Once, during a class I gave to a group of young men, I asked them to tell about something annoying that happened to them recently. One of them related that the previous week, he missed the class because a car was blocking his driveway. He lives very close to the shul where the class is given, and he normally walks from home. But this time, he was out, and when he came home, he saw a car blocking his driveway, and so he had to park far away and missed the class.
I later told this fellow how this story sounded to me: “You were probably already late to the class, and so when you saw someone blocking your driveway, instead of parking a couple of blocks away, you figured you had an excuse, so you just wouldn’t bother coming.”
“Wow, Rabbi,” he replied. “You’re spot on.”
There is a disease that many of us are plagued by – the disease of chronic blaming. When something goes wrong, when we don’t succeed the way we want, when things aren’t right, we find someone to blame.
It’s the husband’s fault… The wife’s fault… The parent’s fault… The in-laws’ fault… The Rabbi’s fault… The school’s fault… There’s always someone to blame.
In Parashat Ki-Tisa, Moshe Rabbenu really does have everyone to blame the problem on – but instead, he takes personal responsibility.
This parashah tells of the worst sin ever committed by Beneh Yisrael – the sin of the golden calf. Although Moshe was the leader, he had every reason to absolve himself of responsibility. He was not even there when it happened. The people made the golden calf despite Moshe, not because of Moshe.
But he did not blame the people. Instead, he came before Hashem and pleaded for them. And he said that if Hashem would not forgive them, then מחני נא מספרך אשר כתבת – “erase me, please, from Your book which You have written.” He refused to be left alone if the people would be punished. He insisted on taking the blame. If the people could not be forgiven and needed to be punished, then he would be punished with them.
Why is the “blame game” so terrible? Why is it wrong to blame others instead of taking responsibility?
There are several reasons, but the most important reason is because when things go wrong, this is a precious opportunity to grow. We have an enormous amount of potential within us. Every person has greatness waiting to be unlocked. But the only way it is unlocked is through challenge and struggle.
The stories told of our avot – Avraham, Yitzhak and Yaakov – are about their struggles and challenges. Avraham was given ten tests. Yitzhak was nearly slaughtered. Yaakov was forced to run away from his brother, deal with his corrupt uncle, Lavan, and then suffered tragedies in the family. Yosef was nearly killed by his brothers, and then sold as a slave and subsequently imprisoned. All these men became great because of the enormous challenges they had to face. Instead of blaming others, they took responsibility and rose to the occasion, every time. This is how they attained greatness.
When Moshe pleaded to Hashem for the people after the sin of the golden calf, he said, חטא העם הזה חטאה גדולה – “This nation has committed a terrible sin.” At first glance, this seems like a peculiar way to come to the people’s defense and plead on their behalf. But what Moshe was saying is that he was accepting responsibility. Under his leadership, they made a grave mistake – and he was committed to helping them overcome it and grow from it. That’s exactly what he did, and both he and the people became so much greater because of it.
This is leadership – accepting responsibility for the problem, instead of just blaming it on somebody else.
Rather than blame his absence on the car parked in front of his driveway, the boy should have said to himself, “Next time, I’ll do better. I’m going to make an extra effort to come on time, and if I’m late, I’ll come anyway and gain whatever I can.” This would be how to turn this mistake into a learning experience, and an impetus for growth.
A similar thing happened to me. Once, on a snowy morning, it took me longer than usual to get to shul. I walked in a few minutes late, and I saw that they had already started the tefillah. My initial reaction was to feel very upset. They really couldn’t wait for the Rabbi? They had to start right on time? When the roads are covered with snow, couldn’t they wait a few minutes?
I was playing the “blame game,” blaming others instead of taking responsibility. I quickly corrected my mindset, and told myself, “Next time I’ll do better. The next time it snows, I’ll make an extra effort to leave early so I’ll show up on time.” And that’s exactly what I did the next time its snowed…
We all make mistakes. We all do things wrong sometimes. It’s part of being human. But more importantly, it’s part of growing. And in order to grow from our mistakes, we need to take responsibility for our mistakes instead of blaming them on others.
Let us, then, seize the opportunities presented by our mistakes to grow and unlock the hidden greatness within us!