Don’t Wait to Appreciate Them
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure
different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know anything about that. He
is too old to remember his childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he’s hopelessly out of date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has
been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he’s had a
lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.
Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over
with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a
lot from him.
This poem, which has been widely circulated over the years, depicts in a powerful way the unfortunate reality that we often fail to properly appreciate our parents, and our elders in general, until they are gone. During their lifetime, especially when we are young adults, we feel we know better, that we don’t really need them, that they’re outdated and old-fashioned, and that they have nothing to teach us. A study of a pasuk in Parashat Ekev can help us overcome this tendency, and learn to respect our appreciate our parents the way we ought to right now.
Was Aharon Right or Wrong?
In this parashah, Moshe recounts the tragic event of חטא העגל, the sin of the golden calf. The story first appears in the Book of Shemot (chapter 32), where we read that Beneh Yisrael, seeing that Moshe did not return from atop Mount Sinai at the time they expected, gathered around Aharon and asked him to make for them a graven image. Aharon asked them to bring him their gold, which they did, and he proceeded to make a golden calf. He then announced that a festival celebration would be held the next day, and he constructed an altar. The next day, sure enough, the people held a celebration worshipping the golden calf, and then Moshe returned from the mountain, whereupon G-d punished the people with a terrible plague.
Here in Parashat Ekev, Moshe recalls how Hashem was very angry at Aharon because of this grave incident: ובאהרון התאנף ה' מאד להשמידו, ואתפלל גם בעד אהרון – “Hashem was very angry at Aharon, and was going to destroy him, and I prayed also for Aharon” (9:20). Rashi explains that Hashem decreed that Aharon’s four sons would all die because of his role in the sin of the golden calf, but Moshe interceded on Aharon’s behalf. His prayers were partially successful, as Aharon ended up losing two sons – Nadav and Avihu – while the other two survived.
The clear implication of Rashi’s comments is that Aharon acted wrongly by making a golden calf in response to the people’s request. Whatever Aharon’s intentions were, it is clear that Hashem was angered by what he did, and punished him severely.
However, other sources state clearly that Aharon acted properly. The Gemara in Masechet Sanhedrin (7a) tells that before the people approached Aharon, they had first gathered around another leader, the prophet Hur, who refused to make an idol, and the people promptly killed him. Aharon feared that if he also resisted, the people would kill him, too, and after killing both a prophet and kohen on the same day, the people would have no chance of spiritual recovery. He therefore felt it was preferable to make an idol, as after worshipping the idol the people would be able to recover through repentance.
Similarly, the Midrash (Vayikra Rabbah, 10) teaches that Aharon decided to build the altar for sacrificing to the golden calf as a stalling tactic. If the people built it, the project would be completed in just an hour. Aharon therefore decided he would build it, instead, one stone after another, slowly and deliberately, in the hope that Moshe would return by the time it was complete. The Midrash then suggests a different explanation, that Aharon decided to build the altar so he would be blamed, rather than the people. To illustrate this point, the Midrash draws an analogy to a prince who tries to kill his father, the king, but the king’s loyal servant takes the knife from him and says, “Let me do it.” As he approached the king, the king knew precisely what he was doing – trying to save the prince from this heinous crime. The Midrash tells that Aharon was rewarded for his efforts by becoming kohen gadol, serving before G-d in the Mishkan, and by being given the special priestly gifts that Beneh Yisrael were required to give to the kohanim.
How do we reconcile these conflicting sources? Was Aharon correct, or wasn’t he?
A Lesson in Complexity
The Be’er Yosef explains that indeed, one act can be both right and wrong, good and bad. Although the Be’er Yosef does not specify what Aharon could had done differently in that very difficult situation, he writes that although Aharon did the right thing by making the golden calf, for the reasons discussed, it was nevertheless problematic. It resulted in widespread idol worship, and thus Aharon was punished. Surprising as it sounds, Aharon was both rewarded and punished for his role in the golden calf. This act was both right and wrong. Under the circumstances, he was correct for making an idol, but his decision was not perfect or without blemish.
We might draw a contemporary – and very relevant – analogy to a religiously observant businessman who, for the sake of his business, needs to attend a sales show in Las Vegas. Virtually every rabbi would tell him that it is acceptable for him to go, as this is necessary for his livelihood, in order to support his family. But this does not mean that this trip is not problematic. The man must be extremely careful to ensure that he does not cross any lines, that he does not allow himself any form of impropriety. Like Aharon, the businessman faces a complex situation with no easy, clear-cut solution. He needs to do the best he can under the circumstances, recognizing that the situation is, by nature, complex and imperfect.
Many situations we face in life feature this kind of complexity. We are oftentimes forced to make difficult decisions regarding which the lines between right and wrong are not so clearly drawn, such that if we make the right decision, there will be a negative outcome. Even as we do the right thing, our conduct will not be perfect. Something will not be exactly right.
Aharon’s Second Funeral
Several pesukim later (10:6), Moshe briefly recalls Aharon’s passing in a place called Moserah. The Midrash notes that as we know from elsewhere in the Humash, Aharon died not in Moserah, but in Hor Ha’har. However, Aharon is said to have died in Moserah because the people eulogized him anew in Moserah. The Midrash explains that tragedy struck Am Yisrael after Aharon’s passing, as it resulted in the loss of the supernatural, protective clouds which were provided in Aharon’s merit. The people feared attack from the nearby kingdom of Arad, and so they decided to head back to Egypt, whereupon the tribe of Levi pursued them, resulting in a deadly civil war. The people realized that all this happened in the wake of Aharon’s passing, and they now recognized that they had not sufficiently appreciated him. They therefore held a second funeral at that time, eulogizing Aharon again with their newfound appreciation of what he meant to them.
Why did the people fail to properly appreciate Aharon?
One possibility is that their insufficient respect resulted from his role in the golden calf. He was the one who made the idol, which brought devastating calamity upon the nation, and this mistake diminished from their respect for him. The people failed to realize that although Aharon erred in the incident of the golden calf, he was also heroic. His handling of the situation was not perfect, but it was courageous and noble. And he deserved respect for what he did despite the mistakes he made.
Which brings us back to our parents. We may feel, with some degree of validity, that our parents made or make serious mistakes. We might even resent some of the things they’ve said or the way they handle certain situations. But this does not in any way diminish from their stature as heroes. Yes, our parents are heroes. They’ve invested tireless efforts and made extraordinary sacrifices for us, to raise us, to help us, and to give us what we need. And so they deserve our deep respect and appreciation. We do not have to agree with everything they do or with every decision they make in order to have profound, genuine admiration and gratitude for who they are and for all they’ve done for us.
Those of us who are blessed to still have a living parent or living parents – let’s not wait until it’s too late to show them our respect and gratitude. Let’s not make the same mistake Beneh Yisrael made in failing to appreciate Aharon. Let’s think of even just one thing for which we are grateful to our parents, and then call them right now, today, to thank them. This will make their day, and probably their year, and perhaps even their lives. Let’s feel and express gratitude right here and now, rather than wait any longer.