I recently received as a present a gift card for a custom-made suit. This was a new experience for me, having never done anything quite like this before. I walked in, had every part of my body precisely measured, and was then presented with an array of different fabrics to choose from. After surveying the different options, I decided that since I hadn’t worn a gray suit in a while, I’ll select a gray fabric.
One month later, I came back to pick up the new suit. The fellow brought it out, and I took one look at it and said, “Oh no, I can’t wear that.”
It was totally not my “speed.” It was far too “cool” a shade, something I’d never worn in the past. I immediately started thinking in my mind, “What would people who know me say if they see me with that ‘cool’ suit? They might ask, ‘What’s going on with Rabbi Haber? Is he changing? What’s the deal?!’”
Should I have taken the suit without worrying about what people will say about me? Or, should I have refused out of concern for my reputation?
We will not answer this specific question, but we will instead use this story as a way of introducing a question that weighs on each and every one of our minds, and which, consciously or otherwise, plays a huge role in countless decisions that we make each day. And that is, should we care what people think? Should we do what we want to do, what seems to right to us and right for us, regardless of whether the people around us approve? Or should we take other people’s preferences and opinions into consideration when deciding what to do and how to live?
As we might expect, the answer to these questions is neither “yes” nor “no.” The answer is rather a broader mindset with which we must approach the major and minor decisions in our lives, and we would like to explain this mindset by analyzing two Mishnayot in Pirkeh Avot.
כל שרוח הבריות נוחה הימנו
In the third chapter of Pirkeh Avot (Mishnah 10), the Mishnah seems to explicitly and unequivocally answer the question we posed above:
כל שרוח הבריות נוחה הימנו, רוח המקום נוחה הימנו. וכל שאין רוח הבריות נוחה הימנו, אין רוח המקום נוחה הימנו.
Any [behavior] which people find pleasing – the Almighty finds pleasing; and any [behavior] which people do not find pleasing, the Almighty does not find pleasing.
At first glance, this Mishnah is making a dramatic statement: if people approve of what we do, then it means that G-d approves of what we do, and if people do not approve of what we do, then it means that G-d does not approve of what we do.
If so, then the answer is clear: we absolutely must take seriously what other people think about what we do. In fact, we should base all our decisions based on other people’s opinions. After all, their opinion about us shows us G-d’s opinion about us. So anytime we need to decide what to do and how to act, we should make our decision based on what the people around us will think.
Of course, we all intuitively understand that this cannot be correct. There are many celebrities out there with fanbases numbering in the tens of millions, and whose conduct is very, very far from how the Torah teaches us to act. How could it be that whatever people find pleasing is necessarily pleasing in the eyes of Hashem?
What’s more, an earlier Mishnah in Avot (2:4) seems to say precisely the opposite:
בטל רצונך מפני רצונו, כדי שיבטל רצון אחרים מפני רצונך.
Disregard your will in favor of His will, so that He will disregard other people’s will in favor of your will.
This Mishnah appears to teach us that we need simply to follow the will of Hashem, to do what He wants, and disregard what other people think. Once we submit to His will, the Mishnah says, then Hashem will see to it that we won’t have to worry about other people’s wishes. The only thing that matters is doing the right thing, and everyone else, as the expression goes, can “go jump in the lake.”
So which one is it? Does it matter what other people think, or not?
Proud to be a Jew
Every Friday night, around the Shabbat table, my wife and I like to throw out a thought-provoking question for each of the children to answer. One week, my wife posed the following the question: “What makes you most proud to be a Jew?”
My answer was, and still is, that everything about Jewish is perfect. Not just really good, but perfect. It has to be that way.
Let’s take the example of a brand new car. With time, cars are getting more computerized and digitized, and so every time somebody buys a new car, there are a whole bunch of new buttons and gadgets that he needs to learn what to do with. Some people enjoy trying them all out at random, pressing all the buttons and seeing what happens, in a “trial and error” kind of way. The more patient among us, however, do the sensible thing and pull out the manual. The manual was written by the company that made the car, so there is no better source of information about how to operate all the various gizmos in the car.
