Going back to school can be a scary experience.
Whether it’s a child starting preschool, an elementary school kid, a high schooler, or an older student going to college, yeshiva or seminary, starting a new year can be fraught with anxiety.
Nobody knows this better than parents. In fact, in many instances, the parents are even more anxious than the kid. We parents are naturally concerned about how our beloved child will be treated by their teachers and peers, how the child will meet the difficult challenges of the school day, whether or not the child will succeed, and what direction the child will take.
Having worked as an educator for quite some time, I would like to offer some thoughts as to what we parents can do to help our children and maximize their chances of success.
I would begin by positing that the single most important quality that our children – and we, for that matter – need to succeed in today’s complicated world is resilience. Let’s face it – life is tough, and we all invariably hit bumps along the road. In order to succeed, we need to be able to pick ourselves up after being knocked down, to persevere when we confront hardships.
The question then becomes, how do we build resilience in our children?
I would like to present here what I believe – based on both Torah sources as well as modern research – to be the four most important foundations of building resilience in our children, and in ourselves.
Foundation #1: You Can Overcome Failure
The first foundation is engendering the belief in the ability to recover from failure.
Perhaps not coincidentally, our children always go back to school during the month of Elul, the month which is all about this belief in our ability to overcome failure.
The origin of Elul as the month of repentance goes back many, many years – to the time when Beneh Yisrael were encamped at Mount Sinai, and they committed what is likely the gravest of all sins in history – worshipping a golden calf. After Hashem revealed Himself to Beneh Yisrael at Sinai to give them the Torah, Moshe ascended the mountain to receive the Torah, which he did over the course of forty days. He came down from the mountain after this forty-day period, on Shivah Assar Be’Tammuz, and shattered the luhot (tablets) upon seeing the people worshipping the idol. He went back up the mountain to pray for forgiveness on behalf of the people, and came down forty days later, on the last day of the month of Av. He returned yet again the following day, on Rosh Hodesh Elul, and remained for another forty days, descending on Yom Kippur, when Hashem announced that the people were forgiven, and Moshe brought the second set of tablets.
Thus, the forty-day period of repentance from Rosh Hodesh Elul through Yom Kippur is rooted in the forty-day period during which Beneh Yisrael repented for the sin of golden calf, and earned forgiveness.
This history of Elul and the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) teaches us what this period is all about. It is about the hope of recovering from the worst imaginable failure, and correcting the worst imaginable mistake. It is about seeing the shattered tablets on the ground in thousands of pieces and trusting that a new set of tablets can still be earned. It is about acknowledging our guilt, firmly believing that we can grow from our mistakes, and refusing to be broken by them.
When a kid fails, he assumes that his failure defines him. Lacking the experience of an adult, and without having enjoyed much success, he just assumes that he is a failure. And when a child struggles academically and is assigned to the lowest-level class in school, he defines himself as a poor performer. He takes on this label, and sees himself as somebody destined to perform poorly.
It is imperative that we teach our children that failure is a step in the process, not a label, that broken tablets can be replaced, that even a mistake as bad as the golden calf can be overcome. No grade on any test or any report card permanently defines them. No hurtful word said by a classmate defines them. No strikeout or bobbled ball permanently defines them. No misconduct for which they are punished permanently defines them. No matter what they’ve done wrong, they can recover and achieve.
Foundation #2: You Have Control
In our Yom Kippur prayer service, we go through the special avodah (service) that the kohen gadol would perform in the Bet Ha’mikdash on Yom Kippur. This included the sprinkling of blood in the holiest place on earth – the קודש הקודשים, the most sacred room in the Bet Ha’mikdash. The kohen gadol sprinkled the blood eight times, in a special sequence known as אחת למעלה ושבע למטה – “once upwards and seven times downward.” We emphasize this in our Yom Kippur prayer service, singing together the words uttered by the kohen gadol as he counted: אחת, אחת ואחת, אחת ושתיים, אחת ושלוש – “One, one and one, one and two, one and three” and so on. Why was the kohen gadol required to sprinkle the blood in this fashion, and how is this significant?
