The Gemara (Yevamot 63b) tells of a practice that was observed in some communities in ancient times when a boy would get married. This practice, at first glance, seems very peculiar, but upon further reflection, it presents a vitally important lesson, especially for this time of year, as we prepare for the celebration of Pesach.
The people in these communities would turn to the groom and ask, מצא או מוצא – literally, “Found, or find?” The Gemara explains that מצא refers to a pasuk in Mishleh (18:22), מצא אשה מצא טוב – if one found a wife, then he found goodness. The word מוצא alludes to a pasuk in Kohelet (7:26) where King Shlomo states, ומוצא אני מר ממות את האשה – that he finds a bad wife “more bitter than death.”
As mentioned, this seems very strange. Why would they ask a groom right at this point if he found “goodness” or if he found a wife “more bitter than death”? He just got married. He is euphoric. What kind of question is this?
The answer can be found in one of the שבע ברכות, the special blessings recited under the chuppah and then during the week of celebration after the wedding. In this blessing, we ask Hashem to bring the new couple joy כשמחך יצירך בגן עדן מקדם – just as He brought joy to the very first couple, Adam and Havah, in Gan Eden. The model of joy that we wish for the new couple is the joy of Adam and Havah. The Rabbis explain that Adam had only woman in the world, and Havah had only one man in the world. There was nobody to whom to compare each other. It was clear beyond any shadow of a doubt that they married the right person. And this is our wish for the bride and groom – that they should always see each other the way Adam and Havah saw each other, as unquestionably the right partner.
This is what the people meant when they asked the groom, מצא או מוצא. The word מצא is in the past tense, whereas מוצא is in the present tense. The phrase מצא אשה מצא טוב means that if a person gets married and then firmly believes that he already מצא, he found what he was looking for, that his search is over, then מצא טוב, he will feel joy and contentment in marriage. But if מוצא, if he is still searching, if he is still looking at others and comparing them to his wife, then מר ממוות – he is going to have a bitter life.
When we compare our lives to others, we are going to be miserable. If we compare our children, our families, our spouses, our incomes, our houses, our vacations, or holidays, with those of the people around us, we are going to be miserable.
As a Rabbi, I have had the opportunity to get to know many different kinds of people very well. And every one of them, no matter how wealthy they are, no matter what kind of families they have, no matter what kind of jobs or businesses they have, face something in their lives that really upsets them and troubles them. Everyone has problems. When we compare ourselves to others and feel that they have it better, we ignore this simple fact. We think that their lives are perfect, but they aren’t. Everyone has things in their lives which are difficult. There is no sense in comparing our lives to other people’s lives, because we are all struggling with something.
And besides, Hashem has given each of us precisely what we need. The challenges that Hashem sends us are our opportunities for growth, to achieve greatness. Every person has different challenges, because every person has a different mission and unique potential to actualize. Why should I feel jealous about somebody else because he doesn’t have the challenges that I have? He has the challenges that he needs to actualize his potential, and I have the challenges that I need to actualize mine.
Pesach celebrates our freedom from slavery. Let us make sure not to enslave ourselves during this season by comparing ourselves to others. There is nothing more confining than the assumption that we all have to be the same and do the same thing. This need to compare ourselves to others denies us contentment, and causes us to do things that we really shouldn’t be doing. Let us free ourselves from comparisons, so we can experience true happiness and fulfillment.