Lesson #86: The Backhanded Insult
The prohibition of Rechilut forbids sharing with somebody information that will cause him to dislike or harbor negative feeling towards another person, such as information about what that other person did to him or said about him (unless the listener needs this information to protect himself in the future).
Sharing such information is forbidden even if it is embedded within a compliment.
Let us imagine the case of a woman who sees a doctor, and she then comes out of the office and goes to the secretary’s desk to pay and to schedule her next appointment. The secretary goes through the files, tells her how much she needs to pay, and finds out for her the next available slots for an appointment. The process takes a little bit of time, but finally, the woman pays the money she owed, and schedules her next appointment. The secretary politely bids her farewell.
As the woman is about to leave, she says to the secretary, “I want to tell you that it was very pleasant dealing with you. You got everything done efficiently and pleasantly. It’s funny, because my neighbor, Mrs. So-and-So, told me that she had a much different experience with you yesterday… I must say I’m pleasantly surprised!”
The woman gave the secretary a wonderful compliment, but embedded within that compliment was outright Rechilut – information about somebody speaking negatively about her. The secretary likely appreciated the compliment, but will resent the fact that the neighbor told people that she does not do her job properly. Sharing this Rechilut is strictly forbidden, even though it is done as part of a compliment, because it arouses within the listener feelings of hostility towards another person.
When giving compliments, there is a simple, straightforward rule that we should follow: keep compliments complimentary.