The Gemara in Masechet Sukkah teaches us that the yetzer ha’ra (evil inclination) has seven different names. The names themselves are not important for our purposes here; suffice it to say that these names likely refer to the various different categories of human vices, the general types of weaknesses that plague all of us.
The format of אחת למעלה ושבע למטה symbolizes the fact that our “heavenly” force of goodness is capable of outweighing and overpowering all seven forces of the yetzer ha’ra. We should not be afraid of the שבע למטה – all the temptations and pressures that try to pull us down, because we have אחת למעלה – a powerful force of good within us that can defeat any weakness.
This, too, is one of the critical messages of Elul. The letters of the name אלול represent the phrase אחת למעלה ושבע למטה, because Elul is the time to remind ourselves of the message represented by this sequence of sprinkling the blood. Elul is when we remind ourselves that we are capable of more, that we can be better. Elul is when we remind ourselves that we are in control, that we decide what we do and what we don’t do. Elul is the time to recognize the אחת למעלה, the upward force that is so much more powerful than the שבע למטה, than all the forces that try pulling us down.
This is the second foundation of resilience – the knowledge that we can control ourselves, that we can withstand and resist any negative influence and tendency.
So many children give up because they feel that life is random, that they are objects, and not subjects, that they are powerless against the wide array of forces exerted on them. They need to be told that they are stronger than they think, that Hashem has empowered them with a force that is stronger than anything that might hold them down.
One of the most famous psychologists in the world today is Dr. Carol Dweck, who achieved widespread fame for her studies showing the distinction between what she terms a “fixed mindset” and a “growth mindset.” Children who early in life engender a “fixed mindset” believe that their capabilities are “fixed,” that they will always be good at what they are good at now, and not good at what they are not good at now. Children with a “growth mindset,” by contrast, are open to learning and growing. They trust in their abilities to learn new things and to develop new habits, and so they don’t give up easily when confronted with a new challenge.
Dr. Dweck’s groundbreaking study showed, for example, the effects of repeatedly congratulating a child for a high score by saying, “That’s great, you’re very smart!” When a child is led to believe that he achieved because he is naturally talented, he will back away when presented with a challenge that seems difficult. He is trained to think that he can succeed only with his natural, ingrained talents, and thus when he encounters a task that requires developing a new talent, he recoils. The proper response to a child who scored well on an exam is not, “See, you’re smart,” but rather, “See, you worked hard and succeeded.” When a child hears this, he draws the connection in his mind between hard work and achievement. Success is linked not to his natural talents, but to his effort. He thus develops a “growth mindset,” the feeling that he is always capable of learning something new, of being more and better than he is today.
This is a such a vital important message for all of us, especially in Elul, and especially for our children. If we want them to be resilient, then we need to let them know that they can be better, that they can grow, that they can change. It’s so much more convenient for all of us to just write ourselves off as second rate, to say, “Look, this is who I am, and I’m never going to change that.” But it’s just not true. We are who we are today, but this does not have to be who we are tomorrow. We have control. We have an אחת למעלה that can lift us up and help us be so much more than what we are in the present.
The שבע למטה may also allude to another set of seven – the seven openings in the head: the ears, the eyes, the nostrils and the nose. These seven openings represent that which we allow into our beings – the sounds, sights, smells and tastes to which we grant entry into our souls. Too often, we mistakenly assume that we have no control over what enters. We think that we have no say over what we see, hear or consume. But this is not true. אחת למעלה ושבע למטה. Our divine spark from above empowers us to guard all the “openings” to our souls.
Every year, the month of Elul begins around the time when we read Parashat Shoftim, which opens with the command, שופטים ושוטרים תתן לך בכל שעריך – “You shall place for yourselves judges and guards throughout your gates.” Simply, the Torah here commands that every city appoint a judicial system and a system of law enforcement. But on a deeper level, the Shelah Ha’kadosh explained that the Torah here calls on us to place “judges” and “guards” by all the “gates” to our souls. We are required to carefully discern what we allow into our beings, what we see, hear and eat, and to ensure to block out what should not be allowed in. The message being conveyed is that we are fully capable of guarding our senses, of avoiding things that should be avoided, that we are not helpless victims of our surroundings.
