Lesson #90: The Manager
One Friday afternoon, a young family packs up the car and drives to spend Shabbat with the husband’s parents. After they arrive, and everyone exchanges warm hugs and starts getting settled, the husband turns to his father and says, “So, Dad, I heard you fired your manager.”
The father was startled. “That happened just yesterday. How did you hear about it so quickly?”
“Well,” the son said, “the manager is furious. He’s going all over telling people terrible things about you and the business, and how happy he is to leave because of how badly the place is run. You don’t want to know the things he is saying about you!”
The son has violated the prohibition of Rechilut, because he has told his father information about what another person is saying about him, that will arouse the father’s hostility toward that person. The father, for his part, is not permitted to believe the information told to him. Even though he received this information from his son, who he knows would never lie to him, and even though this information is entirely believable, nevertheless, he is not allowed to believe the information.
This applies to all family members, and even to a husband and wife. A wife is not permitted to tell her husband things that she knows people are saying about him, and if she does, then the husband is not permitted to believe it. The Hafetz Haim writes that the husband would be well advised in such a situation to gently and respectfully correct his wife’s behavior, and inform her that sharing such information transgresses the prohibition of Rechilut. He should explain that hearing what people are saying about him causes him to feel anger and resentment, and could lead him to instigate controversy and conflict, and so she should not be sharing this information with him. And, as mentioned, the husband may not believe what he heard, even though this was told to him by his wife, whom he fully trusts.
Of course, it is permissible to share with someone – certainly a family member or spouse – information about potential future harm which the person can undertake measures to avoid. If, for example, a wife knows that somebody is planning to cause her husband any sort of harm, whether it’s financial harm, damage to his reputation, or any other sort of harm – then she is allowed to share this information with her husband so that he can act to protect himself. The husband may then undertake whatever measures he deems necessary to protect himself, though even then, he is not allowed to conclusively believe the information told to him.
It is only natural for a wife to want to alert her husband to the fact that somebody is badmouthing him, because such talk hurts her just as much as it hurts him. But she should present it in a way that makes it clear that her interest is solely that he protect himself and his reputation, and not that he become angry and seek revenge. She should also make it clear that she herself is not certain that the person in question is truly speaking negatively about her husband. This way, she gives her husband the information he needs to protect himself, without violating the grave prohibition of Rechilut.