King David said in Tehillim, מאויבי תחכמני – “You make me wiser than my enemies.” This pasuk has also been interpreted to mean, “from my enemies You make me wise.” That is to say, we have lots to learn even from our ideological opponents, from those who disagree with us, and even those whose ideas we must despise. Very often, there are important lessons that we can and must learn from members of opposing “teams,” people whose beliefs and lifestyles are very different from ours.
Somebody showed me a book written from a Christian perspective entitled, You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving Church…and Rethinking Faith. This book studies the phenomenon that has been confirmed not only by empirical evidence, but also by actual research and surveys, of young Americans drifting away from organized religion. We are not talking of diehard atheists who reject and ridicule religion, but rather of those who might recognize the value of religion, but just aren’t interested. We see this in our community very often. Our shuls are, baruch Hashem, full, but there are plenty of young adults who aren’t interested in attending. Many young men simply feel no need to wear tefillin every day. They don’t view tefillin as a bad thing, they’re just not interested.
As the title of the book expresses, many young adults today say that we “lost” them. What does this mean? It means that we lost their interest. Even if they accept the basic tenets of Orthodox Judaism, and respect a lot of our customs and traditions, it just doesn’t interest them or appeal to them enough for them to buy into it.
How do we understand this phenomenon, and what can we do about it?
ובגויים לא יתחשב
Parashat Balak is famous for the beautiful blessings and praises given to us by none other than Bilam, one of the most wicked, depraved people who ever lived. Bilam was hired by Balak, the king of Moav, to place a curse upon Beneh Yisrael, but Hashem did not allow this to happen. Every time Bilam attempted to place a curse, he ended up speaking beautiful praises and blessing our nation. Several of these praises have become quite famous, because they effectively capture many of the qualities that form the core essence of the Jewish People.
One such praise is, הן עם לבדד ישכון ובגויים לא יתחשב – describing Am Yisrael as a nation that “dwells alone,” and which “does not mix with the nations.” The Jewish People have always stood separate and apart from the rest of the world. This does not mean that we should live or have lived in isolation; we were never “alone” in the sense of not having any connection or interaction with other peoples. We always had contact with other nations. But nevertheless, we were always separate. We always lived in separate communities, and raised our children on separate values. We didn’t follow the crowd. Our interactions with general society were generally limited to matters of necessity – such as in areas of work, commerce and the like – and rarely developed into very close friendships. For the most part, we lived separately, distinct from other peoples.
To some extent, this is still very much the case. The prohibition against driving on Shabbat forces us to live in close proximity to a synagogue, which naturally results in geographic cohesion, which then naturally leads to לבדד ישכון, communities that are close-knit and largely separate from general society. And, we still have our own unique, distinct culture and way of life, which differs significantly from that of other people in the society we live in. So in a very real sense, we still are an עם לבדד ישכון, a nation that dwells apart.
The same cannot be said, however, about the next phrase in this pasuk: ובגויים לא יתחשב – that we do not intimately involve ourselves in foreign culture. We do, in a very real way, and this is having a profound impact on the way young people today think generally, and certainly on the way they relate to Orthodox Judaism.
Those of us who grew up several decades ago encountered general culture mainly through entertainment. The non-Jews to whom kids were exposed back then were, overwhelmingly, celebrities – athletes, Hollywood actors, and television personalities. While this exposure certainly had some influence – much of which was far from positive – it was still clear to children back then that they were different, that they were viewing people who belong to a totally different culture group. The lines of separation were still clearly drawn.
The internet has brought exposure to society to an entirely new level – not only in terms of quantity, meaning, the frequency with which kids are interacting with society, but also in terms of quality, the kind of people to whom they are exposed. Today, kinds interact with their counterparts in other societies and cultures. Through social media, they are exposed to people their age in other parts of New York City, other parts of the United States, and other parts of the world. They are exposed to people their age practicing other religions, or practicing no religion. They may be exposed to Palestinians who tell them that Israel is evil. In short, they are interacting with real, normal people with drastically different ideas, values and lifestyles.
The significance of this reality cannot be overemphasized. It has literally, without any exaggeration, changed our brains. People today think differently than they did just twenty or thirty years ago. Youngsters growing up with this kind of exposure cannot think in absolute, definitive terms. Everything they hear is up for debate and doubt. Anything they hear can then be searched on Google, where they encounter a confusing world of conflicting perspectives. They read these perspectives and interact regularly with people who think and act very differently from the way we want them to think and act. Under such conditions, it is very difficult to ignite passion and commitment. If youngsters are always confused, always skeptical, always comparing what their parents, rabbis and schools teach them with what they encounter in the virtual world where they spend so much of their time, it is hard for them to automatically buy what we are trying to sell them without any questions or doubts. Anytime there is a mitzvah which they find challenging, such as daily prayer, fasting, or kashrut – they can instantly find dozens of arguments why they should not bother. It should then not surprise us when they don’t feel passionate about these and other mitzvot.
