Family dynamics tend to be complicated. Parents, children, in-laws, siblings and siblings in-law – they so easily can get offended and annoyed by one another, resulting in hard feelings and tension. In some more extreme cases, the tensions boiled over and turn into outright acrimony to the point where family members don’t talk to one another or don’t attend each other’s semahot (celebrations). However, we will focus our attention here on the more common situations, where the relationship is not “totaled,” but there was a “fender bender,” an annoying remark, a tense exchange, or an unpleasant moment at the Shabbat table. Our objective here is to see what we can do to avoid these unpleasantries, and how we should respond when they occur.
“A Lack of Wisdom is a Deficiency in Piety”
The Torah introduces Noach in glowing terms, describing him as an איש צדיק – “righteous man” – who was תמים בדורותיו – “wholesome in his generations.”
Rashi, in a famous passage, cites a debate among the Sages as to how this description should be understood. One opinion explains that the term בדורותיו (“in his generations”) should be understood as indicating that if Noach had lived in a different time, with better people, he would have been even greater. Noach succeeded in leading a pure, righteous life despite living in a corrupt, sinful generation that had sunken to such depths that G-d determined it needed to be annihilated. Had he lived among righteous people, he would, according to this view, have achieved even more. The second view, however, explains that to the contrary, the word בדורותיו is intended to qualify the Torah’s praise of Noach. It tells us that Noach was righteous only in relation to the people of his time, and if he had lived among righteous people, he would not have been considered exceptionally pious.
The question arises, why would some Sages choose to interpret the Torah’s words as diminishing from Noach’s praise? If the word בדורותיו could be interpreted as either complimentary or derogatory, why would some Sages prefer the latter possibility, diminishing from Noach’s praise?
Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky, one of the greater leaders of Torah Jewry in the middle of the 20th century, explained (in his Emet Le’Yaakov) that these Sages reached this conclusion on the basis of the fact that Noach was unsuccessful in saving his generation. Although his piety sufficed for him to be worthy of being saved from the flood, he did not succeed in positively influencing his contemporaries and leading them to change. This failure is what led some of the Rabbis to explain this verse in a manner that is unflattering to Noach.
However, Rav Yaakov adds, this itself requires some explanation. We know from several sources that Noach made an effort to positively influence the people of his time and inspire change. Why is he blamed for these efforts’ being unsuccessful? Noach was not apathetic; he did not ignore the rampant immorality. He tried to bring about change. Why is it considered a blemish on his record that his words did not have the desired effect?
Rav Yaakov answers this question by establishing a critically important rule. He says that not knowing the right things to say is inexcusable. Every person is capable of having the intelligence needed to say the right words to people. There are certain forms of basic wisdom that we are all expected to have, and regarding which “I didn’t know” is not excuse. Rav Yaakov writes regarding Noach:
אף על פי שלכאורה אין זה פגם בצדקות אלא בחכמה, מכל מקום מוכח מזה דחסרון חכמה הוא פגם בצדקות...
Even though this is seemingly a deficiency not in piety, but rather in wisdom, nevertheless, it is proven from here that a lack of wisdom is a deficiency in piety.
“I meant well” is not a valid excuse for a foolish, insensitive remark. Noach’s failure to say the right words to influence the people of his time was a פגם בצדקות, a deficiency in his level of piety. He obviously “meant well” and was sincere in his desire to help them change. Nevertheless, he was held accountable for his failure, because when it comes to saying the right things, we need to be smart. This is something that we are all capable of, and so if we fail, we are at fault.
One of the first things we are told about Avraham Avinu is ואת נפש אשר עשו בחרן (Bereshit 12:5), that he succeeded in inspiring many people to embrace the belief in Hashem. This is not just a matter of talent or skill. It is about the fact that Avraham cared enough to know how to speak people in an effective and influential manner. This was a crucial part of Avraham’s piety – that he knew the right thing to say. Noach was righteous, but his inability to speak effectively to people diminished from his level of piety, because we are all expected to have this basic level of intelligence.
Examples of Inexcusable Foolishness
Imagine somebody enjoys a robust Yom Tov meal at his sister’s house together with other family members, including his sister-in-law, and as he leaves he effusively thanks his hostess and compliments her for the food and for the beautiful table arrangement. The next day, he is hosted by his sister-in-law, and on his way out he says simply, “Thank you.”
