We continue our daily study of Jewish law. This session is dedicated to Hayim Refael ben Mazal for a complete recovery, sponsored by his sons who are committed to the daily study of Jewish law around the world. Today is day 29, sponsored in honor of myself and Rabbi Yisrael Betan by the Issa family. May God bless them. Amen.
We delve further into table etiquette and manners. It is forbidden to stare at someone while they are eating. This is a simple concept: if you stare at a person while they are eating, they become embarrassed. One should not even look at their plate. Why are you looking? It's not that interesting. Perhaps the person will feel embarrassed, thinking they took too much, or wondering how much they are expected to eat. It is a private act. This is especially true if you are the host and they are the guest; your gaze might make them think, "Maybe I took too much," or "Perhaps they are giving me the evil eye," or "Maybe they don't want me to eat all of this." So, if you are constantly watching, every time they take a bite, they might feel scrutinized, as if you are thinking, "Another piece? How many pieces will you have?" Therefore, one should avoid embarrassing a guest in this manner.
The Shulchan Aruch, in section 277, states that it is likewise forbidden to stare at someone while they are drinking, based on the same concept. However, the Hacham David, in his work, clarifies that this law primarily applies to someone eating the host's food without paying for it. When people stare at such a guest's plate, it can make them feel like their hosts disapprove of them taking advantage. Although the wording of the Shulchan Aruch itself suggests this applies in all cases, the contemporary reality is quite different. Today, people often video themselves eating and post it on social media. They sit in a restaurant, eating spaghetti and marinara, and announce, "Yes, I'm eating spaghetti and marinara." They are actively putting themselves out there, doing the exact opposite of what the law implies. They are not supposed to, yet they do.
Another point of etiquette we learned is that one should not eat a piece of bread larger than a kabetzah (approximately two ounces) in one bite. The proper way is to cut it into smaller pieces, as eating a large piece in one go appears gluttonous. However, this rule requires adjustment for our times. Most sandwiches, pizzas, and breads today are larger than two ounces. A slice of pizza can be four or five ounces. Does this mean one cannot pick up a slice of pizza and eat it, or a regular tuna sandwich that is two or three ounces? I believe today we must say that this custom has changed. In older societies, it might have been considered impolite to pick up such a large item. But today, consider someone at a shawarma stand: they receive a large flatbread, the size of a pizza, filled with various ingredients. They roll it up into what resembles a baseball bat, and the person holds it and eats it. While some might find this uncouth, it is considered the normal way of eating today. Therefore, the text notes that if "that is the accepted way," it is permissible. This suggests that such etiquette rules can change with societal norms.
The Hacham David quotes from Rabbi Fisher, who maintains a stricter view, stating that one should not eat these foods in that manner, even if it has become common. Nevertheless, most people are lenient in this matter. The Hacham David wanted to compare this to another rule: the Shulchan Aruch forbids biting into a slice of bread and then allowing others to see the bite marks. This means biting, then placing the bread back on the plate where everyone can see your teeth marks, which is considered improper because people might be disgusted. The Hacham David suggests that we also do not observe this law today. However, Rabbi Amritan questions this, stating that people are still disgusted by visible bite marks. He argues that while eating a large pizza in one hand might no longer be seen as gluttonous because norms have changed, disgust at bite marks might not have changed. So, while we might not be as careful about this, perhaps we should be. The general principle is that one can rely on social norms in these matters. However, regarding bite marks, if someone bites an apple and places it back on the table, revealing their teeth marks, it is still generally considered unrefined. When eating sandwiches, we should try to keep the bite mark facing our side rather than showing it outwards.
Next, we address drinking etiquette: specifically, how many gulps are appropriate, for example, when drinking wine or other alcoholic beverages, but not water. The rule states that drinking too fast or too much in one gulp is gluttonous. The proper way, considered refined, is to drink in two sips. This means taking a sip, leaving some liquid in the cup, and then finishing it off with a second sip. Drinking in three or more sips, however, is considered arrogant, as if one is trying to show off their refined manners by sipping too slowly. This rule applies to wine and other strong alcoholic beverages like scotch.
However, there are exceptions. If one drinks sweet wine, which is considered like water or a soft drink, or if the person is large and has a healthy appetite, they may drink the entire cup at once. This also applies to very sharp alcoholic beverages like scotch; even a small amount can be too much to drink in one gulp, so it should be sipped. Water and soft beverages, on the other hand, can be drunk in one gulp without being considered gluttonous. Beer is also considered like water in this regard, so one can drink a beer in one gulp. The note clarifies that since it is permissible to drink an entire cup of sweet wine all at once, it is obvious that soft drinks are also permissible in this manner. The Shulchan Aruch also states that fruit juices have the same law as wine, but when drinking water or other thirst-quenching beverages, there is no restriction at all. So, coffee, iced coffee, or any non-alcoholic beverage can be drunk in one gulp without issue.
The main issue arises with hard alcoholic drinks. When we drink wine with a meal, we typically take more than two sips. The rule about two sips likely applies when drinking wine without food, as a standalone item. If one is eating, taking a sip, eating again, and so on, it is not considered drinking it as a "loner item." In older times, people might have been more disciplined, either eating first and then drinking, or drinking wine before the meal, rather than simultaneously. Today, if one is at a party and receives a glass of scotch, which is a very small amount, perhaps half an ounce, the question arises whether it can be drunk in one gulp. The rule implies that even less than a revi'it (a specific halachic measure) should not be drunk in one gulp. However, we often sip scotch slowly. So, must one take one sip, leave a little, and then take a second sip? Today, nobody would call someone a glutton for taking three or even twenty sips of scotch, as it demonstrates a more refined way of drinking, not like a "bum." This is a difficult law to follow strictly. Some Moroccans, for example, might drink an entire cup in one gulp, unless one argues they should leave a little to avoid drinking it all at once.
Ultimately, the first laws discussed are more applicable today: do not stare at people while they are eating or drinking, and do not show bite marks on food. The law of etiquette regarding holding large pieces of bread, I believe, can be lenient today. Although some rabbis, like the Hachamim, are still careful to cut pizza with a knife and fork and eat it in small slices, one cannot call someone a glutton for eating a hamburger that is larger than a kazayit or a kabetzah. Many people cut their hamburgers into quarters and eat them that way, showing a degree of care. But for soft drinks and sweet wine, it is permissible to drink them in one gulp. Amen.