The summer months, at least in our community, is a time when many homes suddenly turn into apartment buildings. Siblings’ families often move in with each other for a weekend, several weekends, or a few weeks, to spend what is not-always-accurately called “quality time” with one another. These “move ins” can be beautiful opportunities for families to bond, to strengthen their relationships, to create wonderful memories, to allow the young children to get to know their cousins. At the same time, however, this arrangement can also cause a good deal of tension. And very often, this tension is the result of jealousy.
No two people are the same or live the same way, and this is true even of siblings, no matter how similar they are or how close they are in age. Invariably, one sibling is in a better financial situation than the other. One might be struggling just to get by, while the other drives a luxury car and wears designer clothes, shoes and sunglasses. Also invariably, one sibling is in a better personal situation than the other. One might be married, and the other single. Even if both are married, one likely has a happier marriage than the other. If they both have children, then invariably, one will be having a much more difficult time with their kids than the other. When married siblings are living together in the same house, it could very well happen that one has their kids fed, bathed and calmly put to bed by 8pm, while the other is still struggling and chasing after the kids at 10pm. These or similar discrepancies are all but inevitable, and they can easily result in hard feelings of jealousy and resentment.
Jealousy is a very common and difficult problem, but it is especially acute when dealing with siblings. Specifically because siblings are – or should be – close, and they are prone to spend more time with one another, their differences are more pronounced. Because they are, in a sense, “equal,” in that they belong to the same family, the differences in their lives are felt very strongly. And if these differences relate to finances, marriage, or kids’ behavior or achievement, as they so often are, they can cause a great deal of jealousy, which in turn can cause a great deal of friction.
“You Shall Not Covet”
Jealousy is the subject of the tenth of the Ten Commandments, which are listed in the Torah for the second time in Parashat Vaethanan. And, it is in the context of this tenth command that we find one of the small number of differences between the two accounts of the Ten Commandments. In the first account, which we find back in Parashat Yitro, the Torah commands, לא תחמוד בית רעך, לא תחמוד אשת רעך...וכל אשר לרעך – “You shall not covet your fellow’s house; you shall not covet your fellow’s wife…or anything belonging to your fellow.” In Parashat Vaethanan, however, the Torah commands, ולא תחמוד אשת רעך ולא תתאוה בית רעך...וכל אשר לרעך – “You shall not covet your fellow’s wife; and you shall not desire your fellow’s home…or anything belonging to your fellow.” In the second account of the עשרת הדברות, the Torah commands not only לא תחמוד (“You shall not covet”), but also לא תתאוה (“You shall not desire”).
The Rambam explains that לא תתאוה is more demanding than לא תחמוד. The command of לא תחמוד forbids feeling envious of something belonging to another person to the point where one begins devising a plan how to obtain it. The command of לא תתאוה, by contrast, goes even further, forbidding desiring that which belongs to another person even without any realistic hopes of somehow taking it from him. Surprisingly, the Torah actually forbids us from feeling envious of other people. If we see people with something we do not have, who enjoy success that we do not enjoy, who have achieved what we have not achieved, we should feel happy for that person and not jealous.
Many commentators raised the obvious question of how the Torah could issue such a command. How is it possible for us to avoid feelings of jealousy? If we see somebody who lives far more comfortably than us, how can we not feel envious? If we see somebody having a much easier time raising his children than we are having, how can we not be jealous? If we see somebody being honored at dinner after dinner for his million-dollar donations, while we struggle to pay our mortgage and school tuition, how can we avoid envy?
Answer #1: Keeping Perspective
One answer, which is suggested by the Bet Ha’levi, can be understood by way of an analogy to a person who lives by a river and has always dreamt of going to the other side. Perhaps on the other side he has close friends whom he has not seen in a long while. Or, there are special stores there when he can purchase items which are not available on his side of the river. Whatever it is, there is something across the river which he has always desired to see or obtain.
Finally, one winter day, his opportunity arrives. The weather turns bitter cold, and the water freezes over. This is his chance to go to the other side and fulfill his dreams.
As he walks across the ice, however, a chunk of ice cracks beneath him, and he falls into the freezing water. He hangs onto the ice, desperately trying to lift himself from the icy water before he freezes to death.
At that moment, he is not thinking about whatever it is he wanted to do across the river. His mind is focused exclusively on saving his life. He does not care one bit about anything he wished to see or access on the other side.
The Bet Ha’levi suggested that the same is true about the prohibition of לא תחמוד. If a person truly feared Hashem, and understood the gravity of sin, then his fellow’s wealth will be as trivial in his mind as the other side of the river is to the fellow trying to save himself from the freezing river. If we were as fearful of sin as we ideally should be, then we would not think at all of our fellow’s successes and achievements, as we would be afraid to transgress the prohibition of לא תחמוד.
Interestingly, the Hazon Ish commented that this answer of the Bet Ha’levi is not practical for the vast majority of people. Perhaps a righteous giant like the Bet Ha’levi was so fearful of sin that he could not think of any other wishes and desires when a potential Torah violation was at stake. But for us ordinary people, this is simply not the case.