So many youngsters make this mistake. They say, “I can’t help it,” or “This is the way the world is,” and just assume they have no control over what they see or hear. We need to assure them that they have control, that they are strong, that they are capable, that they are endowed with a great power from Above. They have control, even when they feel they don’t.
Foundation #3: You Matter!
One of the most destructive crises affecting our youth is one which, I am afraid, has not received enough attention, and that is the sense that they don’t matter, that what they do and how they act is not terribly important, because one person’s conduct doesn’t mean all that much.
We don’t realize how overwhelmed our children feel. Growing up in New York City, with the streets teeming with thousands upon thousands of people, it is easy to feel lost and unimportant. Growing up in our community, which has, baruch Hashem, grown in leaps and bounds, it is easy to feel lost and unimportant. Spending hours a day online, encountering the seemingly endless expanse of the world, it is easy to feel lost and unimportant. Individual kids see themselves as small and insignificant.
It is not hard to imagine what happens when a youngster sees himself as small and insignificant. He determines that there’s no reason to try, to make an effort to achieve, to exercise restraint, to maintain his dignity, to work hard to make something of himself.
I speak about this topic with students all the time. When I address the topic of foul language, for example, I impress upon the boys that their mouth is something precious, that their prayers are inestimably valuable, and they can be tainted by inappropriate speech. Youngsters speak with profanity when they fail to see their great value and worth, that they are princes, the children of the King of the world. Youngsters give up exercising control over their impulses when they don’t think they matter, when they don’t feel important. It is when we feel we’re important, that our lives are priceless, that we are willing to work very hard to live meaningfully.
The אחת למעלה ושבע למטה teaches us that Hashem views each and every Jew as important enough to build a personal relationship with him or her, a relationship with empowers each person to overcome challenges and pressures. Our children need to know that Hashem has invested in them, that they are important to Him, as it were, that their very existence testifies to their importance and value in His eyes. They need to know that they matter, their future matters, their words matter, and their behavior matters.
I was once talking to somebody who quite clearly did a dazzling job raising his children, and I asked him how he did it, what his secret was to raising such outstanding kids. He answered, very simply, “My kids know that I would pull out the whole cavalry for them.”
This is the key. It does not mean giving children whatever they want. That does the opposite of building resilience and strength. Rather, it means making it clear to our children that we are unconditionally there for each of them, that nothing is ever more important to us than they are. We need to show our children that they matter. Parents convey this message in many different ways, including simple measures like ensuring that both parents show up at every parent-teacher meeting. They convey this message by making a point of knowing the names of their children’s teachers – not just in 3rd grade, but also in 12th grade.
Another way to send this message is by simply answering the phone. This fellow whom I was speaking with, a successful businessman, told me that he never, ever fails to answer a call from any of his kids. Even if he is in the middle of a tense meeting about buying or selling a multimillion-dollar asset, he answers the phone when a kid calls. And, of course, this means taking our eyes out of our phones and focusing our attention on our kids. Our kids so desperately need us to show them that they matter to us, that they are infinitely more important to us than any phone call, text message, video, or social media post. When we show them this, they will recognize their importance and worth, and will see the value in the resilient effort to grow and achieve.
Foundation #4: You Have Something the World Needs
Finally, every child needs to know that he or she has strengths that the world can use. Sadly, many children do not believe that they are needed, that they have something of significance to give the world.
The reason why can perhaps be understood by way of a meaningful story told in the Gemara. In Masechet Hagigah, the Gemara relates that Rabbi Yohanan was once walking along the road and came across a man picking figs from a fig tree. Strangely, the man discarded the ripe figs, and put in his bag only the figs that had not yet ripened. Rabbi Yohanan asked the man why he kept specifically the figs which had yet to ripen.
The man explained that he was preparing for a journey. The ripened figs would rot fairly quickly, and thus would not be of much use for him. The other figs, however, would last a long time and eventually become ripe. These are the ones he wanted for his journey.
