After spending twelve years in a dungeon, Yosef was brought before Pharaoh so he could interpret the king’s dreams. Pharaoh told Yosef, “I heard about you that you can hear a dream and interpret it,” to which Yosef replied, בלעדי – “It’s not me.” He explained that it is Hashem who helps him interpret dreams.
This word, בלעדי, I believe, expresses one of the most important – but also one of the most difficult – lessons that we need to learn and live by. And that is – it’s not about us; it’s about Hashem.
The greatest challenge for a leader is to recognize that his position is not about him, but about the people he leads. It’s not about his prestige, his honor, his grandeur, his feeling of importance – but about what his decisions and his actions do for the benefit of the people under his charge. Yosef was destined for leadership already at a young age, but it was only once he learned this lesson of בלעדי that he was ready to assume a leadership role. By enduring all the humiliation and suffering that he experienced – being sold as a slave, and then being falsely accused of a crime and imprisoned – he reached this realization of בלעדי. He reached the realization that life is about doing what Hashem wants us to do in the position He places us in, whether it’s as a lowly slave, as a prisoner, or as second-in-command in the wealthiest and most powerful empire on earth. It’s not about our ego, our power, our honor, or our prominent stature. בלעדי.
By living with this mindset, we can avoid so much unnecessary aggravation. We won’t be bothered by an offensive remark. We won’t be bothered by an invitation we did not receive. We won’t be bothered by our married child’s going to his or her in-laws’ house more than to our house. We won’t be bothered by having less money than the people around us. We won’t be bothered by losing business or a salary cut. We will understand that none of this matters. We will understand that life is not about having everything we want, but about doing what Hashem expects of us right now, regardless of whether or not things are the way we want them to be. בלעדי.
This lesson is one of the keys to a happy marriage. A marriage is successful when both the husband and wife understand that it’s not about “me,” but about “us.” If this is how they see themselves, then they won’t feel offended so easily, and they won’t feel the need to fight for they want instead of giving in.
The story is told of somebody who was a guest of the Hafetz Haim during Hanukah, and he saw that the Hafetz Haim was not lighting the candles at the time when this should ideally be done. He had assumed that a great tzadik like the Hafetz Haim would certainly want to perform the mitzvah at the ideal time, so he was very surprised.
He approached the Hafetz Haim and asked why he wasn’t lighting the candles.
The Hafetz Haim answered based on a halachah mentioned in the Gemara. If a person is very poor, and, on Friday afternoon of Hanukah, he can afford to light either the Shabbat candles or the Hanukah candles, but not both, then he should light the Shabbat candles. The reason, the Gemara explains, is because the Shabbat candles are lit for the purpose of שלום בית – to bring peace and serenity to the home – and שלום בית is so important that it takes precedence over the mitzvah of Hanukah candles.
“If שלום בית overrides the mitzvah of Hanukah candles,” the Hafetz Haim said, “then certainly it overrides the preferred time for lighting. It’s far more important to wait for my wife to come home so she can be here for the lighting.”
Marriage is not about “me,” my needs, what I want, what’s good for me, what suits my preferences. It’s about “us,” about what we accomplish together.
If we live this way, we will find ourselves being less upset and bothered when things don’t go exactly as we wanted, and life will then be so much happier and so much more fulfilling.