The sister-in-law heard the way he praised his sister for the meal she prepared, and certainly notices the difference in enthusiasm when he thanked her. Justifiably, she feels hurt and offended. “I didn’t realize” is not a valid excuse for the hurt this fellow caused his sister-in-law. We are expected to be intelligent and sensitive enough to avoid such mistakes. The fact that the man did not intent to cause any harm does not absolve him of responsibility. If he had cared enough, he would have paid more attention.
I was once talking to a woman who runs an educational program for girls, and she told me that after several years of very hard work, she now has forty girls enrolled in the program. Somebody who was standing nearby heard what she said, and, without thinking, mentioned that another woman with a similar program has an enrollment of seventy. I am fairly confident that this person did not mean to insult or offend the woman. The remark was probably made on impulse, without any thought. But this is no excuse. We are all supposed to be intelligent enough to avoid such foolishness.
One of the most common contexts in which we regularly encounter this kind of inexcusable foolishness is, unfortunately, shivah homes. I have heard of people visiting a bereaved husband at the shivah and suggesting shidduchim for him. I have heard people ask the mourner how old the deceased parent was, and when he said the parent was ninety, they said, “Oh, ok.” Is it really ok? Can we imagine a person who was close with his or her parent thinking that it’s just “ok” that the parent died, at any age? I have been to shivah homes where people sat and spoke of their vacations, their holiday meals, and the Yankees. This is inexcusable foolishness. We are supposed to be intelligent enough to know what to do at a shivah home – to be there, to listen, to allow the mourner to initiate and guide the conversation, to share memories about the deceased, and to be respectful and somber. And if we don’t know what is proper at a shivah home, then we have the responsibility to ask and inquire. There is no excuse for
being hurtful and thoughtless.
Just as common as inexcusable foolishness in a shivah home is inexcusable foolishness in the opposite context – when celebrating a happy occasion or an achievement. If a person’s daughter became engaged, he must be careful not to exult in front of somebody with an older unmarried child. A woman should not be giddily celebrating her husband’s promotion or large business deal in front of somebody who struggles financially. Somebody who became a grandfather can exude as much joy and pride as he wants around a proud grandfather of ten grandchildren, but not in front of an older single, or the parent of an older single. And this is something we are all supposed to know. If we celebrate our success in front of somebody who does not enjoy that same success, then we are being inexcusably foolish.
We Know How it Feels
When I shared this thought with my daughter, she questioned this concept of inexcusable foolishness.
“What if people just aren’t smart enough?” she asked. “Maybe some people just don’t know how to say the right thing.”
My response to this question is that everyone is capable of knowing, because we all have ourselves to learn from. We are all very familiar with the pain of being unappreciated or underappreciated. We have all had the experience of being excluded. We have all felt the sting of jealousy when seeing others celebrate successes that we have not achieved. We have all felt offended and insulted many times over the course of our lives. And so we are fully capable of knowing what hurts. Therefore, if we don’t, this can only be because we are not trying, that we don’t care enough to make an effort. And this is inexcusable.
G-d’s first command to Avraham is לך לך, that he should go forth and leave his homeland, to resettle in Eretz Yisrael. Rashi interprets the phrase לך לך to mean, “Go forth for your own benefit.” In other words, Hashem guaranteed Avraham that the journey he was to embark upon would be beneficial for him. One Rabbi explained that the experience of wandering and traveling would raise the standards of Avraham’s hospitality. Avraham was a very hospitable person, graciously and generously hosting people in need of lodging, but he could not truly empathize with the plight of wayfarers as long as he enjoyed a stable life. Hashem told him that a period of journeying would allow him to experience the fatigue, helplessness and insecurity that wanderers feel, and this would enhance his hospitable nature. He would now be fully capable of empathizing with and understanding the plight of needy wayfarers, and this would raise the bar of his hospitality even higher.
This insight was taught by a Rabbi who had spent years helping Jews who had been imprisoned by the hostile government authorities, smuggling provisions and religious objects. Finally, the government discovered what he was doing, and sentenced him to prison. This Rabbi said that Hashem had him sent to jail so that he could more fully understand the plight of prisoners, as this would enable him to help them even more – just like Avraham was told to journey and wander to enhance the level of his hospitality.
Most of us cannot, thank G-d, relate to the plight of the homeless wanderer or of the prisoner. We can, however, understand the pain of insult, of exclusion, of envy, and of struggle. Even the happiest people have aspects of their life that cause them a degree of grief and anguish. Even people with “easy” children have a hard time on occasion. Even people with money feel insecure at times about their financial standing. Nobody is fully content in life. All people have insecurities and frustrations, and we need to be sensitive and intelligent enough to avoid causing them pain.
