility and resentment among Jews. Hashem has promised us that if we give other people the benefit of the doubt, judge them favorably and speak favorably about them, then He will likewise look favorably upon us, focusing on our good deeds and overlooking our occasional mistakes.