Lesson #93: “Regards”
Imagine a person meets his friend who excitedly tells him that he was just in Israel, and he met his consuegro (“mehutan”).
“They send warm regards,” the friend says. “And, I want you to know that when I was talking with them, they were telling me about how good a guy you are, and how lucky I am to be your friend.”
“Wow, thank you,” the man says. “That means a lot to me.”
“I was actually wondering,” the friend continues, “how this worked out – an Israeli family getting along so well with an American family here in the States. After all, they don’t really speak English. I asked your consuegro, and he said that you don’t speak Hebrew very well, but even so, you’re able to work it out somehow.”
Even though the consuegro did not say anything inherently insulting by speaking about how the fellow does not speak Hebrew well, nevertheless, the friend has violated the prohibition of Rechilut by relaying to the man what his consuegro said. This remark creates somewhat of an uncomfortable feeling, causing the fellow to think, “Ugh, why did he say that about me?” Even though it is not actually offensive – after all, Americans cannot be expected to speak a fluent Hebrew – nevertheless, because of the tinge of hostility which it could arouse, the friend was not permitted to tell the man about this comment. Causing even slight negative feelings between fellow Jews is forbidden, and thus even such a comment, which is not intrinsically derogatory, may not be shared with the person about whom it was made.
Another example would be if the consuegro said, “His house is amazing – they’re always cooking! Whenever you walk into the house, there is food on the stove!” This remark, too, is not inherently derogatory, and it might even have been intended as a compliment, observing how the family always ensures to have plenty of food for guests. However, it can be understood as an insult, speaking of the family’s preoccupation with food, accusing them of being overindulgent, or about their being overweight. Since this remark could be taken as an insult, it may not be shared with the person about whom it was said.
If we want to tell somebody about what another person said about him, we must ensure that it can be interpreted in no way other than as a compliment, and not as an insult.