I was startled one night at the dinner table, when I turned to my two-year-old and said, “Moshe, please come here.”
Little Moshe looked at me straight in the eye and said, “No.”
“My goodness,” I said to myself. “He’s starting already? At two years old?!”
This is a problem which I’ve spoken about with hundreds upon hundreds of parents in recent years. We 21st-century parents are totally at a loss, having no idea how to handle our children’s defiance. When we were growing up, we responded to our parents’ instructions in one of two ways: obeying, or obeying while complaining. We did not entertain the option of just saying “no,” or by spewing the kind of vitriol that kids allow themselves today. This was all but unheard of back in our day. But now, they challenge everything, whether it’s bedtime, curfew, homework – everything.
Nobody warned us about how difficult childrearing is. Part of the reason is that nobody foresaw the lack of respect for authority that prevails in our day and age. But whatever the reason is, this is a problem which virtually all parents today deal with.
Spanking went out of style several decades ago, and so what we are left with are two different common approaches to the problem:
Some parents opt for the “tough” approach, thinking to themselves, “I’m going to show them who’s in charge!” And so they yell, scream, threaten, blackmail and pressure in an attempt to assert their authority. More often than not, all this does is trigger shouting matches that get progressively worse with each passing moment.
· The other common approach is to say, “I learned that parents need to show their children love, so I’m going to them love.” Intent on showing love, these parents don’t put their foot down, and instead they ask, they beg, and they don’t demand.
In many homes, the mother chooses one approach and the father chooses the other, causing friction between then and confusion for the children.
Let us try to gain some perspective on this vitally important, and ever so difficult, subject by examining the Torah’s command of כבד את אביך ואת אמך (“Honor your father and your mother”), the fifth of the עשרת הדברות (Ten Commandments) which were given to Beneh Yisrael at Mount Sinai, as we read in Parashat Yitro.
Respecting Parents, Respecting G-d
The most striking aspect of this command, perhaps, is its placement within the Ten Commandments.
It is well-known that the עשרת הדברות were engraved on two stone tablets – five on each tablet. The first five commandments, which were engraved on the right tablet, consist of our basic obligations towards G-d – to recognize His authority, not to worship other deities, and to observe Shabbat to acknowledge that He created the world. The last five, engraved on the second tablet, involve our basic responsibilities to our fellow, forbidding murder, theft, adultery, dishonesty and jealousy.
Intuitively, we would have placed the command of כבד את אביך ואת אמך on the second tablet, along with the interpersonal commands. After all, this command deals with our relationship to our parents, not our obligations to G-d. And yet, to our surprise, the command to respect parents, the fifth of the Ten Commandments, is engraved on the first tablet, along with the command to worship only G-d and to observe Shabbat. Why?
The answer is that respecting parents is akin to respecting G-d. Our parents and G-d are the three partners in our creation. Just as we are to appreciate and respect G-d as our Creator and the One who sustains and cares for us, so are we to appreciate and respect our parents as our creators and the ones who care for us. This is why the two commands regarding our relationship to our parents – the command to respect our parents, and the command to fear from our parents (איש אמו ואביו תיראו) – have parallels in our relationship with G-d: כבד את ה', את ה' אלוקיך תירא. Respecting parents and respecting Hashem are one and the same; they both relate to the fundamental obligation to be aware of our origins and feel a sense of gratitude and indebtedness.
Developing this point further, it is only by respecting parents that one develops the mindset he needs to respect G-d. If a person cannot appreciate what his parents have done for him, and how much he is indebted to them, he will never arrive at an appreciation of what Hashem is and how much he owes to Him. This is why honoring parents is included in the first set of commandments, the set that deals with our obligations to Hashem, and this is why parents do not have the luxury of foregoing on their honor. As difficult as it is in our day and age, parents absolutely must demand respect from their children. This is not personal; it is not about the parents’ rights and their receiving the gratitude they deserve. If this were what honoring parents is about, then this command would have appeared on the left tablet. It appears on the first tablet because honoring parents is a critical element of honoring G-d. People need to respect their parents so that they learn to recognize Hashem and learn to respect and obey Him.
Lessons From a Snow Day
A real-life experience from my own family illustrates this point quite clearly.
One day we enjoyed a snow day – a dream come true not only for kids, but for us teachers, as well. We had a wonderful day off, drinking hot cocoa and spending quality time together. In the evening, I came downstairs from my study and turned to my sons – who were at the time aged 10 and 12 – and said, “Let’s go, we need to shovel the snow so I can pull the car out.”
The boys were sitting on the couch, and they responded by…surprise, surprise…rolling their eyes in disgust.
I then heard things like, “Come’on, Dad.” “It’s late.” “There’s so much snow.” “I already shoveled some before.” “I’m too tired.” “I don’t want to.”
