What’s your biggest concern about the summer?
Some people will say that the biggest concern is keeping kosher.
Others will say dressing modestly on hot summer days.
Maybe it’s trying not to overspend on camps and trips.
I’m sure many will say it’s the challenge of living together with a sibling’s family, which is often a recipe for jealousy and fighting.
For some men it might be the commute to work from the family’s summer home.
There’s no right answer, of course. But one of the problems that I’ve noticed coming up in the summertime is the problem of showing off.
It’s something that affects all of us – young adults, older adults, teens, and children.
During the summer, there’s a lot going on, we’re going to a lot of places and attending a lot of events. People are out with family and friends and attending functions more in the summer. And this naturally triggers a desire to show off, to impress, to flaunt, and to make a display of oneself.
I know people who rent a luxury car especially for the summer. There are people who renovate or expand their summer home for the umpteenth time just to impress. As people are out more, they make a greater effort to be seen, to be noticed, to be respected, and to be envied.
And this is not a good thing.
Korah’s INSANITY
Korah led a rebellion against Moshe and Aharon, challenging their right to be the leaders. He had with him 250 men, all of whom wanted to be able to serve in the Mishkan as the kohen gadol, the position held by Aharon.
Moshe made a “deal” with this group. He said that they should all come to the Mishkan the next day with incense, and all of them, together with Aharon, will bring an incense offering. The one whose offering was accepted would be determined to the be the kohen gadol. And everyone else, who was not chosen, would die.
How many of us would have accepted this deal? How many of us would compete with another 250 people for something we want, knowing that everyone who loses the competition would die?!?!
Korah and all his 250 followers accepted the deal.
This is insane!!!
INSANE!!!
How could they have possibly agreed to something so CRAZY?
We also need to understand Korah himself. He was already a very distinguished person. He was one of the people given the prestigious job of carrying the aron, the holiest article of the Mishkan. Very few people had this privilege – and he was one of them!
So what was his problem? Why did he need to instigate a fight against Moshe? Why wasn’t he satisfied???
All these people seem to have been perfectly good, normal people before this whole story started. So what happened? Did they suddenly become insane?!?
The answer is YES, they were insane – stricken by a form of insanity that affects each and every one of us, almost without exception.
The מי בראש Drug
The Gemara in Masechet Sanhedrin tells a fascinating story about Yerovam ben Nevat, one of the worst sinners in the history of the Jewish People, the one who led the ten tribes to break off from the Jewish Kingdom during the reign of King Shlomo’s son, and create a new kingdom. As part of this process of making a new kingdom for himself, Yerovam made two new temples to replace the Bet Ha’mikdash.
The Gemara says that despite the terrible things Yerovam did, G-d spoke to him and offered him a deal. He told Yerovam that if he repented, then “I, you, and King David will walk together in Gan Eden.”
Yerovam was given a chance to not only earn an eternal share in Gan Eden, but to have a special relationship with Hashem, which he would share with only one person, King David.
He had done the most awful things – but he was given this incredible offer, to walk in Gan Eden with G-d Himself!
This was an offer he could not refuse – YET HE REFUSED!!!!
Yerovam turned to G-d and asked a question that seems outright ridiculous: מי בראש – “Who will be first?”
He wanted to know who would walk in front when he was in Gan Eden – he, or King David.
Hashem told him that King David would walk first. And so Yerovam refused.
He was offered eternal bliss – and he turned it down, because he would be second place, instead of first place!
Sounds crazy?
It is, of course – but this is something many of us do!!!
Imagine someone coming over to us and making the following offer:
“I will give you a beautiful house in a great neighborhood, for free. But I’m also giving your two sisters houses for free on the same block – and yours will be significantly smaller. It will still be large, spacious and magnificent, but smaller than your sisters’ houses.”
How many of us would accept this offer?
Sure, some of us would. But I’m sure that there are many who wouldn’t. They’d rather spend $1 million for a house than get for free a house the same size that is smaller than their siblings’ houses.
Is this any less insane than Yerovam????
The point we’re trying to make is that the desire for recognition is a DRUG. It makes us crazy.
And I say “us” because it affects me, too.
I recall once I attended a certain event, and at the event an announcement was made listing the names of the people involved, including me. My name was mentioned close to the very end. And I will confess – when I walked out, I was asking myself, “My name is at the end? The people listed before me are more important?”
