Many people, even if they enjoyed a wonderful Yom Tov, come out of the experience a bit “bruised.” Spending so many large meals together with so many family members, it is all but inevitable that we get a little hurt at some point.
Many of us sometimes find ourselves leaving a holiday meal saying to ourselves things like:
I can’t believe she said that!
I can’t believe they let their kids act that way!
I can’t believe she dressed that way!
This is how you treat your sibling?
After all my hard work – this is how they show their thanks?!
Why did he get so upset? What’s the big deal?
During this time of year, between Pesach and Shavuot, as we prepare to once again accept upon ourselves the Torah, it is customary to learn Pirkeh Avot, the beautiful and profound ethical teachings of our Sages. Let us examine one particularly meaningful, and well known, passage in Pirkeh Avot and see how we can apply it to help us cure the “bruises” that may have been inflicted over the course of the recent holiday.
Students of Aharon
In the first chapter of Pirkeh Avot, we read the following teaching of the great sage Hillel:
הוי מתלמידיו של אהרון: אוהב שלום ורודף שלום, אוהב את הבריות ומקרבן לתורה.
Be among the students of Aharon – one who loves peace, pursues peace, loves people, and draws them close to Torah.
We might wonder, why does the Mishna refer to Aharon as just “Aharon”? Normally, when our Sages mention Aharon, they call him “Aharon Ha’kohen.” Just as Avraham is always called “Avraham Avinu,” Yosef is always called “Yosef Ha’tzadik,” and Moshe is always called “Moshe Rabbenu.” Why is Aharon’s title left out in this Mishna?
Secondly, how are we to understand the difference between the qualities of אוהב שלום and רודף שלום – “loving peace” and “pursuing peace”? Are these not the same thing?
Finally, why does the Mishnah tell us to learn from Aharon? Why doesn’t it simply say that we should love and pursue peace? What was so special about Aharon’s love and pursuit of peace?
Peace and Faith
All the great Torah personalities are associated with a certain trait in which they excelled. Avraham is associated with hesed. Yitzhak is associated with gevurah (strength). Yaakov is associated with emet (truth). Moshe is associated with leadership.
Aharon is known for two things – for resolving conflicts between people who were fighting, and for faith.
His unparalleled faith was expressed after he suffered the tragic loss of his two sons, Nadav and Avihu. This tragedy happened on what was to have been the happiest day of Aharon’s life – the day he and his sons began serving as the kohanim.
After several months were spent building the Mishkan, and then seven days of preparation, the day had finally arrived when Aharon would become kohen gadol, and his sons would become the kohanim. This was Aharon’s most joyous moment – but in an instant, it turned into his most unfathomably painful moment. His two sons brought an offering they were not supposed to bring, and were immediately consumed by fire.
Aharon’s reaction to this calamity is described by two of the most powerful words in the entire Torah: וידום אהרון – “Aharon was silent.”
As the Midrash explains, Aharon had what to say. He could have questioned why Hashem had to do this specifically on that day, the most joyous and festive occasion. He could have questioned why his righteous sons were punished so severely for their mistake. But Aharon kept quiet. He had perfect faith. He did not ask questions. He accepted Hashem’s decree. He fully trusted that Hashem knew exactly what He was doing.
וידום אהרון.
And Aharon’s faith is directly linked to his quality of peace.
Because nothing brings us peace more than faith.
If we have faith, believing that Hashem controls this world and places us in the precise situation we need to be in at every moment, then we are able to remain calm and peaceful even in painful moments.
If a family member or relative is being difficult, a showoff, critical, judgmental, or just plain annoying, we can and should find comfort in the knowledge that Hashem wants us to be in this situation – for our benefit! He wants us to grow from the experience. He wants us to gain strength. Or perhaps there’s a kernel of truth to the snide comment that we are to take to heart. If we believe this, we can handle even the most annoying experiences. Faith is the greatest key to peace!
I recall on one occasion when a bunch of people were upset at me over a speech I gave, and they let me have it. At first this really bothered me. But then I sat back and told myself, “Hashem sent these people to me!!!!” He wanted me to hear their criticism. He wanted me to grow from the experience. He wanted me to hear what they had to say, regardless of whether they were right or wrong. Either way, I could only gain by listening and thinking about their unpleasant comments.
Nothing could have brought me greater peace than believing that this was brought about by Hashem in order to help me get better.
Hashem sometimes puts us around people whom we find annoying. It could be a sibling or sibling-in-law, a parent or parent-in-law, an uncle, aunt, niece or nephew, or anyone else. Whoever it is, that person is there to help us be better people. Understanding this is vital to living with peace.