My instinct was to say something to the effect of, “I don’t care. I’m your father, and I’m telling you that this is your job.” But instead, I adopted a different approach.
"What if Mommy doesn’t make Friday night dinner?” I asked. The boys gave me a startled look.
“This is not a punishment,” I explained. “We all live in this house together, and so we all have to contribute to the house. Mommy contributes some fourteen hours a day – making sure we all have food, clothing, and everything else we need. I also contribute about that many hours each day. Everything I do is for the family. We give you clothes, heat, electricity, water and food, and we’re very happy to do it. Your sister helps clean up and get the younger kids into bed. Everyone contributes something. I’m asking you to contribute one hour for every fourteen hours that I contribute – that’s all.”
My boys got the message. They shoveled, and it was probably the best shoveling job I ever saw.
Not always is it going to be this easy, but this little story demonstrates why it’s so important for children to have respect for parents. It’s about recognizing their place in the world and their responsibility to the world. If they respect their parents’ authority and realize their obligations to them, they will respect Hashem’s authority and realize their obligations to Him.
This message is powerfully conveyed in a fascinating passage in the Gemara, in Masechet Berachot. The Gemara comments that a “good guest” looks at everything on the host’s table and thinks, “Everything the host did – he did it only for me.” A good guest sees the dishes, the cutlery, the glasses, the tablecloth, the napkins, the serving platters, and all the food, and is overcome by gratitude, feeling as though this was all done for him. A “bad guest,” the Gemara says, looks at all this and thinks, “What did the host do for me? All this was prepared anyway for him and his family. I’m just one extra person. What’s the big deal?”
The Gemara here teaches us a critical lesson that is relevant not only for guests in somebody’s home, but for all of us, who are Hashem’s guests in this world, instructing us how to perceive our place in the universe. We must never think, “There are billions of people on this planet, and I’m just one of them. I don’t need to do anything.” We are to be “good guests,” looking at the spectacular world we live in, at everything Hashem has done and continues to do for us, and think, “Wow, He did all this for me!” When we perceive the world this way, we feel indebted, and we feel a sense of responsibility.
This is precisely what כבוד אב ואם is about – ensuring a sense of appreciation and indebtedness, which in turn leads to a sense of responsibility and obligation.
This is why the command of honoring parents appears immediately following the command to observe Shabbat. The mitzvah of Shabbat is about recognizing where this world comes from, that it did not just happen by itself, that everything we see, everything we have and everything we enjoy all comes from Hashem. This realization brings us a sense of responsibility – and this is what the mitzvah of respecting parents is all about. It’s about appreciating what has been done for us and recognizing our debt, our obligations. Children need to learn to appreciate and respect their parents so they can grow up to appreciate and respect Hashem, and thus understand their place and their responsibilities in the world.
אנשי חיל-Style Parenting
The mistake that many parents make, however, is thinking that this lesson needs to be shoved down children’s throats. Parents might hear about the importance of כבוד אב ואם and then say, “Ok, I am going to go home right now and make sure my children learn this lesson very clearly!” Invariably, this leads to conflict, tension and aggravation. As mentioned, most parents either enter into never-ending shouting matches with their children, or just give up – neither of which is an acceptable approach.
How, then, are we supposed to get our kids to listen?
Parashat Yitro tells of Yitro’s suggestion to Moshe Rabbenu that he delegate, assigning people to assist him with his leadership duties. Yitro pointed to several qualities that Moshe should look for in choosing leaders: אנשי חיל יראי אלוקים אנשי אמת שונאי בצע – “men of achievement, G-d-fearing people, men of truth, who despise money.” Several pesukim later, we read that Moshe appointed אנשי חיל. He didn’t find people with all the qualifications enumerated by his father-in-law, so he appointed people who had only the quality of אנשי חיל.
What exactly are אנשי חיל, and why was this the one trait which Moshe insisted upon in choosing leaders?
The Seforno explains that אנשי חיל are people who are wise enough to get to the bottom of an issue, to really understand what is going on. These are the people who don’t look at people or situations superficially, but rather get to the heart of the matter, who see through the exterior and see the issue at its depth.
Nobody trained us to be parents. Nobody prepared us for this difficult job. And none of us have all the knowledge and all the qualifications needed to be the perfect parent. But there is one quality that we all need to do the job of parenting: the quality of אנשי חיל, of being attuned, engaged, focused and attentive; being willing to learn, to understand what’s bothering our children and why they act as they do.
If we do that, then we can set the boundaries that we need to set while still showing them love, sensitivity and concern.
Let us take the common example of a child doing homework who at one point throws down the pencil and shouts, “I can’t do this.”
