A humorous story is told of a man who drove a cement truck and had a parking spot in front of the building where the company’s offices were. Everybody knew that this spot was reserved for the truck, and nobody ever dared to park there.
One day, though, the man drove the truck to the building and was stunned to see a shiny new car parked in his spot. This had never happened before, and the driver was enraged. He could not believe that somebody had the gall to take his spot!
Sitting in the driver’s seat of his cement truck, he had the perfect plan for revenge. He drove towards the car, and dumped a large heap of cement on it.
When he walked in the office, he was excitedly greeted by…his wife.
“Honey, what are you doing here?” he asked, puzzled.
“I came to surprise you for your birthday!” she jubilantly replied. “Did you see that beautiful new car outside? That’s my gift to you for your birthday!”
The man in this story ruined his wonderful gift because he did not realize it was his gift. He thought it was a nuisance, something to get angry and upset about, when in truth, it was a precious gift lovingly given to him to use and enjoy.
This story is, in a nutshell, the story of so many people’s lives.
We are all given precious gifts that we mistake for a nuisance, or even for a calamity. Hashem sends us so many beautiful things which seem detrimental to us, but are in truth invaluable assets. So often we encounter difficult challenges which make us frustrated and bitter, not realizing that they were given to us for our benefit, to help us grow and achieve.
“This is Your Assignment!”
This is one of the lessons which the Torah teaches in the beginning of Parashat Maseh, where it lists the 42 stations where Beneh Yisrael encamped during their journey through the wilderness, over the course of the 40 years they spent traveling from Egypt to the Land of Israel. The Midrash makes the observation that Beneh Yisrael had no option of “escaping” at any point during this period. In essence, they were stuck. G-d led them from one station to the next for 40 years, and they could not go anywhere else. There was nowhere for them to run away to.
The Sefat Emet explains that the point being made is one which is very relevant to every person’s life. Hashem brings us to each and every “station” where we find ourselves at any point. It doesn’t matter what set of circumstances led us to our current situation, to whatever problem it is that we face right now. Hashem brought us here. If He did not want us here, we wouldn’t be here. Just like Hashem brought Beneh Yisrael to each of the 42 stations where they encamped in the desert, similarly, Hashem brought us to every “station” we ever find ourselves in. Wherever we are, it is precisely where we are supposed to be.
This should be our perspective whenever a difficult situation comes along that we need to struggle with. We should imagine that our boss has called us into his office, and he hands us a folder and says, “Here, this is your assignment now.” Any problem we have is actually a mission for us to complete. It is Hashem telling us that He wants something of us, that He wants us to grow and become better. When we see the car in our parking spot – when some disturbing turn of events happens – we need to see it as Hashem giving us a precious gift, an important mission for us to accomplish, which will make us better people.
This lesson can be extracted from a very difficult halachah found in the Shulhan Aruch. In the laws of mourning, the Shulhan Aruch mentions several things that are appropriate and things that are inappropriate to say to a mourner when paying a shivah call. One of the things the Shulhan Aruch tells us not to say to a mourner is, “Look, what can you do? This can’t be changed. There’s nothing to do about it.” Why is it forbidden to make such a remark? Because it implies that if there were a way to change the situation, we would, that we do not accept Hashem’s decision, that we would have done things differently.
Of course, it takes a very high level of emunah to firmly accept tragic circumstances without any questioning. And when it comes to the loss of a loved one, this might be too tall an order for most of us. But this is something that we absolutely must accept when it comes to our other “problems” in life. Whether it’s problems in marriage, with children, with shidduchim, with our livelihood, or in any other area, we need to see ourselves as having been assigned a mission. Like during Beneh Yisrael’s journey through the desert, there are no wrong turns. We are where we are because Hashem brought us here, and He brought us here because we have a mission to accomplish right here in this circumstance. If a car is parked in our space, it’s a priceless gift, not a nuisance.
It is told that many years ago, a man was driving his car down the highway when it suddenly broke down. He got out of the car, opened the hood, and tried everything he could to fix the problem, but to no avail. Finally, after a couple of very frustrating hours, another car pulled up. An old man stepped out of the car, and went over to the broken down vehicle. He requested permission to look under the hood, and then had a look. Without a moment’s hesitation, he turned a certain knob, and then closed the hood and told the driver the car was now fixed. The man turned on the ignition, and lo and behold, the car worked perfectly.
He again got out of his car and turned to the old man and asked, “How did you know how to do that? I know quite a bit about cars, and I’ve been trying for two hours!!”
“My name is Henry Ford,” the old man said. “I designed that car.”
