I was once talking with a community member who wanted some advice regarding issues in his marriage. During the conversation, I asked how he would rate his marriage on a scale from 1 to 10.
He answered, “Around 5 or 6.”
It occurred to me afterward that there are probably THOUSANDS of couples in our community who would give the same answer. They aren’t miserable, the marriage is stable, but it isn’t great.
I find that very sad.
Because it doesn’t have to be that way. And it shouldn’t be that way. Marriage can be great!!!
We are reading now the section of the Torah that talks about the Mishkan, which served as the Bet Ha’mikdash when Beneh Yisrael were in the desert, and then later, in the Land of Israel, until the Bet Ha’mikdash was built. The purpose of the Mishkan, as Hashem told Moshe, is ושכנתי בתוכם – so that Hashem’s presence will be among the people.
This is the purpose of marriage, as well.
The Gemara teaches, איש ואשה זכו, שכינה ביניהם – if a husband and wife create a beautiful marriage, then the Shechinah – Hashem’s presence – rests among them.
But as every couple can tell you, this is very hard.
As a Rabbi, I perform many weddings, and watch countless times the exhilaration and euphoria of the bride and groom as they walk down the aisle. But I’ve also worked with many couples who are unhappy in their marriages. Why is this? How can it be that so many couples are euphoric at their wedding, but then later find themselves struggling and unhappy?
Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz explains how this works. He writes that we are all created with certain needs, that require us to be TAKERS. We need the help and service of other people in order to survive. Children, of course, need everything done for them, and gradually become more independent as they grow up. But even as adults, we rely on other people for many things.
But while our bodies need to “take” in order to survive, our souls need to “give” in order to survive.
Our bodies have needs such as food, water, clothing and shelter. Our souls have a much different need – to give. Our souls are a part of Hashem, and Hashem’s essence is GIVING. He lacks nothing, so He only gives. We have a soul within us – and that soul needs to be nourished. The way we nourish it is by giving, giving and giving.
This is how we make our marriage great.
When we’re single, we’re accustomed to taking. We look for others to provide us with our needs. But marriage is meant to fulfill our soul’s need to give. And this requires giving in, putting somebody else’s needs before our own, being willing to compromise and to sacrifice. When we do this, we nourish our soul. And this brings us unparalleled joy.
This is so hard because it’s something we’re not used to doing. We’re used to taking, instead of giving. But
building a happy, fulfilling, GREAT marriage happens through giving of
ourselves, providing our soul with the nourishment it needs.
Of course, we need to care for ourselves, as well, and so there might be times when one needs to stand his or her ground. But assuming one’s spouse is generally normal and a good person, the key to a GREAT marriage is through giving of ourselves, nourishing our souls, which leads to the greatest happiness.
Let us not settle for a 5 or a 6. Let’s make our marriage a 10, the very best it can be!!