A fundamental aspect of proper conduct at a meal is for the host to personally pour beverages for guests, particularly for significant drinks like wine. While guests may pour their own water, for more important beverages, it is considered good etiquette for the host to serve them. This principle is highlighted by the Magen Avraham, who cites a passage in Kedushin detailing a famous incident involving Rabbi Eliezer, Rabbi Yehoshua, and Rabbi Tzadok. They were present at a wedding celebration for Rabbi Gamliel's son, where Rabbi Gamliel himself waited on them. When he offered a cup of wine to Rabbi Eliezer, the latter refused to be served by Rabbi Gamliel, who was both the Nasi (president of the congregation) and a great Torah scholar. Rabbi Gamliel then offered the cup to Rabbi Yehoshua, who accepted it.
Rabbi Eliezer questioned Rabbi Yehoshua's acceptance, asking how they could permit Rabbi Gamliel to serve them. Rabbi Yehoshua responded by pointing out that even greater individuals had served as waiters. He brought the example of Avraham Avinu, the greatest person of his generation, who served his guests. Rabbi Yehoshua emphasized that Avraham Avinu did not know his guests were angels; they appeared to him as humble Arabs. Therefore, he argued, there is nothing wrong with allowing Rabbi Gamliel to serve them. Rabbi Tzadok then interjected, asking why they were focusing on human honor while overlooking God's honor. He explained that God constantly serves us by causing the wind to blow, moving clouds, bringing rain, and providing drink to each person. If God serves us, he concluded, why should we not allow a servant to serve us as well? The lesson from this narrative is that a person should not consider themselves too important to serve their guests, even if they have staff; a host should be directly involved in serving.
The attendance of Torah scholars at meals is another area with specific guidelines. The Nekiei Da'at She'Yerushalayim, the devout residents of Jerusalem, were known to attend a meal only if they knew who their fellow diners would be, to avoid undesirable company. The Mishnah Berurah suggests that if a meal's purpose is to celebrate the fulfillment of a commandment, a Torah scholar is permitted to attend, as the merit of the commandment will protect them from harm. However, the Aharonim clarified that this rule applies even to meals celebrating a commandment, such as weddings, where one can still find themselves in uncomfortable situations. An exception is made if the less learned individuals respect Torah and wish to listen to a Torah lecture; in such a case, a Torah scholar is allowed to join them at the meal. In fact, it is highly commendable to attend in such circumstances to elevate the atmosphere. Yet, even if separate tables are set for Torah scholars, preventing them from sitting directly with the less learned, it is generally still forbidden to participate in a meal primarily attended by those who show disrespect for Torah.
In certain communities, however, a different approach is sometimes adopted, akin to the "disco rabbi" who engages with people in less traditional settings to draw them closer to Torah. This approach acknowledges that in some communities, rabbis may need to attend various social gatherings to connect with individuals. The speaker recounts an instance where he attended an engagement party, which was clearly not a traditional Torah environment, out of friendship and a desire to show gratitude to the host. He observed that his presence was deeply appreciated and led the host to attend Torah classes and other religious activities. The intention behind such attendance is to show love and foster connection, which can eventually lead people to embrace Torah more fully. It is crucial, however, for rabbis to exercise extreme caution to avoid being drawn into inappropriate activities themselves, such as joining the dance floor, which would undermine their purpose.
Regarding eating with non-Jews, it is taught that if a Jewish person eats together with a non-Jew at the same table, it is akin to worshipping idols. This is a serious matter, and individuals involved in business meetings or other situations where this might arise are advised to consult their rabbi for guidance.
During a meal, it is essential for a person to avoid displaying anger or impatience. Such behavior can cause guests and family members to feel uncomfortable and afraid to eat. A guest might mistakenly believe their presence is causing the host's agitation, leading to embarrassment and a reluctance to partake in the meal. The Debush further added that if family members witness this anger, they may become hesitant to offer food to the poor, fearing their father's reaction. This point is powerfully illustrated by the story of Hillel. Once, Hillel had prepared food for a guest. In the interim, a poor man came to the door, informing Hillel's wife that he was scheduled to get married that day but had nothing to pay for a meal. Hillel's wife, without hesitation, gave all the prepared food to the poor man. She then kneaded another batch of dough, cooked a fresh pot of stew, and served it to Hillel and his guest. Hillel gently inquired why the meal was not served earlier. Upon hearing her explanation, he reassured her, "My dear, I never for a moment thought you had done anything wrong. I know that everything you do is for the sake of Heaven." This story highlights Hillel's extraordinary patience and humility; despite waiting a considerable time while hungry, he did not complain or investigate the delay until the meal was served, demonstrating remarkable self-control.
Our sages taught in Masechet Gittin that if a person casts excessive fear upon their household, it can lead them to commit transgressions. Therefore, patience is paramount. The Gemara and the Zohar HaKadosh state that the time one sits down to eat is a "time of war," as people can be nervous and agitated. It is crucial to be happy and free from anger or stress when eating. One should also strive to eat healthy foods, even if they are not always the tastiest. While people are naturally drawn to delicious food, which is often less healthy, there are ways to prepare good food that is still wholesome. It is commendable to conquer one's desires when it comes to eating and drinking.
The "fast of the Ra'avad" describes a form of self-control where a person, still desiring to eat, pushes their plate away and does not finish it. This act of breaking one's desire in the middle of eating is considered a difficult but effective form of repentance. The sages taught that if one is enjoying a meal exceedingly, they should stop themselves in the middle of eating. This is presented as an effective and accessible way to do repentance, available at all times and pleasing to God. The Mishnah Berurah, citing works of Torah ethics, states that someone who stops eating in the middle of a meal while still feeling hungry performs an act of self-imposed punishment that atones for sins. The Chafetz Chaim, citing the Magid Mishneh, relates that Maran (Rabbi Yosef Caro) regularly studied Torah with an angel. One of the angel's teachings was that while eating, Maran should stop when he felt the greatest desire to eat and drink. The angel explained that doing this at every meal is equivalent to offering a sacrifice to God, transforming one's table into an altar upon which one slaughters their evil inclination. A practical application of this idea is to pre-portion food: slice no more bread than needed for health and strength before the meal, and resolve to eat no more during that meal. This was precisely the angel's advice to Maran: at the beginning of the meal, cut three slices of bread and eat no more.