This is the message taught to us by the lists of Beneh Yisrael’s encampments in the desert. Hashem created the world and brings us to every station in our lives. We are never anywhere by mistake. No matter what the problem is, Hashem wanted it to happen so that we can fulfill our mission. He made our “car,” and knows exactly how it is supposed to run and where it is supposed to bring us.
The Splitting of the Sea
A famous passage in the Gemara teaches us that finding one’s marriage partner is “as difficult as the splitting of the sea.” The Gemara also comments that securing a livelihood, too, is “as difficult as the splitting of the sea.”
Why are these challenges – finding a shidduch and securing a livelihood – compared to the splitting of the sea? And, in what way was the splitting of the sea difficult? Is anything difficult for Hashem? Did He have to work hard to make the waters split?!
I heard a beautiful explanation of the Gemara’s comment from Rav Shmuel Pinhasi when my family and I had the great privilege of hosting him in our home.
Rav Pinhasi cited the Midrash’s comment that already at the time of creation, when G-d created the ocean and made its boundaries, beyond which it was not licensed to extend, He stipulated that the time would come when the sea’s water would need to split for Beneh Yisrael. The miracle of the sea was a “built-in” exception to the natural laws that the sea otherwise follows for all eternity. However, a different Midrash tells that when Moshe told the sea to split to allow Beneh Yisrael through, it initially refused. It argued that it was created on the third day of creation, whereas human beings were not created until the sixth day. As such, it did not have to yield and alter its natural course for the sake of human beings.
The question arises, how did the sea initially refuse to split for Beneh Yisrael on the basis of this argument, if from the outset G-d stipulated that it would have to split? Already on the day it was created, the sea was told that it would need to split its waters when Beneh Yisrael would be fleeing from the Egyptians. How, then, could it refuse?
Rav Pinhasi explained that indeed, the sea was poised to split, but G-d first wanted Beneh Yisrael’s prayers. Everything was in place and ready, but Beneh Yisrael needed to first accomplish something; they needed to pray and pour their heart out to Hashem.
This is true of shidduchim and our livelihood, as well. G-d has a person’s marriage partner ready, and also has his or her material blessings ready. As our Sages teach us, G-d announces even before a person’s birth whom he or she will marry, and He determines on Rosh Hashanah how much money a person will have that year. The marriage partner and the sustenance are already prepared, but as in the case of the Yam Suf, G-d wants us to pray for them.
And “praying” does not mean simply the recitation of words. Rav Pinhasi noted that the Hebrew word for “pray” is מתפלל, which is the reflexive form. This means that it is something directed not outward, toward somebody else, but inward, toward oneself. Praying means not simply throwing out words, but undergoing a meaningful internal process. Before the sea splits, we need to look into ourselves and change. If we find ourselves struggling with any sort of problem, and we desperately need a solution, we need to identify the mission that Hashem is giving us and then try our best to fulfill it.
We must clarify that this does not mean the person is bad, or worse than other people who don’t have this problem. The question of why Hashem assigns certain people one kind of mission and other people a different mission is one which we cannot answer. What we do know, however, is that Hashem assigns us missions in the form of problems. When we find ourselves at the shores of the sea and waters are raging, blocking our path, we have to find our mission and fulfill it so the waters can split and let us through.
Identifying the Mission
This leads us to the difficult question of how we are to go about identifying our mission. When the boss calls an employee into his office and hands him a folder, the assignment is very clear and laid out in very unambiguous terms. In our relationship with Hashem, however, the message is obscure. How are we supposed to know what our mission is? When we are faced with a difficult problem, whether it involves shidduchim, health, livelihood, children, or some other area of life, how do we know what job G-d is assigning us?
The first way is to apply the famous principle of מדה כנגד מדה – literally, “measure for measure.” If we want to find what it is we need to improve, we should start by looking at where the problem is.
The pasuk in Tehillim says about Hashem, ולך ה' חסד כי אתה תשלם לאיש כמעשהו – “You, Hashem, are kind, for You repay each person according to his deeds.” In His infinite kindness, G-d gives us problems כמעשהו, in the area where He wants us to improve.
Let’s take the example of somebody with a recurring problem in his house – whether it’s a leak that nobody can fix, termites, or plumbing problems. Maybe the mission being assigned to the family is to improve the atmosphere in the home, to create a calmer and happier environment. Another example is problems that arise in marriage. If a husband finds that the marriage is not what he wants it to be, perhaps this problem is a mission to work on his flexibility, patience, attentiveness and sensitivity. Again, this is not to say that until now he has been an abject failure, and has been a terrible husband. All it means is that Hashem believes that he can be better, and the problem he now faces is an invitation to take the next step forward.