The Hazon Ish therefore suggested a slight variation of this answer. And that is, we can avoid jealousy if we have a proper overall perspective on life, on what’s important and what isn’t. Life is not about fancy cars and designer clothing. We are here to serve Hashem to the best of our ability, not to enjoy luxury and wealth, plain and simple. Certainly, it is not easy seeing somebody else – especially a brother or sister – enjoying greater wealth or having an easier time in life than we are. But if we live with a proper perspective on what life is about, this will bother us less. If we understand that we are here to serve Hashem as best we can under whatever circumstances He puts us in, it won’t matter all that much whether we have more money or less money, or whether our kids go to sleep at 8pm right when we tell them to, or they give us a runaround until 10pm. We have bigger things to worry about, because we believe that we were put in this world for very lofty purposes.
I recall once when I was very upset about something and it weighed heavily on my mind for several days. It wasn’t a jealousy issue, but rather something somebody said or did that really bothered me. At that time, another person I knew happened to come over to me and said hello. At first I did not recognize him. After a few moments, I realized who he was – a friend who had become seriously ill. He looked much different because of his treatments. I spoke to him for a short while, hearing about what he was going through, and about his faith and strength in dealing with this terrible situation. In but an instant, I was no longer bothered by my petty gripe. When speaking with somebody suffering a serious disease, we regain perspective on what’s important and what’s not. And this is one way to overcome jealousy – by trying always to keep perspective, to remember that there are so much more important things in life than the thing we are jealous or resentful about.
Part of the reason why we have so much trouble having this perspective is advertising. Studies have shown – astoundingly – that an American is exposed, on average, to over 4,000 ads each day. Between billboards, TV, radio and internet, we see thousands upon thousands of advertisements each and every day of our lives. And each one is telling us that buying the product in question will fundamentally change our lives. Or that we NEED this product; that it is a matter of necessity, not luxury. The world of advertising has a toxic effect on our minds, making our minds haywire, convincing us that a certain car, gadget, article of clothing, piece of furniture or something else is something crucially important. We can go a long way to avoiding jealousy by reminding ourselves that this is just false. It is not a matter of dire importance to have a fancy piece of furniture instead of a simple piece of furniture. It is not a matter of dire importance to earn as much money as everybody else we know, or even most of the people we know. Living simply makes life no less meaningful or valuable. If we live with this perspective, and stop affording great value to things which are not really that important, we will find ourselves envying other people far less.
Answer #2: We Have What We are Supposed to Have
The Ibn Ezra gives a famous answer to the question of how the Torah could command us not to feel envious of other people. He suggests an analogy to a poor, simple peasant, who spends his days on the farm, tending to his crops and his animals, earning a modest living, living in a small shack, and often wearing dirty clothing. One day, the king’s chariot happens to drive through the countryside, and the peasant sees the beautiful princess sitting alongside her father. This peasant will not harbor any thoughts of marrying the princess, not even in his wildest dreams. He understands that he is but a simple, poor peasant, and will never have any association with this wealthy, beautiful woman.
The Ibn Ezra writes that this should also be our perspective on our fellow’s possessions. Our friend’s house, car, suit, shoes or job should seem as distant and off-limits to us as a princess seems to a poor peasant. It should not enter our minds for a fleeting moment that this is something we are supposed to have. What other people possess and enjoy has nothing at all to do with what we are supposed to possess and enjoy. There is no reason to ever think that we should have what somebody else has.
According to the Ibn Ezra, the prohibition of לא תחמוד is integrally connected to emunah, to our faith that Hashem gives each and every one of us precisely what he or she is supposed to have. Indeed, the Yalkut Reuveni comments that one who finds himself unable to fulfill this tenth commandment apparently has not fulfilled the first commandment – the belief of אנכי ה' אלוקיך – that Hashem is our G-d who controls everything in our lives. If we truly believed that Hashem gives us all precisely what we are supposed to have, then we would not feel jealous. We would look at what other people have as just that – what other people have, which has absolutely nothing to do with us.
Answer #3: We Can Control Our Feelings
Yet another, surprisingly simple – yet practically very difficult – answer is suggested by Rabbenu Bahya. He denies the entire basis of the question, the claim that we cannot control our feelings, our emotional reactions to seeing other people’s successes. Rabbenu Bahya says that we absolutely can control our thoughts and feelings. How? By filling our minds with the thoughts and feelings we are supposed to have. If we think the right way, if we tell ourselves repeatedly that we should be happy for – and not jealous of – other people, then we will. The more we think the right thoughts, the less room there will be for the wrong thoughts.
We might expand this idea a bit further in light of a fascinating discussion in the Gemara, in Masechet Bava Metzia. The Gemara addresses the case of somebody who is on the road and sees two friends struggling and in need of help. One friend is having trouble loading his cargo onto his donkey, and the other needs help unloading his cargo from his donkey because the donkey is unable to stand up due to the heavy burden on its back. In such a case, the Gemara says, one should first help the second friend, since both the friend and the donkey are in need in help. The concern of צער בעלי חיים – alleviating the suffering of animals – makes the plight of the second friend more urgent than that of the first. However, the Gemara makes a very interesting exception to this rule. If the person struggling to load the cargo onto the donkey is one’s enemy, and the person struggling to unload an excessive burden from his donkey is one’s friend, he should help the enemy. In this case, the value of helping one’s enemy, which will have the effect of changing one’s attitude towards this person, overrides the concern of צער בעלי חיים.