הוי מתלמידיו של אהרון הכהן. We need to learn from Aharon’s special faith – because this is the secret to living in peace with the people around us who know how to get under our skin.
Understanding Insecurity
But there is also something else we learn from Aharon.
Over the years, I have dealt with countless families embroiled in conflict, and helped countless individuals dealing with unpleasant relationships with family members. Sometimes the problem is religion – family members resenting the higher or lower religious level of other members. Sometimes the problem is money. Sometimes the problem is the way the kids act with each other. And sometimes it’s one of a zillion other things.
Far more often than not, however, the source of the problem is something else entirely: insecurity.
When 30 people get together for a Shabbat or Yom Tov meal, they all show up with their credentials. They come with their spouses and children, and they talk about their work, their businesses, their community involvement, their shopping, their trips, their home renovations, and everything else they’re doing. And it’s only natural for people to feel insecure – insecure about their marriages, about their children, about their income, about their cars, about their social standing, about their reputation. It’s perfectly normal.
I know all about it.
I still remember the first time I sat at a large meal with my wife’s very large extended family after we got married. I was a young, shy kollel student who mumbled. I was sitting there with my wife’s wonderful uncles, who were all accomplished businessmen, whereas I was learning Masechet Bava Kama in kollel. One by one, they asked me that question that I hated more than anything: “So what do you do?”
Let me be clear: they were all, without exception, really nice. Nobody meant any harm. Nobody was trying to make me feel bad. But each time I heard that question, I felt like I was looking at a dragon spewing fire at me from its mouth.
And when I gave my response – “I’m learning in kollel” – they each said “Oh, how nice.”
I felt the scorn and ridicule in their voice. It wasn’t there, of course, except in my mind – because of my insecurity.
And then they asked me about my future plans, and how I expected to support my family. I mumbled that I really didn’t know.
It was very intimidating. Nobody did anything wrong, but I felt insecure. It was perfectly normal and natural.
Many years later, I was at my in-laws’ Yom Tov table, and one of my brothers-in-law mentioned something that I apparently used to do when I was first married and at my wife’s family’s table. When the women got up to clear the table, I asked my wife not to get up, and to stay next to me, instead.
I couldn’t believe I did that!! But several of my siblings-in-law remembered it, so I guess I did.
I was aghast. What a terrible thing to do!
I turned to my mother-in-law and asked, “You loved me then? Even though I did that?!?”
“Yes,” she assured me….
I still can’t believe it, but it actually makes sense. It was my insecurity. I felt very uncomfortable sitting alone at my wife’s family’s table without her there with me. And this insecurity led me to do something very rude.
This doesn’t only happen to newlyweds, or to young men and women just starting out. Even people in their 40s, 50s or beyond are prone to feeling insecure. And this accounts for so many of the insensitive things that people say and do.
So often, the real problem is not religion, money, marriage or kids. It’s people feeling insecure about themselves, and trying to manage these difficult feelings. Some people are insecure because they don’t have a lot of money, and some people are insecure because they have a lot of money and feel they are being selfish. Some people are insecure because one of their kids isn’t turning out the way they wanted. Some people are insecure because they’re afraid they’re not so bright. Some people are insecure because of mistakes they’ve made. Some people are insecure because of their weight. There are all kinds of reasons. But once we understand the reality of insecure feelings, the annoying comments are so much easier to handle.
Which brings us back to Aharon.
The Mishnah, as we said, refers to Aharon as just “Aharon,” omitting the usual title “Ha’kohen.” One of the commentators gives a beautiful explanation – because Aharon was able to make peace by being just Aharon.
When he worked with people, he didn’t carry his title with him. He didn’t show up with his credentials. He didn’t try to impress people. He understood that if he approached people as “Aharon Ha’kohen,” the great religious figure, people would feel insecure and intimidated. He understood that he needed to make people feel comfortable and at ease. And so he spoke to them as a normal person, without trying to show off his stature.
This is such an important insight into the proper way to deal with people.
It’s natural for people to feel insecure. Let’s not help it happen by showing off, by speaking of our accomplishments, by gloating about our kids, our jobs, our businesses, or any other achievements. In any family of social setting, we should be just “Aharon,” not “Aharon Ha’kohen.” This is another major key to peace.
Yes, They Really Love You!!!
There is one final, crucial lesson to learn from Aharon’s example.
Our Sages famously teach that when Aharon saw two people quarreling – say, two brothers – he would go over to each one individually and tell him how the other really wants to make up. He would approach the first and say, “You know, I was speaking to your brother, and he told me how badly he feels, and how he really wants to get back together, but he’s afraid you don’t want to.”