If a couple has a child that is struggling in school or has been rejected from the schools of his or her choice, perhaps the mission is to be more focused on and attuned to their children. It is very likely that they already are and always have been wonderful, loving and devoted parents, but they are now given a mission to be even better, to give their children even more time, love, support and encouragement.
If a couple is experiencing financial hardship, perhaps Hashem is telling them to focus less attention on materialism, and to be more mindful of their religious obligations. They might have been wonderful Torah Jews even before the problems arose, but Hashem is calling on them to elevate themselves just a little bit, to take a small but meaningful step forward. When seen from this perspective, their problem is not some kind of curse, a sign that Hashem is angry, but to the contrary, a sign that He believes in them, that He thinks they are capable of more, that they can and should strive to reach the next rung on the ladder.
There is also another way to identify what our mission is in any situation, and that is, quite simply, our intuition.
In the Book of Devarim, Moshe tells Beneh Yisrael that Torah greatness is not “in the heavens” or “across the sea,” emphasizing, כי קרוב אליך הדבר מאד בפיך ובלבבך לעשותו – “The matter is very close to you, in your mouth and in your heart to do.” What this might mean is that the mission we need to accomplish is the one that is בפיך ובלבבך – at the tip of our tongue and at the forefront of our minds. Any serious, conscientious Jew knows full well what he needs to do better. Sure, we sometimes need to consult with Rabbis to receive guidance, but nobody knows us better than we do. We all know what our bad habits are and what we don’t do as well as we can. And so when we face problems and are looking to identify our mission, we do not need too much imagination or creativity. We need, very simply, to look בפיך ובלבבך – into what we’ve thinking and telling ourselves for a long time. Hashem does not need to tell us openly what our mission is, because if we are honest with ourselves, we already know what it is. The problems in our lives is Hashem encouraging us to do that mission. It’s Him saying, “Don’t give up on yourself! Don’t say, ‘I can’t,’ because you can! You can be better!” We all know where we need to improve – and our problems are Hashem’s call to us, assuring us that we capable of making the changes we know we need to make, and that He wants us to make.
We’re On the Right Bus
The story is told of a large group of people that assembled at a bus stop in Bnei-Brak one Motzaeh Yom Tov – the night right after a holiday. They were all waiting for the bus to Jerusalem. The bus did not arrive at the scheduled time, and the people started growing impatient. They waited and waited, for a full hour. It was already very late at night, around midnight, when a bus showed up – with a sign on the front window saying that it was going to Rechovot.
The door opened, and the crowd of people asked the driver where he was going.
“Didn’t you see what the sign said?” the driver replied. “This bus is going to Rechovot.”
Exasperated, the travelers vented their frustration, explaining that they’ve been waiting over an hour for the bus to Jerusalem, which didn’t come when it was scheduled to.
“Alright,” the driver said. “I’ll drive to Jerusalem, instead. All aboard!” The people were pleasantly surprised and all boarded the bus.
At some point during the trip, one of the passengers became a little suspicious. The situation just didn’t make sense. How could a bus driver just suddenly change the bus’s destination? If this was the bus to Rechovot, how could the driver just decide to drive it in a totally different direction, to Jerusalem? It seemed fishy that a driver would make up a new route on a whim.
The curious passenger finally approached the driver to find out what was going on. “How could you just change the route?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you the truth,” the driver said. “This is the bus to Jerusalem. I never planned to drive to Rechovot.”
He explained that over at the bus company’s headquarters, the company’s employees realized that a mistake happened and the bus to Jerusalem didn’t show up at the bus stop in Bnei-Brak. The video camera at the bus stop showed a large crowd of frustrated commuters angrily and impatiently waiting for the bus that never arrived. The company wanted to send a bus to the station the moment a bus became available, but it knew that the people would be furious when the bus showed up over an hour late. it therefore came up with a plan. It would send a bus with a sign indicating that it was going to Rechovot, and then, after the driver would hear the people’s complaints about the bus to Jerusalem which never showed up, he would agree to bring them to Jerusalem. This way, instead of being treated like a villain, the driver would be looked upon as a saint.
Hashem always sends us the right bus. Wherever our lives are taking us right now, we’re going in the right direction. If we find that things are difficult, that we’re struggling, that we have thorny problems for which we see no solution, we shouldn’t worry. We are exactly where we need to be. Alongside our continued, determined efforts to solve the problems that we face, we must also find our mission, find the way in which we know we need to improve, and do what we can to make that happen.
If we stop seeing our problems as problems, and we view them instead as missions for us to accomplish, we will find our problems so much easier to handle, and we will find ourselves always growing and improving, one small step at a time, throughout our lives.