Life is Awesome
Most people feel “stuck” in some aspect of their lives. Some feel stuck in a job they don’t like, or which does not pay a high enough salary. Some feel stuck in a home they don’t like because they can’t afford to move. Some people feel stuck in a marriage which they wish were better. And some people feel stuck raising a very difficult child or difficult children.
The Midrash, in its introductory comments to Parashat Maseh, talks about how our ancestors were “stuck” in the wilderness. We read in the Midrash that Hashem said to Beneh Yisrael, כל אותם מ' שנה שעשיתם במדבר לא הנחתי אתכם לברוח – “For all those forty years that you spend in the desert, I did not let you escape.” Hashem took care of the people’s needs during those forty years, but He also did not give them the opportunity to run away and try to go somewhere else. For forty years, they were “stuck.”
When we feel “stuck,” we feel down and depressed. Indeed, most of the time, when we see people and ask, “How’s it going,” they respond with some variation of, “Lousy,” or “Life stinks.” They tell us about some kind of serious problem that they’re dealing with, which is making their life “lousy.”
But in almost every case, with very rare exception, this is ridiculous. For the vast majority of people, life does not “stink” at all. In fact, for most of us, life is pretty awesome.
The Sefat Emet explains the aforementioned comment of the Midrash to mean not that Beneh Yisrael were trapped, unable to flee and to run away from their situation, but rather that they had no reason to flee, because they were, at every stage during the forty years, right where they were supposed to be. The Torah in Parashat Maseh lists the forty-two stations where Beneh Yisrael encamped during this period, and the Midrash is coming to emphasize that each one of these forty-two places was precisely where the nation needed to be at that time. We want to escape only from places where we do not want to be. Beneh Yisrael did not need to escape at any point during their travels because they were, at every stage, precisely at the right spot, exactly where they were supposed to be.
Our lives are very similar in this regard to Beneh Yisrael’s sojourn through the wilderness. We go from one station to the next, from one stage to the next, from one struggle to the next, from one problem to the next. If we ever feel “stuck,” that we’re trapped in a situation against our will, it is because we fail to realize that every “station,” every situation, is precisely where Hashem wants us to be.
So many of us make this mistake. It seems like whatever situation we are in, at whichever stage of life we find ourselves, we feel overcome by anxiety in the face of the challenges presented by that situation and that stage. We cannot enjoy life because we are always working to “escape” from the current stage, to solve the problems of today so we can get to tomorrow, and then tomorrow we face another set of challenges to overcome to reach the next stage.
How can we break that tendency? What can we do so we can appreciate and enjoy each station of life, and recognize that we are not “stuck,” that every situation is, in truth, exactly where we are supposed to be? How can we transform “life stinks” to “life is awesome”?
Worrying About $50
Imagine we were suddenly informed that we lost $50. For example, we were told that we missed a special discount at the store where we shopped, or we just now remembered that we had kept a $50 bill with some papers that we threw into the trash. We would probably feel upset, but we would get over it pretty easily. Perhaps for those dealing with financial stress the sting will last longer than for others, but most people would recover from the frustration fairly quickly.
Now imagine someone comes along and warns us that we are going to lose $50 at some point during the next three days. What would happen? In all likelihood, we would be very anxious for the next three days. We would be looking over every receipt several times to make sure there was no mistake, and we would take extra care every time we handle cash, make a withdrawal, or do anything else related to money. We would go through a great deal of anxiety to protect ourselves from a $50 loss, even though after we have lost $50, we wouldn’t make much of a fuss.
So often, the anxiety before the problem is much worse than the problem itself. Let’s take the example of a fellow who was laid off from his job, and after several months of unemployment found a lower-paying job. He and his family figured out a way to pay their bills with the lower income, and while it has not been easy, or what they ideally wanted, they are managing. We can only imagine, however, the kind of thoughts that went through the minds of this man and his wife from the moment he first received notice that he would be laid off. They imagined all kinds of catastrophic situations, of their children going hungry and being forced out of school because they couldn’t pay tuition, and so on and so forth. Certainly, the problem was real and considerable, but the anxiety and panic during the period leading up to the problem was so much worse. It is not easy to lose $50, or to lose a job, but the anxiety about the prospect of losing it is far worse than the problem itself. The uncertainty about the future causes us to worry and fret, thus denying us the ability to enjoy living.