The brother would be surprised, and say, “Really? Of course I want to get back together.”
Aharon would then approach the other, and say the same thing. The two brothers would then reunite, embrace, and make peace.
This sounds strange. How could Aharon lie? What right did he have to go over to the first one and say the other really wants to make peace, without ever having spoken to the other??
The answer is that Aharon understood people. He understood that when two people are in a fight, they really love each other. He understood that both parties to a conflict love peace, though they are hesitant to pursue peace. All they need is someone to begin the “pursuit,” and it will happen.
I would venture to say that in about 90 percent of the situations of family tensions that I’ve dealt with, this was very much the case. True, there are a small number of extreme exceptions. But normally, when there are grievances and tensions, all the people involved really love and care for each other.
I know what you’re thinking.
“Really? So why did she say that?!”
“Really? So why won’t she even give me a kiss?”
“Really? So why did he make that wisecrack?”
“Really? So why didn’t he invite us, but invited everyone else?”
My response is: “Really!!!!!”
Yes, they all love you. Really.
Take it from me, and take it from Aharon. People sometimes act irrationally and don’t always think before they talk, but deep down, for the most part, they love their close friends and family. They want peace. They want to get along. They don’t want to cause pain.
Just as we need to trust in Hashem, who puts us in difficult situations, we also need to trust in people’s goodness. We shouldn’t be taking everything so personally. People have their own issues, their own insecurities that they’re working through, and it can be unpleasant. Once we realize this, we can better handle the unpleasantness and maintain the peace.
When the Rabbis are Insecure…
A remarkable story is told of Rav Isser Zalman Meltzer, one of the great Talmudic scholars of the 20th century, that demonstrates a keen understanding of human nature, and especially people’s natural feelings of insecurity.
Rav Isser Zalman had three nieces who were married to Rosheh Yeshiva. After his passing, one of these figures, Rav Chevroni, told a story to demonstrate Rav Isser Zalman’s great love for Torah. He said that one night, he heard knocking on the door in the middle of the night, at 3am. He frantically ran to the door, and saw his wife’s illustrious, elderly uncle standing there.
“What’s going on?” Rav Chevroni asked. “Is everything ok?”
Rav Isser Zalman said that he came across a difficult passage in the Rambam, and he wanted Rav Chevroni’s help.
And so the two scholars sat down, at 3am, and delved into the intricacies of the Rambam and relevant Talmudic texts. Finally, they worked together to find an answer.
“Before I leave,” Rav Isser Zalman said, “let’s write down your explanation.” They sat there, wrote everything down, and bid each other farewell.
“This was the great love Rav Isser Zalman had for Torah!” Rav Chevroni exclaimed.
When he finished telling this story, another member of the family, who lived with Rav Isser Zalman at the time this happened, spoke.
“There’s a lot more to the story,” he said.
He proceeded to explain that at that time, Rav Isser Zalman was doing the final review and editing of his monumental commentary on the Rambam’s Mishneh Torah. Late at night, he realized something. At various points in this work, he cited insights from the husbands of two of his three nieces – but he did not cite any from the third niece’s husband, Rav Chevroni. Rav Isser Zalman shuddered at the thought of the three sisters and their husbands sitting at the table after the work was published, and discovering that two of the three Rabbis are quoted, but not the third. He realized this could create great tension in the family. And so he devised a plan to get the third Rabbi’s name mentioned in the book.
Rav Isser Zalman already knew the explanation of the passage he discussed with Rav Chevroni that night. But he wanted to ensure that Rav Chevroni would not feel left out, and so he made it as though the explanation came from him.
Yes, even Rosheh Yeshiva can feel insecure. Even great, accomplished people can be made to feel uncomfortable and uneasy. And these feelings can cause some tension, even in the most beautiful families. It’s human nature.
We all want peace, but we need to pursue it – and a large part of this pursuit is recognizing the realities of human nature, to understand that people often say and do the wrong things because of the issues they are dealing with.
So…if you’re struggling with post-holiday emotional bruises, follow the example of Aharon. Believe that Hashem wants these bruises to happen for your benefit, to help you grow. And believe that those who caused the bruises really do love you. They, like the rest of us, are human, and make mistakes. It doesn’t have to be taken so personally.
If we follow Aharon’s example, we will enjoy greater peace and serenity within the family, and, perhaps even more importantly, we will enjoy greater peace and serenity within ourselves, in our own hearts and minds.