Of course, this is nonsense. It’s insanity. But we’re all affected by it. Just like drug addicts do the craziest things to get the drugs they crave, we have a natural tendency to do crazy things to get the respect and recognition we want.
We’ll call it the מי בראש drug – the urge to be noticed and respected, which makes us insane. And, like a drug, it is addictive, and the more you have it, the more you need it.
Stories abound of famous celebrities – such as athletes, actors, singers and billionaires – who did the craziest things to achieve greater fame and wealth, or who went into depression when they didn’t get what they wanted. They already had fame and fortune – but the more they had, the more they needed.
I’m neither rich nor famous, but I have had these kinds of experiences.
I recall one night when I attended and spoke at the graduation of the high school where I teach, and also went to three weddings. Without exaggeration, I must have shaken hands that night with 800 people. I received many compliments about my speech and other things. But when I got home after that long, wonderful night, I remembered just one thing – the man who was angry at me for something he thinks I did, and who passed by me on my way to the third wedding without greeting me or shaking my hand.
That hurt. And it hurt a lot.
It hurt not despite all the compliments I received that night, but because I had received so many compliments that night. Once you get a taste of it, you want more, and it drives you crazy when you lose it.
Rabbi Haber and…Haman
At times such as those, I feel like Haman.
Yes, Haman.
Haman had the entire world bowing down to him. He enjoyed more wealth and prestige than any human being could possibly want – or so we would think. But when one person – Mordechai – refused to bow down to him, Haman said to his family, וכל זה איננו שווה לי – everything he had was worth nothing to him. NOTHING!!! He owned billions – but IT WAS WORTH NOTHING!!!!
This is the מי בראש drug at work.
The higher dose one is accustomed to, the more desperately he needs it. And so Haman, who had as high a dose as anybody ever had, could not deal with that one Jewish fellow who refused to bow to him.
That’s how I felt that night. I was so accustomed to warm greetings and compliments that I WENT CRAZY when this one angry guy walked right by me.
I was once sitting at the dais at a certain event, and in the middle, a prominent Rabbi entered the room. The organizers quickly needed to give the Rabbi a seat at the dais. As a result, they were short one chair, and so they brought a simple folding chair for somebody else at the table. This fellow was upset about it THE ENTIRE DAY. No exaggeration.
Later, I asked this man about the situation, if everything was ok. He was very distraught, and said that he had a bad back and the folding chair was uncomfortable.
I could tell that this was false. It had nothing to do with his back. This man was accustomed to being treated with honor and respect. And it made him crazy that he suffered the great “indignity” of being seated in a simple folding chair.
I understand Yerovam ben Nevat. After establishing his kingdom, he was affected by this drug. And it made him crazy. So crazy that he could not bring himself to be behind King David. He was prepared to surrender his eternity (!!!!!!!!!!) rather than play second fiddle to somebody else.
And this is also what happened to Korah and his followers. Were they insane? Yes, because they were affected by the מי בראש drug. Korah was accustomed to honor and prestige, and so he wanted more. Then he planted in the minds of his followers that they could enjoy it, too, and so they were determined to pursue it at all costs – even the cost of their very lives!!
So when we go around – especially during the summertime – and see people flaunting and showing off, clearly making a concentrated effort to impress, we should relax. We should understand that this is human nature. It’s not good, it’s not what we want, but this is the “drug” that virtually all of us have, to one degree or another. It’s just the way we were created.
But what about ourselves? Now that we realize that seeking fame and recognition is human nature, what can we do to contain the effects of this “drug” and prevent it from making us crazy like Korah and his men?
1) It’s fake!!!!
The first step is to remind ourselves, over and over again, that this feeling is fake. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL about the good feeling we have when we are noticed and complimented. It is pure absurdity!!
I was once invited to a huppah and to recite a berachah. The huppah was scheduled to begin at 7pm, and I had an important meeting scheduled for 7:45. The ceremony did not begin until 7:45, and it dragged on and on. I kept nervously looking at my watch, and I really needed to go. But I was slated to recite one of the berachot, which are recited towards the end of the huppah ceremony.
Finally, I approached the Rabbi running the huppah and asked if instead of reciting one of the berachot at the end, I could instead recite the blessing of the besamim, which takes place earlier. This would save me a good 20 minutes.