It is inexcusably foolish to speak about our kids’ achievements in front of somebody enduring hardships raising his children. It is inexcusably foolish for a woman to show a gift she received from her husband to a friend in an unhappy marriage. It is inexcusably foolish to speak about one’s new car in front of somebody with a much more modest income. We have all experienced the sting of jealousy; we all know what it feels like, and so there is no excuse for this kind of insensitivity.
Showing Noach How It’s Done
Before the flood, G-d instructed Noach to take a male and female of every species of animal, except kosher animals, of whom he was to take seven males and seven females. In issuing this command, G-d used the term טהורה (“pure”) in reference to the pure animals, and the phrase אשר איננה טהורה (“which is not pure”) in reference to the non-kosher animals. The Gemara in Masechet Pesahim notes that G-d did not wish to use the word טמאה (“pure”), because this word is not as “clean” and refined as איננה טהורה (“not pure”).
The question is obvious: why suddenly now is טמאה a “dirty” word? This word appears numerous times in the Torah. Why specifically here is it deemed inappropriate?
The answer, perhaps, is that Hashem was responding to Noach’s failure. He was teaching him that sometimes we need to finesse, to speak indirectly, to avoid certain terms that might come across as uncouth or unrefined. A mode of speech which is acceptable is some contexts and when speaking with certain people is inappropriate in other contexts and when speaking with other people. We need to choose our words carefully in accordance with the situation and circumstance. Around some people, we can exuberantly announce the birth of a grandchild and share all the festive details. Around other people, we need to just briefly share the news and then move on. Sure, this is a lot for the brain to handle, but our brains are well-equipped to handle this. This is a basic responsibility that we have, a level of wisdom that each and every one of us is expected to achieve.
Once I delivered a lecture in a certain synagogue, and at one point of my presentation I tangentially told the humorous story of how I got rid of a mouse that was in my basement. Another Rabbi spoke after me about the topic of compassion, and he related the story told in the Gemara of Rabbi Yehuda Ha’nasi, who saw his housekeeper trying to get rid of small animals which she found in the home. Rabbi Yehuda told the housekeeper that Hashem has compassion for all living creatures, and so she should leave those creatures alone. Usually, people who teach that story tell that these were mice. However, this Rabbi made no mention of mice. I did not speak to him about it, but I can only presume that he specifically avoided mentioning mice because this would have made me look terrible.
One does not have to be an exceptionally wise Rabbi to do this. It is something that is expected of all of us – to avoid so-called “innocent” mistakes that could embarrass or offend people.
In the context of its discussion about the word טמאה, the Gemara in Pesahim cites the verse in the Book of Iyov (15:5), ותבחר לשון ערומים – “you shall choose intelligent speech.” Iyov suffered more physical pain and personal tragedy than anybody, and yet he was told to “choose intelligent speech,” to exercise care and sensibility when speaking. “I’m having a bad day” is no excuse for insensitive speech. Even Iyov was expected to speak intelligently. This is a basic, elementary obligation that each and every one of us bears.
An inspiring example of לשון ערומים, of intelligently foreseeing the emotional impact of words and actions, is a story told of the Ponivezher Rav, Rav Yosef Shlomo Kahaneman. Rav Kahaneman lost his entire family in the Holocaust, with the exception of one son, and that one son had a baby boy – Rav Kahaneman’s first grandchild – when Rav Kahaneman was abroad raising money for his yeshiva. When the Rabbi heard of the birth of his grandchild, he immediately purchased a return ticket for a flight back to Israel, but the only flight available would get him to Israel the day after the berit. He had for years longed for the privilege to serve as sandak, to hold a grandson during his berit, but he was unable to have this privilege, and the honor of serving as sandak was given to the Hazon Ish.
After the berit, the Hazon Ish told the mother – Rav Kahaneman’s daughter-in-law – to return to the hospital with the baby. He explained that her father-in-law had for years anticipated the excitement of rushing to the hospital to meet a newborn grandchild. The experience would not feel complete unless he met the infant in the hospital. The Hazon Ish was wise enough to understand people’s emotions and feelings, and he taught us about the need to strategize, to speak and act with a keen sensitivity to people’s emotional responses. What makes this story particularly remarkable is the fact that the Hazon Ish himself never had children. He was never able to experience the joy of going to the hospital to welcome a new grandchild. Nevertheless, he keenly understood this emotion, and the need to be sensitive to a new grandfather’s feelings.
