We read in Parashat Lech-Lecha of an argument that arose between Avraham Avinu and his nephew, Lot, who had accompanied him when he went to the live in Eretz Yisrael, and was living with him (13:7). The background to the argument is less important for our purposes here than the way Avraham handled it.
Avraham said to Lot, אל נא תהי מריבה ביני וביניך – “Let there not be a fight between me and you” (13:8).
Rav Moshe Alshich notes that in the previous pasuk, the Torah tells us ויהי ריב – that there was an “argument” between Avraham and Lot. It started as a ריב, a relatively minor argument, but Avraham feared that it would develop into a מריבה – a full-blown fight.
Virtually all fights within families begin with a ריב, with something relatively minor and trivial. Somebody felt insulted. Somebody said something he or she shouldn’t have. Somebody overreacted. An invitation wasn’t extended. Eventually the feelings fester, until the two parties find themselves embroiled in a מריבה, a bitter, nasty fight.
Avraham here teaches us not to allow a ריב to snowball into a מריבה. When there is some tension and friction – which is going to happen on occasion in any normal family – the important thing is to “nip it in the bud,” to keep these tensions at bay, rather than allowing them to grow into a full-blown fight.
But Avraham also teaches us another lesson about fights within the family.
He suggested to Lot, הפרד נא מעלי – that they separate. They tried living together, and it wasn’t working, so Avraham proposed that they part ways.
When family members live on top of one another, it is all but expected that there will arguments and tensions. Of course, families should be close. But sometimes families are too close, resulting in fights. If family members see that too much together-time isn’t working, it is perfectly acceptable – and advisable – to separate somewhat, to allow more space between them. And if family members are partners in a business, and the partnership isn’t working, is might be a good idea to split up.
Perhaps the most important lesson we learn from this story, however, is indicated to us by what happens right after. The Torah says that Hashem spoke to Avraham אחרי הפרד לוט מעמו – after Lot separated from him (13:14). As Rashi observes, the Torah emphasizes that Hashem spoke to Avraham specifically after Lot moved away. Rashi explains that as Lot was not so righteous, Hashem would not speak to Avraham while Lot lived with Avraham. Only after Lot left could Avraham receive prophecy.
Lot’s presence prevented Avraham from having Hashem speak with him – and yet, he kept Lot with him until he saw that it wasn’t working. Avraham did not regard his relationship with Lot as expendable – even for the privilege of having Hashem speak with him!! He insisted on remaining together with Lot even at this expense. It was only when he feared that the situation would lead to a מריבה that he suggested to Lot that they separate.
Few things are as valuable or rewarding than peaceful relations within the family. And few things are as painful and destructive than strife within the family. Sometimes, there is no choice but הפרד נא מעלי, to create some distance. But this should be a last resort. In most situations, it is worth it to maintain the peace, to forget and forgive. If Avraham was willing to forego on prophecy for the sake of his relationship with his nephew, then we can certainly forgive family members for hurtful things they said and did for the sake of keeping the family together. Most things are simply not worth a fight, not worth allowing a ריב to evolve into a מריבה. Peace within the family should always be a high priority – one for which we should be willing to make difficult sacrifices.