Parents sometimes tell me that their kids say about Judaism, “It doesn’t speak to me.” What they’re really saying is “I’ve seen the other side. You can’t fool me.” The reason why Judaism doesn’t “speak to them” is because they’re regularly exposed to conflicting values and lifestyles which they find more appealing.
How do we address this problem? How can we overcome this enormous, unprecedented challenge in inspiring Torah commitment in our youth?
Making our “Sales Pitch”
Imagine a wholesaler who deals in handkerchiefs, and schedules a meeting with a retailer, hoping to make a deal. He right away goes to his well-rehearsed sales pitch, which he had spent a few days preparing. It goes something like this, “You need these handkerchiefs. They are so much better than any other handkerchief you’ll ever carry. These are the handkerchiefs that every customer wants, and there’s no question at all that they will sell like hotcakes. This is the merchandise you’ve waited for to make your business take off – guaranteed. Don’t even bother with any other brand – this is by far the best, hands down!”
How seriously will the retailer take this fellow? When speaking in such absolute, black-and-white terms, the businessman comes across as an actor – and not a very good one, at that. The retailer will naturally not trust a word of this sales pitch, and, in all likelihood, will not want to conduct any business at all with our big-talking wholesaler.
If the wholesaler was smart, he would not just talk; he would listen, ask questions, and encourage the prospective customer to ask questions. He would ask about the retailer’s store, what kind of merchandise he sells, with which products he’s been successful and unsuccessful, what kind of people come into the store, and how he thinks he could increase his sales. Then he would intelligently and honestly discuss the value of his handkerchiefs and respectfully address the retailer’s questions and doubts about whether they would actually sell.
This is the way we need to “sell” Torah to today’s youth who are fully engaged in, and exposed to, general society.
It must be emphasized that we must not entertain any doubts whatsoever about the absolute truth, authenticity, beauty and inestimable value of Torah life. We certainly must feel confident and passionate about Torah, recognizing that it is true and the way we are to live each day of our lives. But if we make our “sales pitch” with unbridled confidence and black-and-white definitiveness, we are not likely to succeed.
Perhaps a good example is the national conventions held by both political parties in the summer before a Presidential election. If a voter is uncertain about where he or she stands on the issues of the day, and is looking for a reasoned, rational explanation of the two sides so he or she can make a sound, informed decision, the last places this voter would turn are the Democratic National Convention and the Republican National Convention. These conventions feature speakers whose message is already known to everyone before they go to the podium. The speeches consist almost entirely of slogans, platitudes and insulting comments about the opponent. They do a good job of exciting those who have already signed on, but they will hardly be effective winning the support of a sincere skeptic who is still making his or her decision.
We cannot present Judaism to today’s youngsters this way – with shallow slogans and catch phrases. We need to engage the youth, allow and encourage them to ask questions, and help them find satisfactory answers.
Think of it this way. If we are struggling with a difficult decision, uncertain which choice to make, and we seek somebody’s advice, to what kind of person would we turn? The best person to consult in such a situation is somebody who understands both sides. He might strongly advocate for one or the other, but if he does not understand the other possibility, then there is no reason to trust his judgment. If a salesman walks in and right away starts his pitch, without taking the customer’s needs and concerns into account, he cannot be trusted.
This must be our approach towards today’s youngsters, as well. We cannot just shove our “handkerchiefs” into their pockets. We need to listen to them in a non-judgmental way. We need to patiently and respectfully hear their questions and understand their reluctance to embrace this mitzvah or that mitzvah. Of course, as mentioned, our belief and commitment must be firm and unyielding. But in our effort to inspire our youngsters, we need to avoid absolutes. We cannot yell and scream like a politician at a national convention, or like a salesman making his rehearsed pitch without paying attention to the customer’s needs.
