Welcome to Al Yidvayit, everyone. Thank you for joining us. With God's help, every word of Torah will be a great merit for everyone who is watching.
Today I chose the topic of proper conduct: the way a person is supposed to conduct himself. Our premise is that everything we learn, every lesson we learn, is ordained by what Hashem wants us to hear. So listen very carefully.
A person has to know how to behave in every situation, and every situation is different. The way I act with my children is different from the way I act with my workers. The way I act with my wife or spouse is different from the way I act with my parents. A person has to understand that each relationship operates according to a different system, and that his conduct has to correspond to who the other person is and what that person needs.
As we have said many times, Rav Dessler writes that a person can be either a giver or a taker. That is the way life is: a person is either a giver or a taker. You have to decide which path you want to take, which path you want to embark on. Am I a giver or a taker?
If you are a giver, then you have to give based on the other person's needs. Imagine that someone comes to you and tells you that he needs money to buy a birthday cake for his child. You say, “I’ll give you something,” and you send him to buy cookies. He does not need cookies; he needs a birthday cake. Go and buy him a cake. You are not helping him by giving him cookies. You will not accomplish anything for his child’s birthday party.
Similarly, some people need sensitivity, while others need your strength. Sometimes a person simply needs you to listen. People do not want anything else. They are saying, “Do not tell me a word. Just sit and listen.” Be a listening ear, someone upon whose shoulder they can rely, someone they can depend on. Sometimes it is as simple as saying, “Things are going to be okay. Every person goes through this.” Every person and every situation is different.
We have to know how to conduct ourselves with each individual and how to conduct ourselves according to the need of the moment. It is all based on the necessity of the person and on who that person is at that point.
Someone may ask, “What if you do not know? What if you are in a situation and do not know how to conduct yourself, how to react, or what to do? Someone told you something, and you do not know exactly how to respond.” In that case, go and ask a rabbi. Ask someone who can guide you. Just as a person who has an ailment—his arm is hurting or he has a bruise—does not know how to heal it himself and therefore goes to a doctor, so too a person should seek guidance. There is a doctor for everything, and he is accessible. For the soul, there is a rabbi, a wise person, who can give you direction.
A person comes and asks, “How do I deal with this person? How do I deal with that person?” There was a woman who called me and said, “Rabbi, I am living with my parents. My parents are somewhat difficult—I do not want to call them a nuisance, but they are weighing heavily on me. Now I want to move out because I want to live my life. I have a daughter, and I want to live my life, but my parents are becoming offended. What should I do? How should I deal with them? How am I supposed to conduct myself? Should I move, or should I not move?”
She came to me, and, with God's help, we gave her advice. Hopefully she is listening.
This leads me to one tangent. I believe Hashem wants me to say this. There are people who ask eighteen opinions whenever they have a problem. What happens when you do that? You end up with more confusion than you had when you started, because there are eighteen opinions and eighteen pieces of advice that people will give you.
Therefore, choose one. Choose one rabbi. That is why it says, “Make for yourself one rabbi.” By the way, it may be that you go to one rabbi for each different topic: if you have a question in one area, you have one rabbi; for halachah, one rabbi; for business, one rabbi. One rabbi for each area—but one. You stay with that person.
If we conduct ourselves in this way, we will be able to behave properly in every situation. We see how the Creator of the universe can deal with billions of people, with each one according to his individual need. We have to imitate the Holy One, blessed be He, and do the same.
Have a wonderful, wonderful night.