We all know that the Bet Ha’mikdash was destroyed because of שנאת חינם – “baseless hatred.” This is like the ABCs of Tishah B’Av observance, and the primary theme that we hear over and over again, each and every year, during this season.
But there’s one problem. The Gemara gives a different reason for why the Bet Ha’mikdash is destroyed.
While it is true that in one place the Gemara mentions שנאת חינם, in a different place (Masechet Bava Metzia), the Gemara says that the Temple was destroyed שהעמידו דבריהם על דין תורה ולא עבדו לפנים משורת הדין – which means that the people of that time insisted on following the strict law, without extending beyond the letter of the law.
Really?!
What happened to שנאת חינם? Isn’t that what everyone talks about when we reflect on the destruction? And why is it so bad to stick to the law and not go beyond the law?
The answer lies in the most important rule we need to know each and every time we find ourselves in a conversation with somebody – anybody – and there’s some tension, some disagreement, some argument, or some uneasiness.
That rule is: When people speak with passion and emotion, they do not mean exactly what they say. They mean something else.
All people carry with them some degree of pain, caused by the challenges and hardships they’ve had or are dealing with. And, all people are a little insecure, and worried about being significant. Of course, people do not come right out and say it. But they’re all feeling this, to one extent or another.
When a sister is giving another sister a hard time about where the holiday meal should be, insisting that she should host it, she is expressing insecurity. If a partner is sitting in the boardroom arguing against an idea for a new product line proposed by a different partner, he is expressing insecurity. If a friend becomes overly sensitive and upset over an innocent comment, this is emotional fragility caused by the pain the friend is feeling.
This is לפנים משורת הדין. We are expected to be detectives, to UNDERSTAND people, rather than JUDGE people.
And this is the key to overcoming שנאת חינם – destructive fighting and arguing that plagues so many families, so many businesses, and so many communities. We need to be detectives, understanding what’s behind other people’s vices. We need to stop rushing to judge and responding in kind, and start trying to empathize with people’s struggles lying beneath the surface.
The Talmud tells a story that is both humorous and sad, about a husband and wife who spoke two different dialects. The husband told his wife to buy two בוציני, which meant “melons” in his dialect, but meant “candlesticks” in her dialect. When the wife came home with two candlesticks, the husband was angry, and told her to bang the candlesticks on the בבא – which means “door” in Aramaic. The only בבא the wife knew was the great Rabbi, Rabbi Baba (בבא) ben Buta. And so she went to the Rabbi, who was delivering a class, and started hitting him with the candlesticks.
He asked the woman what she was doing, and she explained that her husband was angry that she bought the wrong item, and told her to bang them on בבא.
The Rabbi gave her a warm blessing that she and her husband should have two outstanding sons.
If the Rabbi had followed the strict letter of the law, he would have repudiated the woman for being so foolish, and for thinking that she should barge in and start hitting him with candlesticks. But he extended לפנים משורת הדין, understanding that this woman was fragile, struggling with difficult issues in her marriage. And so he responded kindly, warmly and sensitively.
This is the key to overcoming שנאת חינם – doing our detective work, recognizing the pain, struggles and insecurities beneath the surface, and responding not to what the other person says, but rather to what the other person means.