Friday Chaos
Jon Gray of the Blackstone Group owns more real estate than just about anyone on Earth. This group owns property across the globe, worth billions upon billions of dollars.
Somebody I know who deals in real estate – we’ll call him Joey – once had a meeting with Mr. Gray, who is Jewish but not religiously observant. They sat down in a kosher restaurant, as per Joey’s request, and during their meeting Mr. Gray turned to Joey and derisively asked, “You still do this kosher thing? It’s so ancient and archaic. Nobody does that today.”
“Let me tell you,” Joey replied. “You’re involved in real estate all over the world, right? You deal in property in Mexico, Dubai, Japan, China, Hong Kong, New York, Los Angeles, Paris – is this correct?”
Mr. Gray confirmed that this is true.
“This means that at any time of any time, night or day, you could get a phone call about some kind of problem, correct?”
Once again, Mr. Gray answered in the affirmative.
“Well, then,” Joey continued, “you’re a slave.”
Mr. Gray was stunned. “I’m a slave?”
Joey explained, “Any minute of any day or any night, you are on call. But I am free. Every Friday afternoon, I turn off my phone for twenty-five hours. Nobody can reach me. I go to the synagogue with my friends and community, and then I come home and have a beautiful family dinner with my wife and children, when we can speak to one another, share our experiences of the week, and sing and enjoy quality time. After a good night’s sleep, I return the next morning to the synagogue where I am in the company of friends. Then I enjoy another family meal, and then in the afternoon I relax and get together with friends. For twenty-five hours each and every week, I am free. I wouldn’t give this up for anything else in the world.”
A year-and-a-half later, Joey met with Mr. Gray again. “I want to thank you,” Mr. Gray said. “Since our conversation back at the last meeting, although I am not religious, I started having Friday night dinner. It has completely changed my life and my family.”
In our Friday night prayers, we describe Shabbat as מקור הברכה – “the source of blessing.” Shabbat brings us great berachah. But how do we obtain this blessing? What is the secret to accessing the special berachah of Shabbat?
לא תבערו אש
The answer is found in the beginning of Parashat Vayakhel, where we read that Moshe Rabbenu assembled the entire Jewish Nation and conveyed to them Hashem’s command about Shabbat. Curiously, he specifies only one of the thirty-nine prohibitions of Shabbat: לא תבערו אש בכל מושבותיכם ביום השבת – “Do not kindle fire in any of your residences on the day of Shabbat (Shemot 35:3). Why is this prohibition – kindling a flame on Shabbat – the only one explicitly mentioned?
The Zohar explains that this pasuk refers to the “fire” of anger. The way we protect Shabbat, the Zohar writes, is by protecting ourselves from anger, depression, anxiety and frustration.
Each week, on Shabbat, G-d “closes” Gehinam. Even the worst sinners are given a respite on Shabbat. The fires of Gehinam are cooled, and the wicked are granted a full day without suffering. The Reshit Hochmah comments that this is why anger is so destructive on Shabbat. When a person becomes angry on Shabbat, Hashem tells him, “I extinguished the fires of Gehinam, and you’re now rekindling them? I suspend all anger today, even for the worst sinners. Why can’t you also suspend your anger?”
This is the meaning of לא תבערו אש בכל מושבותיכם ביום השבת. The way we access the blessings of Shabbat is through the calm, peaceful atmosphere we create, and this requires avoiding all anger and frustration, and ensuring not to “kindle” the “fire” of tension and strife. Just as G-d extinguishes the fires of Gehinam and suspends all anger on Shabbat, we, too, must commit ourselves each week to keep our tempers calm and avoid anger on this day.
The Friday Afternoon Challenge
The key to avoiding anger on Shabbat is avoiding anger in the hours before Shabbat – during the hectic period of Friday afternoon.