The Torah is our manual. Hashem created the world, and He gave us the Torah as the manual which tells us how to live the best life we can in this world. Just as Mercedes gives its customers a manual with the car, and following all the manual’s instructions guarantees using the car in the best way, Hashem gave us a manual to follow so we live the best way. If we strictly follow the Torah, our manual for life, then our lives are awesome.
As kids, we probably resented Shabbat at various times – usually when we received a new toy which could not be used on Shabbat. But as we grow older, we begin to appreciate the beauty of Shabbat and we can’t wait till it comes each week. Before we understand what prayer is all about, we find it boring and annoying, but once we grow older, we appreciate that there is no more perfect way to begin our day each morning than by standing before Hashem and telling Him what we love about our lives and asking for what we still need.
As we know, the Torah permits only certain kinds of animals for consumption. We now know that one of the distinguishing features of kosher animals is that the two veins that carry blood from the heart to brain cross at the neck. This means that the moment the animal’s neck is severed, it instantly dies, making halachic shehitah (slaughtering) the most painless way of killing an animal. In other animals, the two veins are separate, such that two different actions are needed to complete the slaughtering, and in the interim, the animal experiences great pain. The Torah’s laws of kashrut are designed to minimize suffering to animals, because the Torah teaches us about mercy and compassion.
I recall one Friday night when my wife was carrying a stack of bowls into the kitchen. These bowls were from our finest set of dishes. Just then my son stormed into the kitchen and knocked into my wife, sending all the bowls flying onto the floor where they were completely smashed. Several years earlier, I probably would not have reacted this way, but I reacted by keeping quiet. Reflecting on this incident, I realize that I stayed calm without getting angry because this is what the Torah teaches us to do in these situations. Without having learned the proper Torah response, I would have, in all likelihood, lost my cool, ruining the entire evening and making everybody upset. But instead, I kept quiet, and everything was fine. If we follow the Torah, we live perfectly. This is why I am proud to be a Jew.
The Way to Live With People
It follows, then, that the Torah provides us with the perfect blueprint for living peacefully and joyfully among other people.
The universe is large enough for every human being to have a planet all for himself or herself. But Hashem, in His infinite wisdom, decided to make only one planet in all of existence suitable for human habitation. He did this because He wanted people to live together, not separately. And the way we live together is by following the Torah. It is, as discussed, the manual for life, so it is also the manual for social interaction, for getting along with people.
The implications of this concept are very important and very far-reaching.
A relatively young, new businessman told me that he was once traveling to a certain place to meet a prospective customer. This was a place not known for being especially friendly to Jews, so he was reluctant to wear his kippah. In the end, he decided to keep it on.
When he arrived, the person with whom he was meeting saw the kippah on his head and complimented him.
“I’m amazed that you have the conviction and integrity to proudly carry your belief on your head. I have a lot of respect for that.” As it turned out, this fellow placed the largest order this businessman ever received.
Hashem created the world in such a way that if we act the right way, as guided by our “manual,” then we will eventually earn respect. Sure, there are times when we will be teased or made to feel uncomfortable. But just as Shabbat imposes its share of challenges but is, in the big picture, a priceless gift and blessing, similarly, the occasional sneer or discomfort pales in comparison with the general respect and admiration one earns by following the Torah’s guidelines.
If we live the way the Torah tells us to live, then we are kind, respectful, mature, responsible, courageous, honest, courteous, faithful, and hard-working. If we follow the “manual,” then we are good parents, good spouses, good neighbors, good friends and good citizens. And this will not go unnoticed. If we live this way, we will find that רוח הבריות נוחה הימנו – people will respect us for what we do.
This is how we can reconcile the two different Mishnayot. The first step is בטל רצונך מפני רצונו – to fully accept and commit ourselves to the Torah way, trusting that it has the recipe for a perfect life. And the way we know we are doing it right is if רוח הבריות נוחה הימנו – we find favor in people’s eyes, if we are generally liked and respected. This does not mean that nobody will resent or dislike us. But if in general we are treated with decency with respect, then we know we are living the right way. After all, the Torah guides us to how to live on this world with other people. And so when it works, and people admire our lifestyle, then we know we are living the right way, the way the manual teaches us to.
