As a Rabbi and educator in the community, I frequently find myself having conversations with people bemoaning the state of our community. “What’s going to be with us?” they ask, worriedly. “We have so many problems. Our community is falling apart.” And they point to a certain event or series of events that raises some serious questions about us and where we’re headed.
In discussing the pressing problems and challenges facing our community, the blame is usually cast in numerous different directions. Some people blame certain families in the community. Some people blame the wealthy community members. Some people blame the youth. Some people blame 21st-century society, figuring that the issues that plague us are essentially the issues plaguing society as a whole.
There might be some degree of truth to these claims, but in my view, they all miss the mark. I believe that the core problem in our community is something that runs much deeper, and involves a certain mindset and attitude that must be changed.
Doing Anything We Want
Our point of departure is the events told in the first two parashiyot in the Torah, Parashat Bereshit and Parashat Noah, in which we read four stories of grave sins:
· Adam and Havah’s partaking of the fruit of the forbidden tree in Gan Eden
· Kayin’s murder of his brother, Hevel
· The corruption in Noah’s time, which led to the Great Flood
· The Tower of Babel, which was built in an effort to rebel against Hashem.
The Hatam Sofer comments that these four unfortunate episodes are actually all interrelated. He explains that after Adam and Havah’s sin, although G-d forgave them and allowed them to continue living, people were still deterred by the fear of the consequences of sin. It was understood that Hashem needed to forgive Adam and Havah because they were at the time the only human beings, and humanity would cease to exist if they were killed for their mistake. But after Kayin’s crime, for which he was eventually forgiven to some extent, people reached the mistaken conclusion that they could do whatever they wanted. If Kayin could be forgiven, they figured, then apparently there is no accountability, and they could do whatever they pleased. This mistake led to the chaos that characterized the generation of the flood, when people acted without discretion, without restraint, without any regard for one another, and without any concern of the consequences of their actions. G-d was compelled to bring the flood to destroy mankind, after which He proclaimed that He would never again bring such devastation upon the earth. As a result, people foolishly concluded that they could do whatever they wanted, and would never face any consequences of their wrongdoing, because G-d would never destroy the earth. This eventually led to the sin of the Tower of Babel.
What’s the message of this insight of the Hatam Sofer?
Quite simply, it teaches us the fallacy of the notion that we can do whatever we want and get away with it. We are bound by rules and restrictions. Violating those rules and restrictions carry consequences, and sometimes, those consequences are severe.
It pains me to say this, but there is a pervasive attitude in our community that we are somehow not bound by the rules that apply to everybody else. Too many people in our community feel that they are entitled to double park on busy streets and inconvenience the other drivers while their teenage son or daughter picks up something from a store. Too many people in our community allow themselves while vacationing in a hotel to hang around in the lobby shouting to each other across the room as though they own the place. Too many people in our community feel that they can drive at whatever speed they want on the highways, despite breaking the law and endangering themselves and everyone else on the road. Too many people in our community feel that they can show up an hour late to meetings and appointments and keep the other people waiting. They feel that time limits are for other people, not for us.
I wonder whether any member of our community has ever bought a ticket to a ballgame and remained in the seat he purchased. The attitude seems to be that only losers stay in their assigned seats. If you’re SY, then you have the privilege of finding a way to the suites, or the on-field seats. The ordinary rules don’t apply to us, because we’re SY, and we’re special.
This is a terribly corrosive attitude. Why do we feel we’re above the law? Why do we think it’s fair to absolve ourselves of the need to follow the rules that everybody else follows?
More generally, I believe the core problem in our community lies in a lack of refinement and dignity, which is manifest not only in the all-too-common phenomena mentioned earlier, but also in the way we speak. Many people in our community speak in a coarse, slangy manner, using different initials and code words that just sound strange, not to mention undignified and unrefined. What’s missing from our speech, I am afraid, is the noble, regal quality that ought to characterize Hashem’s chosen nation, the children of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov, the students of Moshe Rabbenu. We come from royal stock, and it should therefore be expected that we speak and act in a more dignified and honorable manner than other people, not in a less dignified and honorable manner.
Refinement Pays Off
Parashat Noah begins with the following introduction of Noah: אלה תולדות נח, נח איש צדיק – “This is the story of Noah, Noah was a righteous man.” Many commentators noted that this pasuk appears to unnecessarily repeat Noah’s name – אלה תולדות נח, נח. One Rabbi, Hacham Ovadia Hedaya, suggested that Noah’s name is repeated to emphasize that Noah’s piety ensured his success and glory both in this world and the next world. By being a noble, moral, ethical, conscientious, honest, courteous and gracious person, he earned a share in the world to come, and also earned prominence in this world, saving humanity by being rescued from the flood.