Undoubtedly, Friday afternoon is the most stressful time in the Jewish home. The Gemara in Masechet Gittin tells that there were two people in Rabbi Meir’s neighborhood who would fight every Friday afternoon. According to one commentator, these people were a husband and wife. Rabbi Meir heard about the problem, and he went there every Friday to maintain peace. After several weeks, the couple was able to maintain peace on their own. As Rabbi Meir left, he heard the Satan wailing in astonishment that it had been permanently driven from the home. The Satan is accustomed to having free reign on Friday afternoon to sow strife and conflict among families. On Friday afternoon, the husband and wife are tired, the children are all home, there’s a lot to do by a non-negotiable deadline, and something always goes wrong. It’s the perfect recipe for anger and frustration.
But this is precisely what makes Friday afternoon such a perfect opportunity for berachah. If we can keep calm and composed during those stressful hours, we will bring peace and blessing into our homes throughout Shabbat.
A couple of months ago, I personally experienced the ultimate “Friday chaos” moment. Just before Shabbat, I realized that my driveway was blocked – by my daughter’s car. The only one who knew where the keys were was her husband, who had already left for shul. I needed to get to shul a mile away, where I was scheduled to speak. I could not get there in time by walking. We all frantically searched for the keys, in vain.
All of a sudden, around eight minutes before Shabbat, a thought entered my mind, which made me relax. I thought to myself: “In just eight minutes, when Shabbat begins, there will be nothing more for me to do. Whether I make it to shul or not, no matter what happens, it will be Shabbat.” I suddenly felt calm and at ease. And thirty seconds later, I found the keys, and I made it to shul just in time to give my speech.
The chaos of Friday afternoon is a precious opportunity. If we remain calm during the pre-Shabbat storm, we usher in great blessing. The key to accessing the berachah of Shabbat is avoiding anger on Shabbat, and the key to avoiding anger on Shabbat is avoiding anger before Shabbat.
The Definition of Trust
The secret to staying clam during the Friday chaos lies in the example set for us by the Almighty Himself, who extinguishes the fire of Gehinam on Shabbat.
As Shabbat begins, G-d suspends His anger even towards lifelong sinners. No matter how corrupt and evil a person was during his life, Hashem does not punish him on Shabbat. Certainly, then, we should not get angry at our spouse for burning the food, or for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. If G-d restrains His anger towards the worst villains in history, we can restrain our anger when a child misbehaves or if our wife forgets to do something before Shabbat. There are many mistakes that people can and do make on Friday afternoon. We have a great opportunity to bring berachah by restraining our anger and remaining calm and peaceful.
People often speak of trust as the most important ingredient of a happy marriage. However, many of us mistakenly think that “trust” refers to honesty, knowing that our spouse will never hide anything or lie to us. But as important as that is, this is not what trust means. Trust is the confidence that no matter what we do wrong, our spouse will still love us with all his or her heart, and vice-versa. Friday is the time perfectly-suited to reaffirm that trust, by accepting the mistakes and mishaps that are bound to happen.
The Gemara famously teaches that when a man returns home on Friday night, he is escorted by two angels, and as he enters the home, the angels “inspect” it to see that the beds are made, the table is set, and the candles are lit. If the house is properly prepared, then the angels bless the home that it should be that way the following week, too. We must not misunderstand this Talmudic teaching to mean that when Shabbat begins, everything needs to be perfect or else we lose our berachah. This is not correct at all. The main thing the angels want to see is whether our homes are peaceful. The key to berachah on Shabbat is an aura of peace and serenity. If the house is not in perfect order, if not all the food was made in time, or if there were other mishaps – we can still enjoy the blessings of Shabbat. The most important thing is to remain calm and peaceful, even when things are chaotic.
In the beginning of Parashat Vayakhel, when Moshe wished to tell the people about Shabbat, he gathered them together and instructed, אלה הדברים אשר צוה ה' לעשות אותם – “These are the things that Hashem commanded you to do.” The way we achieve berachah on Shabbat is by doing what Beneh Yisrael did at that time – by assembling together in peace and unity. If we can maintain peace even amid the chaos, and avoid igniting the flames of anger, then we will receive all the wondrous blessings of Shabbat and its impact will remain with us throughout the week and throughout our lives.