Our Four Struggles
After teaching us this rule of רוח הבריות נוחה הימנו, teaching us the “barometer” to determine whether we faithfully adhere to the “manual” of life, the Mishnah then concludes with a seemingly peculiar statement:
שינה של שחרית, ויין של צהרים, ושיחת הילדים, וישיבת בתי כנסיות של עמי הארץ, מוציאין את האדם מן העולם.
Sleep in the morning, wine in the afternoon, childish talk, and spending time with ignoramuses in the synagogue – remove a person from the world.
This appears to be a very random list of practices that the Mishnah wants us to avoid. What is the meaning of this teaching, and how does this relate to the first part of the Mishnah?
The answer might be that the Mishnah here is pointing out the major challenges we flawed human beings face in our quest to live the right way, to adhere to our precious “manual.”
Why do we struggle and so often fail? Why do we frequently find ourselves falling short of our expectations of ourselves?
I think we can divide our struggles into three categories: internal weaknesses, external lures, and negative peer pressure.
As human beings, we are all plagued by certain ingrained weaknesses. Many of us are, by nature, lazy, selfish, undisciplined, short-tempered, impatient, anxious, insensitive, or any combination of these and other negative characteristics. And thus the Mishnah mentions שינה של שחרית – sleeping late, comfortably staying in bed all morning rather than getting up and taking responsibility. This refers to laziness, and, more broadly, to our natural human weaknesses.
The second challenge we face is temptation. For many, it is alcohol – שינה של צהריים. For others, it’s card games. Many people can’t resist food that they should not be eating, for either halachic reasons or health reasons. It could be a mall that we pass by and cannot resist going into so we can make expensive, wasteful purchases. Virtually all of us are tempted by our phones, which we feel a compulsive need to look at countless times a day, undermining our ability to function, let alone achieve. This is the second challenge that threatens to “remove a person from the world,” to lead him off the right path of life.
Thirdly, we are challenged by ישיבת בתי כנסת של עמי הארץ – the company of “ignoramuses,” the shallow cynics who make us uncomfortable and self-conscious whenever we try being the people we truly want to be. This is the challenge of negative peer pressure, the test we face when the people around us discourage us from doing what we know we should be doing.
But the Mishnah also points to one additional challenge that holds many of us back from living the right way: שיח הילדים – childishness.
We were all children once upon a time, and as we grow older, we are expected to let go of childish behavior, interests and preoccupations. The way Hashem created the world is such that children cannot manage without being cared for by adults. In order to manage and thrive in this world independently, we need to be adult-like, which means we need to have our priorities in order and care about the important things without being distracted by vanity, as children are. And so one of the things that “remove a person from the world,” that undermine a person’s ability to live properly, is שיחת הילדים – continuing to act like a child even in adulthood.
I am often startled when I see adults acting with pettiness like an eight-year-old child. When an adult fumes over an insulting remark by a family member or friend, this is childish. When an adult on vacation gets enraged because there was a mistake with his reservation and he was given the wrong room, this is like a child having a fit because his mother bought him the wrong color toy. When an adult needs to watch the full nine innings of every important game and loudly cheers for his team, this is not appropriate. If we want to live the right way, we need to see ourselves as mature, responsible adults. We need to take ourselves seriously. We need to recognize that life is too important, and our time too valuable, for us to get sidetracked by nonsense.
These are the challenges that we must confront if we wish to live in a way that רוח הבריות נוחה הימנו and רוח המקום נוחה הימנו, that invites the affection of both people and Hashem. We need to overcome our natural lazy, selfish instincts; we need the discipline to resist lures and temptations; we need to ignore those people who discourage us from acting as we should; and we need to take ourselves seriously, and see ourselves as mature, distinguished adults, and not as small children.
Returning to our original question, then: should we care about what people think? The answer is absolutely yes, but only as the second step. Our first step should be faithfully and meticulously following the Torah, our manual for life, and once we do that, we will see everything falling in place, and, as the pasuk says in Mishleh, ומצא חן ושכל טוב בעיני אלוקים ואדם – we will find favor in the eyes of both G-d and man, amen.