Refined, dignified conduct helps us in every way. A person is not a hazit (“loser”) if he is nice, courteous and considerate. To the contrary, he helps himself. If people find us pleasant, honest, respectful, trustworthy and dependable, then they will admire us and want to work with us. If people are impressed by the way we speak and conduct ourselves, we will earn their respect and trust.
The story is told of a German Jew named Herbert who, in the 1930s, decided to move to Eretz Yisrael, and he boarded in the home of a certain family in Haifa while he got settled until he was able to live on his own. After some time passed, the family asked if they could put another person in his room. He was not pleased about having to share a room, but he understood that the family was poor and needed the income, and so he agreed.
To his dismay, Herbert discovered that his new roommate was not Jewish, a young man from Sweden who had come to Eretz Yisrael for a term of study. Herbert made a conscious decision to be polite, welcoming and friendly, and they ended up building a pleasant relationship, looking after one another and caring for each other’s needs.
After several months, the roommate returned to Sweden.
A number of years later, World War II erupted. This young man from Sweden served as a Swedish diplomat in Budapest, in the capacity of which he saved thousands of Jews. His name was Raoul Wallenberg, the most famous of the “righteous gentiles” who heroically defied the Nazis and worked to save Jewish lives during the Holocaust.
Courteousness and refinement help us in everything we do. Friendliness speaks every language. Raoul Wallenberg experienced the very best of Jewish morals and ethics, and it affected him. He admired and appreciated his Jewish roommate who extended friendship and courtesy, and this led him to put his life on the line to save Jewish lives.
We might draw an analogy to the waterpipes that bring water into one’s home. If dirt gets inside the pipes, all the water in the home is dirty. Every sink, every bath, the dishwasher and the laundry machine are all dirty. The filth spreads all over the house. But if the water is clean, then everyone enjoys clean water wherever they are in the home. The same true of our manners. Discourteousness “dirties” all our relationships. It harms us in this world and the next. This is not just a religious problem; it is a problem in every area of our lives, in all our dealings with people. But when our “pipes” are clean, when we have good character, and conduct ourselves with dignity and grace, this positively affects everything in our lives. Everything becomes better – our marriages, our relationships with our children, parents and other family members, our social interactions, our professional life, and everything else.
The point we’re trying to make is that it is well worth our while to be courteous and refined. It is worth it to patiently wait on line at the checkout counter rather than cut to the front. It is worth it to drive around the block for an extra two minutes to find a legal parking space rather than double park. It is worth it to enjoy the ball game sitting in the seats that we actually purchased. It is worth it to show up for a meeting when we said we would, and to profusely and sincerely apologize if we are late. It is worth it to be patient with the people in our lives whom we find agitating. It is worth it to be flexible with our spouses and other family members and make compromises to honor their wishes. We are not “hazit” by being nice and considerate. To the contrary, we do ourselves a great service, creating stronger and healthier relationships and making our lives so much happier.
This might explain why, when the Torah introduces Noah, it describes him as a man who was righteous בדורותיו – “in his generations.” Some commentaries explain this to mean that Noah remained righteous throughout the many different periods he lived through. Noah lived for 950 years, during which time he saw many drastic changes and experienced drastically different situations. And throughout it all, he remained a tzaddik. When a person’s inner core is refined, when he is humble, patient, honest, sensitive and considerate, then he does everything in a proper, becoming way. It doesn’t matter if he’s in shul, at a wedding, at a family party, at a funeral, in the office, on the golf course, at the table with his family, in the supermarket, on the golf course, on vacation, on the subway, on an airplane, in Eretz Yisrael or in Bermuda – he conducts himself respectfully, in a manner that earns the respect, admiration and trust of all the people with whom he comes in contact.
It Runs in the Family
As a high school teacher, I have had the privilege of teaching many different kinds of boys, and I’ve seen the wide range from boys with impeccable middot (character traits) to boys who are consistently rude, foul-mouthed and disrespectful. As much as it pains me to say this, I have sat in countless meetings with parents where it became very clear where the child’s character came from. I have had the special joy on many occasions to be able to proudly say to parents, “I can see where your son received his outstanding middot from,” taking note of their good manners, and the respect with which they spoke to me and to each other. And in many other instances, I told myself in my mind that it was clear why a child was so impolite, as I watched the discourteous way one or both of the parents acted. The parents’ characters have a profound impact on the development of their children’s characters.
The Torah tells us in the beginning of Parashat Noah that Noah began having children at a very advanced age, at the age of 500. (People in the earlier generations lived for many hundreds of years.) The Be’er Shemuel suggests that Noah delayed having children because he wanted to first work on perfecting his character. He understood that a parent’s personality directly impacts the child’s personality, and so he waited to first become righteous before producing children who would, he hoped, be positively influenced by his righteousness.
