Lesson #83: Shidduchim and Its Obstacles
Imagine that a girl receives a wonderful Shidduch suggestion, and she and the boy begin dating. Things are going very well, until suddenly, out of the blue, the boy says he does not wish to continue. The girl and her parents are devastated.
The parents contact the Shadchan, and communicate their suspicion that their neighbor said something to the boy or his family. They already had suspicions about their neighbor interfering with prior Shidduch prospects, and so this time, in their anguish, they decide to approach the Shadchan and explicitly ask whether this is what happened. The Shadchan confirms that indeed, the neighbor had interfered, sharing negative information about them to the boy’s family.
Realizing that the neighbor has been sabotaging all of the daughter’s prospective Shidduchim, the mother breaks down crying. “How,” she asks herself, “will any of my children get married? My neighbor is always going to find out who they are dating or considering dating, and will interfere!”
In such a case, Halacha forbids the girl’s family from definitively concluding the Rechilut they heard about their neighbor. Even if multiple people tell them that the neighbor had spoken negatively about them to discourage boys from dating the girl, nevertheless, from a Halachic perspective, this must be seen as a rumor, and not a verified fact. However, the family is permitted to suspect that the rumor might be true, and thus take whatever precautions they can to avoid the neighbor’s interference in the future, such as by dealing only with people who they know will never have any contact with the neighbor. But they may not conclude that the neighbors have been interfering with the girl’s Shidduchim and thus resent them and hold a grudge against them.
If this happens, the family must strengthen their Emuna (faith), firmly believing that Hashem will ensure that the match will be made with the right person.
The story is told of a certain young man in Bnei-Brak who was dating for several years, but every time a match seemed to be working out, the girl would suddenly break off the courtship. He discovered that his neighbor, who had gotten into a fight with his family, set out to take revenge by making a point to find out the identity of every girl he dated, and then break the Shidduch.
The young man approached the Hazon Ish and asked, in desperation, what he should do.
The Hazon Ish smiled at him and said, “You’ll see – when the right one comes along, her parents will end up asking everyone for information about you except your neighbor.”
Sure enough, the boy got engaged shortly thereafter. The girl’s family had asked many people about him – but not the neighbor.
We must always remain steadfast in our Emuna, and firmly believe that Shidduchim – and everything else in our lives – are solely dependent upon Hashem.