Parashat Shoftim begins with a discussion of the judges who are to be appointed to preside over the nation’s legal disputes. The Torah commands the judges, לא תכיר פנים – not to show favoritism.
Rashi explains that this does not refer to tilting the verdict in favor of a litigant whom the judge likes even though he does not really deserve to win the case. This is obvious and does not even need to be said.
Rather, Rashi writes, this means that when the judge hears the case, and the litigants are presenting their arguments, he must treat them equally. Rashi gives the example of making one litigant stand while allowing the other to sit. When a litigant senses that the judge is treating him with less respect than the other litigant, he becomes discouraged, and cannot argue his case effectively. And so even during the process of hearing the arguments, the judge must treat both litigants the same way.
Rashi’s comments present us with a valuable lesson that is relevant not only to judges in a courtroom, but to each and every one of us.
People are affected by our subtleties and nuances. They can sense by the way we communicate how we think and feel about them. Just by telling a litigant to stand or sit, the judge communicates what he thinks about that litigant. And this is true of all our interactions. People pick up the messages we subtly convey.
I was once at a meeting with a group of women teachers to plan an educational program. Somebody suggested that the program be held one evening, and I said that this might not be a good idea, because “I think some of the teachers might be busy then.” This is all I said. A different time was found for the program.
Later that night, one of the teachers texted me, thanking me for my sensitivity. I didn’t know what she was talking about.
She explained that she has been married for 15 years and still does not have children. She noticed that I specifically said, “…some of the teachers might be busy,” and not, “…some of the teachers might be busy with their children” – which would have been very painful for her to hear. The little words we speak, the way we express ourselves, can make all the difference in the world.
So many times we hear or know of people who are going through a difficult time – such as financial struggles, a medical problem, challenges with children, older singles, and so on. And we feel very uncomfortable because we have absolutely no idea what to do. There is no way we can solve their problem. Often, we feel so uncomfortable that we prefer to just not see them or think about them. But the truth is that while we might not be able to solve the problem, there is absolutely something very important which we can do – and that is, we can show that we care.
This is not difficult to do, especially in today’s day and age. We just need to pick up our phone and send a three-line message saying hello, letting them know that we’re thinking about them, that we’re praying for them, that we wish them well.
We should never feel that if we can’t solve the problem, then there’s nothing we can do. We can – and must – show the person that we really care. And we can do this in simple, subtle, but meaningful ways, by reaching out, sending a text, making a call, expressing friendship.
This is critically important in marriage, as well. When one spouse has a problem, the other spouse is not “off the hook” just because he or she has no solution. Expressing sensitivity, respect, understanding and concern is vitally important in any relationship, but especially in marriage.
Let’s all make an effort to be on the lookout for people who are struggling, who are hurting. Even if we cannot solve their problem, let us share a kind word and give them the love, friendship and support that they so desperately need.