Youngsters are unripe fruit. They all have a bright and promising future ahead of them, latent potential that will take time to materialize, but right now, it might be difficult for them to see it. They see “ripened” adults and peers, those who are already successful and impressive, and they consider themselves worthless by comparison.
We need to teach our children the lesson taught to Rabbi Yohanan by that traveler. Life is a long journey. If we don’t see our strengths and capabilities now, all this means is that we still have to “ripen,” that we have work to do before we blossom. But if Hashem put us here in this world, it means that we have some unique, valuable skill to offer the world. It does not mean we will be famous or rich. It means that we have something special with which to profoundly affect the world, if only we recognize and cultivate our strengths and talents. If a child knows this, he believes in himself, and will be more likely to put in the effort to overcome his struggles and achieve.
Shmuel’s Havrutot
An inspiring story about one young man’s first days in yeshiva can teach us a great deal about the vital importance of resilience in the pursuit of success.
A new Sefer Torah was once dedicated in England in honor of a certain older gentleman named Shmuel Deutsch. A huge crowd attended the event, and numerous prominent Rabbis and other figures spoke. At the end, Shmuel got up to speak, and began by sharing his story.
He said that he was 11 when World War II broke out. He was sent to a labor camp while the rest of his family was killed by the Nazis. He ended up surviving the war, and was brought to England, where he decided to enroll in a yeshiva.
Shmuel went to one of the best yeshivot in England and approached the Rosh Yeshiva to request admission. The Rosh Yeshiva inquired about his background, and Shmuel told him his story.
“It’s beautiful that you want to learn Torah,” the Rosh Yeshiva said to Shmuel, but you have not learned since you were 11. I am afraid you will not be able to keep up with the other boys, who have been in yeshiva consistently all these years.”
“Rabbi, I’ve been through a lot already,” Shmuel said. “I’m staying here.”
“But how will you find a havruta [study partner]?” the Rosh Yeshiva asked.
Shmuel had no answer, but his mind was made up.
He decided to sit by the entrance to the bet midrash and put up a sign on the wall that read, “My name is Shmuel. I’m new here, and I’m looking for a havruta.” He told himself that no matter what happened, he would remain there for three days. If he did not find a havruta after three days of waiting, then he would leave.
The first day, he sat there all alone, hoping and waiting, but nobody stopped by. He went to sleep that night crying, but he remembered the promise he made to himself that he would wait for three full days.
The same thing happened the second day. All the other boys passed right by him, and he was left alone. Once again, he went to sleep crying.
On the third day, he was discouraged and ready to give up. But once again, he reminded himself of his promise. “Anyway, it won’t hurt to spend one more day doing this,” he thought to himself.
At the end of the day, he realized that his plan didn’t work. He took down the sign, collected his things, and was about to walk out.
Just then, two boys came running to him. They introduced themselves as Moshe and Tuvia, and they told him they were looking for a havruta. One needed a havruta in the morning, and the other in the afternoon.
These two boys learned patiently and devotedly with Tuvia for several years, and he caught up to the level of the other students.
Shmuel then told the audience who his havrutot were: Tuvia Weiss and Moshe Sternbuch, who later became two of the world’s leading Torah sages.
These two students, quite obviously, were exceptionally bright and talented. But they were prepared to study with a newcomer who had not learned since he was 11. They realized that Shmuel had something special to contribute, that he mattered, that he could overcome any challenge, that he was laden with potential waiting to be materialized. This changed his life, and they did not compromise their own achievements one iota by studying with him.
This is what our children need from us. They need to know that we believe in them, in their capabilities, in their potential, and in their future. They need to know that whatever they’ve done in the past, and whatever they’re struggling with in the present, we see them as having something special and unique to achieve and to contribute.
If we equip our children with this strength and confidence, then school will not be scary. It will, invariably, be challenging at times, but it won’t frighten them. It will, instead, build them and develop them into the outstanding and unique individuals that they are unquestionably capable of becoming.