Pharaoh had Yosef brought to him from jail in order to interpret his strange dreams. Yosef told Pharaoh that his dreams foretold seven years of surplus that would then be followed by seven years of famine – and Pharaoh was dazzled. He told Yosef that nobody was brighter than him, and that he would be appointed as second-in-command over the entire country.
The Zohar explains why Pharaoh was so impressed. In telling his dreams to Yosef, Pharaoh made several slight changes in the details, and Yosef caught him. Even though Yosef had not known anything about the dreams before, he was able to correct Pharaoh when Pharaoh changed the details. This really impressed Pharaoh.
One of the changes made by Pharaoh is especially significant, and teaches us the fundamental difference between the way Pharaoh saw things and the way Yosef saw things.
The Torah tells that Pharaoh dreamt that he stood על היאור – “on the river,” implying that he saw himself standing on the water of the Nile, the body of water which the Egyptians worshipped as a god. But when Pharaoh told his dream to Yosef, he said that he was standing על שפת היאור – along the riverbank. What’s the difference?
Some people have a desperate need to feel that they stand “on the river,” that there is something, some area of their lives, that they have complete control over. They say, “I got it,” feeling fully confident and fully in control. This was Pharaoh. Yosef, on the other hand, did just the opposite. When Yosef was brought before Pharaoh and Pharaoh told him how he heard of his skill in interpreting dreams, Yosef said something extremely powerful: בלעדי – “It’s not me.” Yosef’s attitude was, “I’m not in control of anything. I don’t know anything. I’m not skilled in anything. Only Hashem really knows what He’s doing. I don’t.”
If we want to make ourselves well-liked, and we want people to feel happy and comfortable around us, then we need to live with Yosef’s בלעדי attitude. The thing people hate the most is when other people give off a vibe of “I got it,” of self-confidence and self-assurance, as though they have it all figured out. Speaking personally, I hate it when people need to remind me of how smart there are, or how wealthy they are, or how accomplished their children are. I have nothing against people who are smart, who are wealthy, or who have exceptional children, but I hate it when they throw it in my face.
If we want to be likeable, we need to be open, honest and vulnerable. People will feel comfortable around us and will be able to relate to us far more easily if we are open about our problems, our fears and our deficiencies. If we try to come across as totally confident and totally in control, we will get on people’s nerves and make them very uncomfortable around us.
I still remember the first time I told a personal story in one of my classes – something which I now do very frequently. I was amazed by the feedback. People appreciated it so much. And so I tried it again, with the same result. Some of my family members thought this wasn’t a good idea, because I was making myself look bad. But the precise opposite is true – by being open, honest and vulnerable, letting people know that I, like everybody else, have struggles, problems and fears, I made people feel more comfortable around me, and feel like they can relate to me better.
If we want to get on people’s nerves, it’s very easy – we should be like Pharaoh, and pretend to walk על היאור, as though we are in full control. And if we don’t want to get on people’s nerves, it’s also very easy – we should be like Yosef, and live with a sense of בלעדי, recognizing that only Hashem is in control, and we never are.