If a youngster’s faith has been shaken by the news of a religious Jew who fell ill, or who died young, he or she should not be silenced. We should say something to the effect of, “Yes, I also find it confusing. It is hard to understand how a loving G-d can allow this to happen. I struggle with my emunah sometimes, but there have also been so many times when I saw Hashem’s kindness very clearly.” When a youngster expresses disinterest in praying, we should listen carefully and then maybe say, “I also have trouble saying the same words every day, and it gets discouraging when I pray and my wishes are not fulfilled. But I feel privileged to be able to stand before Hashem each day, and just knowing that He listens to me gives me comfort.” We don’t necessarily have to have the best “sales pitch.” But what’s important is that we listen patiently and show that we understand the youth’s concerns and hesitation. Otherwise, we will “lose” them in an instant.
Reeds and Cedars
This might be the meaning of a passage in the Gemara commenting on one of Bilam’s other blessings to the Jewish People. Bilam at one point compares Beneh Yisrael to a cedar tree (כארזים עלי מים), a symbol of strength and power. By contrast, the prophet Ahiyah Ha’Shiloni, who lived centuries later, once gave a harsh prophecy, warning that the Jewish People would be swept like reeds in a fierce storm. The Gemara comments that Ahiyah’s curse to Beneh Yisrael is preferable to Bilam’s blessing to Beneh Yisrael. A cedar tree does not have deep roots, and does not generally grow near a water source. Therefore, while it is capable of withstanding most strong winds, a certain type of fierce wind can uproot it and knock it down. A reed, however, is easily swept by any kind of wind, even by a light breeze, but it will never be uprooted. It has deep roots and grows near water, and so it can withstand anything, even the fiercest storm. It bends in whichever way the wind blows, but always stands it ground; no matter what, it will not be uprooted.
Continuing this theme, the Gemara points out that Torah scrolls are written with pens made from reeds. The reed serves as a powerful symbol, and thus it has been chosen as the material with which the Torah is written.
What does this mean?
In order to educate, to write the Torah upon our children’s hearts, we need to resemble a reed. We must have very deep “roots” – a firm foundation of faith and commitment that will never be shaken, but, at the same time, when dealing with our youth, we need to “bend.” If we come at them with absolute inflexibility like a cedar, we won’t succeed. They won’t listen. But if we let them engage us, and discuss their ideas, thoughts and questions with us, then we can perhaps reach them and inspire them. If they confront us and find that we’re unyielding like a cedar, they’ll say, “You lost me” and walk away. But if we bend like a reed, respectfully listening to them and allowing them to express their questions, and working with them to suggest answers, then they are likely to join us on this journey. As long as our roots are deeply and firmly entrenched in the ground, we can show flexibility and tolerance for their questions and concerns.
The ”cedar” is the adult who refuses to accept any questions, and responds simply, “This is what we do,” or “This is what we believe,” without giving the question any legitimacy. This adult sounds “tough,” but a perceptive youngster will think he’s fake, that his commitment is shallow and insincere, as it is incapable of addressing any questions or challenges. The stronger approach is that of the “reed,” the one who patiently listens to questions, respects them, and honestly looks for answers. This is the way to build respect and devotion to our Torah tradition.
Show Them a Lot!
One final point needs to be made about this crucial subject.
As mentioned, our youngsters see a lot. They are exposed to a wide variety of ideas and styles, and many of them find this exposure liberating, freeing them from the narrow confines of what they’ve been taught. To combat this phenomenon, we need to “compete” with everything that’s out there. And the way we do that is by exposing them to the wide variety that exists within our world.
If they’re seeing a lot of other things, we need to show them a lot of our things. The Torah world, and even our community, is not at all monolithic. We have quite a range of viewpoints, approaches, styles, Rabbinic figures, and perspectives. There are many “hot button” questions that come up and which give rise to considerable discussion and debate, yielding different positions. Let’s expose our children to all this. Let’s direct them to Orthodox Jewish publications and websites where these issues are discussed in a serious manner. Let’s show them that the great “reed” of Torah can be “swept” in different directions while still being firmly rooted in authentic tradition. There are many fascinating questions that come up and are debated, which we can discuss with our children, showing them the richness of Torah and the diversity of its adherents. There are many places where we can direct our youths’ curious minds so they can see the beauty and profundity of our tradition.
This is the “pen” we need to use if we want to succeed in the holy task of writing the Torah upon the hearts of today’s youth. In the past, when the outside world was always viewed as being truly “outside” and different, perhaps there was some merit in the “cedar” approach, in refusing to discuss or indulge conflicting ideas and viewpoints. Today, however, when the outside world has come inside ours, this won’t work. The questions are real, and they need to be respectfully heard and addressed.
If we show patience, respect and flexibility, then we will be effective “salesmen,” honorably representing Hashem and His Torah to the next generation, and convincingly showing them the absolute perfection, beauty and sanctity of Torah life.