He looked at me like I was crazy.
Reciting the blessing over the besamim is considered one of the “lowest” honors at a huppah. The Rabbi thought I was out of my mind by volunteering to take that role in place of the honor of reciting one of the berachot at the end.
But when you think about it rationally, this is so absurd. It’s so fake.
Does anybody even care? Is anybody “keeping score” of which blessings the different Rabbis recite at weddings?! And does it really mean I’m more or less important if I recite this berachah or that berachah? Of course not. It’s all in the head. It’s all imaginary.
This is true of all displays of honor. They mean nothing. The good feeling we get when we are noticed and honored is so fake, so meaningless, so unimportant.
We cannot change human nature; we are always going to feel a natural desire for recognition and compliments. But we can at least contain this urge and prevent it from taking over our brains and making us crazy, by realizing just how utterly absurd it really is.
2) It’s hurting you!
Secondly, we have to remember one simple thing: obsessing over what people think of us is detrimental to us. It doesn’t help us; it hurts us.
The Gemara in Masechet Sotah says about an arrogant person, אפילו רוח קימעא עוכרתו – “even a slight wind ruins him.” If somebody is preoccupied with his reputation, then EVERYTHING upsets him. His day is ruined by the slightest infraction – or imagined infraction – on his honor.
When we obsess over what people think of us, then our day is ruined because we are given a folding chair. And a beautiful evening of joy and celebration is ruined because of one angry person who refuses to say hello.
If we don’t obsess over what people think of us, then we can actually ENJOY LIFE!! We can go about our business, doing what we like, being who we want to be, without constantly worrying about whether or not we’re impressing people.
Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
Wouldn’t life be SO MUCH BETTER if we weren’t carrying around this burden of anxiety, always worrying what people are thinking about us?
3) What Hashem wants
Another thing we need to know is that Hashem HATES when we show off, when we obsess over impressing people. He HATES it.
I am not exaggerating. It’s explicit in the Gemara. The Gemara compares showing off to some of the worst sins.
The pasuk in Tehillim says, כי רם ה' ושפל יראה – Hashem is great, but He looks mainly at the שפל, the lowly, humble person. He’s not so interested in the show-off, no matter how much the person has to show off…. Hashem is far more interested in the שפל, those who keep a low profile, who don’t feel the need to seek attention and recognition.
One of my Rabbis in high school used to tell us that whenever we feel lowly, embarrassed, ashamed, or offended, we have enormous power. At such moments we should immediately pray for what we need, because we are especially beloved by Hashem. כי שפל יראה – Hashem pays special attention to the שפל, and turns away from those who are arrogant.
I can say from personal experience that whenever my head gets too big, Hashem finds a way to make it smaller. When I feel too good about myself, He always manages to bring me back to reality and remind me who I am.
So let’s not wait for that to happen! We can do it ourselves, by living humbly, without looking around for people to notice us and be impressed by us.
4) Humility invites respect
A final reason to stop this obsession is that it is counterproductive, bringing us the opposite of what we want. When we live with humility, we earn far more respect than we do when we show off and make a point of trying to impress people.
I remember one occasion when I received a bar-mitzvah invitation that was surprisingly “thin.” Many wealthy people tend to send super-thick invitations, which cost about $10 a piece. But this family – which could have definitely afforded to send as thick an invitation as ever has been sent – chose to send simple, normal invitations, the kind you would expect from people with limited means.
At the affair, I went over to the father and made a point of complimenting him for sending a simple invitation, rather than spending money on unnecessarily thick paper.
When we try to impress people, it is plainly obvious that this is what we’re doing, and we do not look good. Just think of a time when we were speaking to somebody who threw in something about himself that had little to do with the conversation, clearly attempting to impress us. Were we impressed? Not at all. We were taken aback by this childish attempt to impress us.
We shouldn’t be looking for respect, but if we are, the last think we want to do is show off!!
Of course, we are all human, and we are all prone to this “illness” of trying to impress. But we can, at very least, limit the damage by remembering that the satisfaction we receive is completely fake; this obsession hurts us; Hashem HATES it; and if anything, it earns us less respect, not more.
We should not be worrying about מי בראש, whether or not we’ll be respected and recognized. We should be worrying about doing what we know and believe is the right thing to do, so that we will earn the respect of the person whose impression of us matters the most: OURSELVES.