The Gemara here is teaching us an amazing – and ever so relevant – lesson. If we have hard feelings towards somebody, and we have reason to dislike him, we can overcome these feelings by going out of our way to do something nice for that person. If we can do something even small that expresses friendship or love, such as a simple gesture or even just a warm smile or sincere compliment, we can ease tensions and change our feelings for that person.
If we feel jealous of somebody, it helps to go against our nature and instincts, and do something nice for that person, or say something complimentary. We actually can control the way we feel. We don’t have to feel resentful; at least, we can feel less resentful. By going out of our way to act towards or speak to the person with special kindness and affection, we will overcome our resentment and feel greater love for him or her.
A Word to the “Haves”
Until now, we have addressed the “have nots,” the siblings who feel jealous of their siblings who seem to be more successful or happier. Now, let’s turn our attention to the “haves.”
If we have people in our family who struggle in certain areas where we do not, we have to use common sense. If a happily married couple is with a sibling who is single, or divorced, or experiencing difficult marital problems, they should not be “lovey dovey” with each other. If a wealthy couple is with a sibling whom they know struggles financially, this is not a time to talk about their vacations, the hotels they stayed in, or the “difficult” decisions they need to make of which fancy car or designer pair of shoes to buy.
This should be fairly obvious, but it is nevertheless a mistake that people often make.
The Gemara alludes to this phenomenon in Masechet Megillah, where it makes an interesting remark about Tamar, the daughter-in-law of Yehudah. Commenting on the famous story of Tamar and Yehudah told in Sefer Bereshit, the Gemara comments that before Tamar was widowed, when she was still married to Yehudah’s son, she was very modest, and even covered her face, such that later Yehudah did not recognize her. On this basis, the Gemara establishes, “any daughter-in-law who is modest in her father-in-law’s home” is rewarded – like Tamar was – with descendants who rise to royal stature. (Tamar was an ancestor of King David.) There is something special about acting modestly in one’s in-laws’ home. Although modesty is, of course, always, important, it seems that we need to be especially careful in this regard around family members, such as in-laws. Why?
The answer might be that people are generally looser and more open around family. When we get together with family members, we pay less attention to how we are dressed, how we speak, and how we act. The Gemara here is instructing us to be careful about the way we dress, act and speak even within the family. It might be natural to be more casual and relaxed around family members, but even so, caution and discretion is needed. We should not allow ourselves to speak freely and openly about everything even when we are with parents-in-law and siblings-in-law.
A lot of sibling rivalries can be avoided if we adhere to this simple lesson. Just as we don’t flaunt our wealth, successes and achievements around strangers, we shouldn’t flaunt them around family members, either. The informal setting of family get-togethers does not make it appropriate to compromise our standards of modesty – not just in terms of dress, but also in terms of the way we act and speak. We need to be careful and sensitive even around family members – and perhaps especially around family members – in order to ensure to avoid jealousy, resentment, friction and strife.
You’re Not the Only One
Another piece of advice when struggling with family issues and strife among siblings is to remember that this is normal. We are not alone.
I don’t have statistics, but I think I know enough people and have helped enough people work through their problems to state with full confidence that a very high percentage of families are plagued by some kind of tension or strife. It’s unpleasant, and of course it’s something we should always be trying to avoid to the best of our ability, but it’s also very normal. One of the important keys to successfully dealing with these problems is not getting too distraught, and recognizing that arguments and jealousy are not uncommon. Even if everything we’ve said so far does not help, and there is still tension and resentment among siblings, it is important to relax. Many, many families have dealt and do deal with these kinds of problems. We are not the only ones. Specifically because siblings want to feel close to one another, it is common for tensions to arise. If all else fails, we need to accept tension among siblings as a normal part of family life, and something which we are fully capable of handling. We should not let it get us down or lead us to something drastic.
It’s Worth It!!
We cannot end this discussion of sibling rivalries without emphasizing one vitally important point: it is worth it!
When tensions in the family arise, it is tempting for the people involved to start wondering if perhaps they should just not bother anymore. Maybe they should just give up on the relationship. If they keep getting upset by their brother, sister, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, mother-in-law or father-in-law, maybe they should just stop talking to each other. But we need to remember that there is no substitute for family relationships. When we need help, when we need a huge favor – our family are the ones that we can turn to. Yes, things are often difficult, complicated and messy in the family. But in the long run, it’s worth it. There is no relationship more valuable and special than a family relationship. So even if at times we find ourselves feeling jealous around a family member, we should bear in mind that these feelings are far outweighed by the beautiful and priceless benefits of close bonds with family members.
Hopefully, we will do everything we can to avoid feelings of jealousy and to avoid evoking feelings of jealousy in our families. By keeping focused on what really matters in life, and on the value and importance of strong relationships within the family, we will truly enjoy and gain from our bonding experiences in the summer – despite the uncomfortable situations that occasionally arise.