No matter what schools, seminaries or yeshivot our children attend, who their teachers are, who their principals are, who their friends are, what shul they attend, what brands of clothing they wear, or how many times they take trips to Israel – the most important influence on their character is us, their parents. They are taught by the example we set for them. If they see us speaking to and treating other people with kindness, courtesy and sensitivity, then they will very likely follow our example and become kind, courteous and sensitive people.
This is true of our other relationships, as well. If somebody is competitive and inflexible in marriage, always trying to “win,” then the other spouse is likely to act the same way. Conversely, if somebody is considerate and flexible, there is a far better chance that the other spouse will likewise act with consideration and flexibility.
A certain woman whose family spent the summer months in the mountains left her house one afternoon to pick up her kids from day camp. Before entering the car, she saw dark, ominous clouds forming in the sky, and suspected that a rainstorm was looming. She ran back inside to get an umbrella, and then returned to the car. Sure enough, after driving for just a couple of minutes, torrential rain started falling. As she drove, she noticed a yeshiva boy at a street corner holding some packages, without a jacket or umbrella, dripping wet.
The woman immediately pulled over to the side, rolled down the window, and offered the boy the umbrella. The boy initially refused, wondering how he would return it.
“Don’t worry about it,” the woman insisted. “I have others at home. You can keep it.”
The boy thanked her, and she continued on.
The next day, her husband received a phone call. The young man on the other line said he was calling because he wanted to return the umbrella he was given during the previous day’s thunderstorm. The husband had no idea what he was talking about.
“I didn’t give anybody an umbrella yesterday,” the man said. “Maybe it was my wife?”
“No,” the person on the other line said. “It was a man.” He gave the family name by which the man had identified himself when offering his umbrella, which was indeed this couple’s family name.
The fellow on the other line proceeded to give more details – where this happened, and the appearance of the car. Finally, after a few minutes, the man understood what happened. During that same rainstorm when his wife offered a yeshiva boy her umbrella, this man’s father was also driving, somewhere else in the neighborhood, and he saw a pedestrian getting soaked and gave him his umbrella.
It runs in the family. When we act with good manners, it affects all the people in our lives. It affects our immediate family members, the people we work with, the people we socialize with, and everybody else with whom we deal in any capacity.
Let’s Look in the Mirror
In commanding Noah to build an ark before the flood, Hashem instructed him to make a צוהר. The Midrash brings two opinions as to what this refers to – either a special kind of stone that shone to provide illumination, or a window.
It is told that a certain Rabbi was once asked to explain the view that this was a window. What purpose would be served by a window? The world was dark throughout the period of the flood; a window provided no illumination whatsoever. Why would Hashem want Noah to have a window in the ark?
The Rabbi answered that when a person looks into a window at night, when it is dark outside, he sees himself. This is what Hashem wanted Noah to have in the ark – a mirror. He wanted to ensure that Noah would not feel content knowing that he was worthy of being spared the fate of the rest of mankind. He didn’t want Noah thinking to himself, “I’m safe, I’m good, everything is fine.” He wanted Noah to continually look at himself, analyze himself, and think about how he could grow and become better.
When thinking about and discussing the problems in our community, I suggest that we all spend some time looking in the “mirror,” rather than looking “out the window” at everybody else. It’s easy to point to that person, to that family, to those kids, to those schools, to those aspects of modern society, and to everything “out there” and blame it for everything. It’s far more difficult, but far more important, to look in the mirror, to look at ourselves, to examine the way we act, to see what we can do to improve ourselves, and in this way positively impact everybody around us. We all live in our own “arks,” following a direction and path that we feel is proper, and this is how it should be. But this does not mean we should be looking down condescendingly at those outside our “ark.” We should instead be constantly looking in the “mirror” and working to be the best we can be, trusting that this will, in the long run, have a significant impact.
We all need to work on ourselves to become more refined, more respectful, more polite and more courteous. We should be the kind of community that is known for its good manners, integrity and courteousness. We should reach the point where hotels preparing to host groups from our community are eager and excited to be able to host and serve such polite, courteous guests. We should reach the point where people outside our community are eager to interact and conduct business with people in our community. We should reach the point where we are respected for our good manners, consideration and honesty.
When it comes to some areas of improvement, the proper approach is to take it slow, progressing in slow increments, such as choosing one afternoon a week to avoid lashon ha’ra or inappropriate speech, or attending an extra Torah class or minyan a week. But when it comes to our middot, this is not good enough. We need to make a deep internal commitment to improve our character such that it affects all our interactions with all people. This is not something we can work on once a week. This is something we need to work on whenever we speak with another person, whether it’s in the family, in the office, or anywhere else.
Let us heed this call for refinement, and work together to bring our wonderful community to the next level.