ותבחר לשון ערומים – we need to speak and act with wisdom and intelligence, carefully anticipating how our words and actions impact the people around us.
The Extended Reach of Our Words
The first letters of the word מבול (“flood”) are also the first letters of the pasuk in Mishleh (18:21), מות וחיים ביד לשון – “Death and life are in the hands of the tongue.” The flood not only destroyed the earth, but also conveyed the message that it is the tongue, the way we speak, which has the greatest power to build or destroy. The way we speak can build people and our relationships with them, or, Heaven forbid, destroy them.
Moreover, the word תיבה (“ark”) can also mean “word.” The experience in the ark would teach Noach about the proper use of words. He would have to sensitively and attentively care for each species of animal, thinking very carefully what each animal needed and how to provide its needs. This would teach him about care and sensitivity in human relationships, as well, about the need to consider the potential impact of everything we say, about each and every תיבה that leaves our mouth.
This point is also expressed very powerfully by the dimensions of the ark, which was 30 amot (cubits) wide, 300 amot long, and 50 amot high. The letters that represent these numbers are ל,ש,ן, the letters that spell the Hebrew word for “tongue” or “speech.” These dimensions teach us of the need to recognize the “length,” “width” and “depth” of our words. The things we say extend very far, penetrate deep into the minds and hearts of those who hear them, and produce a wide ripple effect all around us.
One of the great modern-day challenges that we face is to be mindful of the impact and repercussions of the words we “innocently” type in chat groups or on social media. Before posting a picture, video or comment in any kind of forum, we need to exercise extreme caution and consider all the different people who will be seeing what we post. And if we find it too difficult to take all this into consideration, then, quite simply, we have no right to post. Our ability to use words, be it spoken or written, hinges on our ability to use common sense and to patiently consider ahead of time whether our words might offend or hurt anybody.
To give one simple example, there was once a group of cousins that went together to “Escape the Room” for a Hol Ha’mo’ed trip. For technical reasons, there was one cousin that was not included. The group “escaped” from the room in time, and received special signs and were very excited. They took a group photo, which they then posted on the family chat group. The cousin who was not included saw the post and broke down in tears.
It is not acceptable to say that this was an innocent mistake. We cannot post anything before we carefully consider how far the words or picture will reach, how deeply it will affect all the people who see it, and what the repercussions will be.
The Right Way to Respond
As important as it is to avoid speaking unintelligently, in a manner which offends or creates tension, it is equally critical to know how to respond when somebody around does speak insensitively, and we feel hurt.
My simple advice is to remain calm and composed, and not allow the offensive comment or insensitive post on a chat list to disturb us.
In a strange way, even good, decent people tend to receive some degree of satisfaction when they see someone react angrily to being insulted. They see it as an “achievement” to rattle somebody. The best thing we can do, then, is not to give people that satisfaction. More often than not, if we remain calm and silent in the face of a hurtful comment, we will earn respect and admiration. We will come across as confident, secure and self-assured, as feeling comfortable enough with who we are that insulting comments have no effect on us.
I was once at a Yom Tov meal in which I brought up a certain topic for conversation. After the conversation ensued for a short while, somebody cynically remarked, “Gosh, who brought up this topic, anyway?” I found this remark very offensive, and I felt the need to respond. Surely, the person knew that I was sitting right there and would hear him insult me. But instead of responding, I simply stood up and went to the next room. After a few minutes, I no longer felt disturbed, and so I returned to the table.
This is the best response – not to allow our emotions to overtake us. Even if we feel hurt, we are best advised not to show any pain. Staying calm and collected will earn us the person’s admiration, which will, in turn, make it less likely that he will something insulting in the future.
Before the flood, G-d commanded Noach to bring into the ark a צהר – a source of light. The letters of this word also spell the word צרה – distress. The right word spoken the right way can brighten people’s lives, whereas the wrong word spoken the wrong way can bring great anguish and distress. Whether it’s the way we speak or the way we respond to how others speak, we need to ensure to have the right “spelling” – to speak in a manner of צהר, in a manner that brings joy and light to the people around us. There is no excuse for צרה, for speaking inconsiderately. Let us make every effort to always speak in a cheerful, positive tone, with care, discretion and concern, and work together to make the world a much brighter place for us all.