The “non-אנשי חיל” reaction, the impulsive response that most parents have in this situation, is either to say, “What do you mean, it’s so easy!” or to rush to sit down next to the child and help him. But both responses miss the mark. If the parent turns to a kid who is losing patience with his homework and tells him that it’s easy, the kid will think in his mind, “You don’t understand me,” or “You don’t care about me.” Dismissing the kid’s frustration as illegitimate means that the parent is not sufficiently engaged or attuned to the child’s feelings and difficulties. On the other hand, rushing to help the child breeds dependence, sending the message that whenever he encounters something difficult, somebody will come to make it easier for him. A child who learns this will never develop the vital life skills of resilience and self-sufficiency.
An effective alternative to these two impulsive reactions is to get to the heart of the matter, to understand what’s really going on. The kid is having a hard time sitting and focusing, as many kids naturally do, and is therefore starting to lose confidence in his ability to complete the assignment. Once the parent realizes this, he can help by saying something to the effect of, “Aren’t you glad that I don’t believe that you can’t do it, that I believe in you?” With love and assurance, the parent boosts the child’s confidence. The parent neither dismisses the child’s difficulty nor makes him feel helplessly dependent. Instead, he conveys a message of confidence and trust.
“Stop Lying, Mom!”
Another scenario where the quality of אנשי חיל needs to be applied in parenting is a story which I happened to read in a parenting book, but it’s one that I am sure has happened countless times in one form or another.
A kid lost a poorly-played Little League game, and felt very depressed. His mother lovingly wrapped her arm around the child and said, “It’s ok, honey, you played well.”
The child looked angrily at his mother and said, “Stop lying, Mom. I struck out three times. Our team lost. I played horribly. Don’t tell me I played well. You’re lying.”
The author of the book who told the story emphatically sided with the child. The mother was acting impulsively, trying to comfort the child, without using her intelligence to understand what the child was going through and what he needed. What the child needed was empathy and encouragement. What the mother should say in that situation is, “I feel very bad that today didn’t work out. It must be a terrible feeling. The good news is that you have another game coming up. Maybe you can practice before then and you’ll have a better game.” This way, like in the case of the homework, the mother shows love and empathy, and urges the child to take responsibility to help himself going forward.
Once in school a kid came over to me desperate for my help. “I already failed two road tests,” he said. “I have another one today. Can you give me a berachah that I pass?”
I refused to give him a berachah. Instead, I said, “I’m sure if you practice more and try harder you’ll pass.” Hashem does not run the world through magic. He wants us to take ownership over our lives, to take personal responsibility, and this is what we need to teach our children. We should neither deny their struggles, nor absolve them of confronting them. Instead, we need to empower them with the confidence they need to work to overcome them, to take responsibility instead of giving up or relying on somebody else to bear the burden for them.
A more delicate example is when parents discover that their child is being bullied in school. Parents are naturally inclined to protect their children, and thus their immediate reaction is to start making phone calls – to the teacher, the principal, the bullies’ parents, and other relevant parties, in order to end the bullying. But let’s face it – bullying does not only happen in 5th grade. All people experience “bullying” in some form at various times. It’s not just in school – there’s bullying in chat groups, among friends, within the family, at the office, and everywhere else, at all stages of life. At a certain point, children need to learn to take responsibility, and realize that they won’t always have their parents to come to their defense. And so an appropriate response would be, “What do you think you might want to do about it?” Alongside the phone calls that the parents should certainly make, they should also include the child in the response, empowering him with trust, with the belief that he is capable of handling the situation. This way, they show love and sensitivity, while at the same time training the child to assume responsibility.
This is the dual obligation of parents – showing unconditional love, but also having their children take control over their lives, making them understand that there are boundaries they need to accept and responsibilities they need to fulfill.
Sequel to the Snow Day
This brings us to a sequel to the story I told earlier of the snow day, that successful parenting moment when my boys agreed to shovel the driveway, and shoveled to perfection.
That Friday night, my married daughter joined us for Shabbat dinner. While she was with us, I told her about what I told the boys and how I succeeded in motivating them to shovel the snow.
My daughter insightfully noted that this is how it is with Hashem, too. He does so much for us, and gives us so much, and He expects us to contribute our small share. He built the world and has governed it ever since – and He wants us to make our contribution, just as parents build and run their family, and expect their children to pitch in, to take a level of responsibility.
“Bingo!” I said. “This is exactly what כבוד אב ואם is – understanding your responsibility to your family, and through that sense of responsibility, arriving at a sense of responsibility to Hashem and to the world.”
With patience, wisdom and fortitude, let us try to create an aura of respect and responsibility in our homes – as this is the key to building within our children respect for and responsibility toward Hashem. If we are capable of doing this, then we are truly great parents.