Another example is shidduchim. When we attend the engagement party of a 24-year-old girl, we feel very happy and excited for her and her family. What we don’t see is the streams of tears she cried and pangs of anxiety she experienced over the last five years, each time she was turned down. She probably spent hours crying in her room each and every time, telling herself that she isn’t good enough for any boy, and that she might never get married. The anxiety and uncertainty about shidduchim is, for many of us, far worse than the actual problem of waiting several years until a successful match is made.
The Kabbalists teach that Beneh Yisrael traveled to forty-two different stations in the desert in order to correspond to one of the Names of Hashem, which has forty-two letters. The message being conveyed is that Hashem was with the people all along, throughout the entire process. Whether one is enjoying ups or enduring downs, Hashem is with him at every single stage. Recognizing this fundamental truth can go a very long way towards reducing our anxiety over “losing the $50.” Even as we are uncertain of the future, while we wait to see whether a new job opportunity will arise or when another prospective shidduch will come along, we need to trust that Hashem is guiding us along this path just as He led our ancestors through the desert. And once we reduce the anxiety of the process, of the uncertainty, we can enjoy the present rather than worrying about the future.
Consumed by the 5 Percent
There is also another key component to overcoming negativity and transforming “life stinks” into “life is awesome.”
Most of the time, when we feel “stuck” and depressed about our situation, it is because we allow 5 percent of life to become 100 percent – or 250 percent – of life. We allow one problem that we have to consume us, to deny us the right to feel good about ourselves, to feel happy and content, and to enjoy life. We’ve all been there.
For example, a couple has five children, and one of them has a behavior problem and is on the brink of expulsion from school. This couple is for the most part financially stable, their marriage is stable, and the other four kids are performing acceptably in school. Somebody else would look at them and say that 95 percent of their life, if not more, is terrific. But what happens? Their problem with that one child consumes them. Whenever they have some private time together, they talk about this child and their concerns. They can’t enjoy their time together, their time with the other children, or any other aspect of life because this one problem weighs so heavily on their minds and on their hearts. It consumes them.
The same is true about any other kind of problem – whether it’s an urgent home or car repair that will cost a fortune, an argument with a relative or neighbor, or the prospect of a layoff. We are so consumed by this one problem that it overshadows all the goodness in our life.
Avoiding this mistake is key to enjoying fulfillment and contentment in life. When we face a problem – and who doesn’t face problems? – we need to keep the problem in perspective. Of course, we should handle the problem responsibly and address it as best we could. But this does not mean we need to be consumed by it. We are allowed to enjoy ourselves and be happy even if a child is struggling in school, if a child is not married, or if we are in debt. If 95 percent of life is good – and for most people, it is – then we should not allow the other 5 percent to control us and deny us happiness.
If we feel “trapped,” and cannot appreciate the value of our current situation, this is often because we are focusing on only the 5 percent. Viewing our lives from a broader perspective, and recognizing the 95 percent that is awesome, can help us feel happy and blessed at every station of life and in any situation.
It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This
Once, when I spoke to a group of 9th graders, I said to them, “Your life right now is as good as it’s going to get.”
The kids looked at me with devastation. This is as good as it gets? What could be a more depressing thought than that for a young teenager struggling with school, friends, family, and all the stresses and confusion of adolescence?
In fact, a certain educator criticized me for making this comment, but I believe this is a vitally important lesson for teenagers, and for all of us.
I explained to the group that being a teenager presents a host of challenges. Ten years later, when they are in their twenties, they will face a whole different host of challenges, such as finding a spouse, starting married life and launching a career. Several years later, they will deal with the challenges of raising young children. Several years later, they will deal with the challenges of having teenagers. Several years later, they will deal with the challenges of marrying off their children. Every stage poses its unique challenges.
I told these youngsters that if they decide right now that life is awesome, despite the hardships and challenges of being a teenager, then they will be able to do the same at later stages in life despite the hardships and challenges of those stages.
This is how we can change “life stinks” into “life is awesome.” The first step is recognizing that Hashem is accompanying us all along, and is always placing us exactly where we need to be. The second is recognizing that for every problem we have to deal with, there are so many other things in our life that we can enjoy. If we realize this, and decide that life is awesome, then it will be awesome, and will always be awesome, at each and every station along the journey.