It’s that time of year again – when social media in our community is about to go wild.
When January rolls around, and dozens upon dozens of community members take to the airways for their winter getaway, one thing we know is that social media is going to be ablaze with lots and lots of exciting vacation pictures.
And that concerns me. A lot. And this is something which should concern all of us.
Why?
Everything is…Nothing
As we get older, we realize that when a person has everything, very often, he ends up having nothing. When a person can do anything he wants, he ends up doing nothing.
The clearest example of this concept that I can think of is the story of Jack Whittaker.
Jack, a West Virginian, was a successful businessman, who owned a contracting business which employed over 100 people. He was a millionaire several times over.
At 5:45am on December 25, 2002, Jack discovered that he had a winning lottery ticket, and he had just become what was at that time the largest single lottery winner of all time. He won $314.9 million dollars.
The next day, amid a great deal of fanfare, he accepted his check together with his wife, Jewel, his daughter, Ginger, and his 15-year-old granddaughter, Brandi.
Jack spoke about what he would do with the money. He had lofty plans. He spoke of his dream of buying a helicopter and buying his granddaughter a car. One of the first things he did was donate $7 million to local churches, and he later started a foundation which gave $14 million to the children of West Virginia. He also went to the clerk in the store where he bought his winning ticket, and bought her a jeep and a house.
By December 25, 2004 – two years after winning the lottery – Jack’s life was in complete shambles, beset by tragedy, ruin and legal troubles.
He and his wife were in the process of getting divorced, and his granddaughter was dead, the result of a drug overdose.
Over the next few years, Jack had some 400 run-ins with the law, and his daughter was found dead in her home at the age of 42.
Jack had bought his granddaughter several cars, and anytime she asked for money, he gave her $5,000. Her cars were reported to be filled with syringes and drugs, as well as $5 bills and $20 bills strewn all over.
Jack was later reported to have said that he wished he had never purchased that lottery ticket.
As long as Jack earned wealth through hard work, he lived an honorable and happy life. The moment he fell into more money than anybody could ever use, his life began to fall apart.
When a person has everything, he is likely to end up having nothing.
Why is this?
The Slavery of Unlimited Freedom
The answer is, very simply, that this is the way the world is. The world is created in such a way that everything needs limits, a particular form and shape.
The human body works very well with just two arms and two legs. If we had many arms or many legs, we would not be able to function properly. If we had more than two eyes, we would see too much. If we had more than two ears, we would hear too much. We wouldn’t be able to live.
The same is true of the basic framework of life. Life works well when we are limited and constrained, when there is a structure and form – we have things we need to do at certain times, and things which we cannot do. The moment those restrictions, that structure, is taken away, chaos ensues.
That’s exactly what happened to Jack Whittaker.
As long as Jack’s life had a structure and form – working to build and run his successful business – things were good. Before he won the lottery, his life was great, because he lived within normal constraints. But once his life lost that structure, it devolved into utter disarray.
The ability to do anything, to see anything, to have anything – is not freedom. It’s just the opposite – it condemns a person to slavery.
Which brings us to the story of Yetziat Mitzrayim.
At the beginning of the story, we are told that the Jews worked בחומר (“with clay”). The word חומר is understood as a reference to חומריות – physicality. Egypt was a place of physical indulgence. It offered people everything. In Egypt, people could have everything they wanted whenever they wanted it. When the Rabbis speak of the Jews sinking to the “49th level of impurity” (מ"ט שערי טומאה) in Egypt, this is what they mean. It was a life of unbridled indulgence.
And this is why Egypt was a place of bondage and slavery. It was a place where you had everything – and so you had nothing.
The word מצרים comes from the word מיצר, which means “boundary” or “constraint.” This is what Egypt was – a place of Jack Whittakers. It was a place where you had so much freedom that you were trapped and enslaved.
The name פרעה comes from the root פרע, which means “open.” Everything was so free and open in Egypt, that it was a מיצר – a place of bondage.
Until the time of Yetziat Mitzrayim, not a single Jew was able to leave Egypt alive. For 210 years, they were trapped. They went there willingly, but once they were there, they were trapped. The unlimited freedom enslaved them!
This might be why water plays such an important role in the story of Yetziat Mitzrayim. Moshe is named because מן המים משיתיהו – he was drawn from the water. The first plague is the transformation of water to blood. And after the Jews left Egypt, the Egyptian army drowned in water.
Water represents the lack of shape and structure. Without being constrained, water just falls and splatters all over. It needs to be contained and limited. Moshe Rabbenu was drawn from the water because this was precisely his job – to take the Jews out of the “water,” out of the chaos of Egypt. And so the Jews passed through dry land when the water split, but the Egyptians drowned. The Jews left the “water,” the state of chaos that was Egypt, and those who remained “drowned” in the unlimited freedom – just like Jack Whittaker.
Not Everything is Meant to be Published!!
This is the problem with social media – there are no limits.
It is פרעה – completely open and unrestrained, and so it becomes a מיצר – it enslaves us!
There’s a saying that goes something like this:
Not everything that is thought should be said.
Not everything that is said should be written.
Not everything that is written should be printed.
Not everything that is printed should be published.
Imagine how scary our lives would be if the people around us knew what is in our minds. Imagine if a husband and wife always knew what the other was thinking about him or her. Imagine if our kids always knew what we were thinking about them. Imagine if our parents always knew what we were thinking about them. Imagine if our friends, our neighbors, our coworkers, our siblings and siblings-in-law always knew what we were thinking about them. Life would be miserable!
Not everything that is thought should be said. Social life works well when we set reasonable limits on what we say, what we show, and what we share.
The notion of “reasonable limits” is foreign to the world of social media. Too many people who post on social media have no semblance of self-restraint. They share way, way too much.
People who post on social media are out to get “likes.” And so they need to post material that grabs people’s interest and attention.
When girls post on Instagram, what kind of pictures do they post? They try to dress and pose like they’re on a magazine cover. This is shocking! We have many good, committed community girls sharing attention-grabbing pictures of themselves with hundreds upon hundreds of people. Is this what we want???
And even if a picture is innocent, this does not necessarily mean that it should be shared with thousands of people.
Once, during a trip to Israel, I went hiking with friends in Ein Gedi, and we stood under the waterfall. One of the men, for fun, put me in a headlock under the fall. I responded by splashing him. We were having a great time. Them, somebody snapped a picture.
I would not want that picture shared with hundreds of people. I would not want my students or my congregants seeing that picture. It’s not that there was anything wrong with what I did. I didn’t do anything wrong. I would do it again, happily. But not everything I do should be shared with people. Not everything we do is meant for public consumption!
People don’t realize how they are ruining their reputations, and their futures, through social media. Unrestrained social media posting causes havoc. An 18-year-old posts something inappropriate or outlandish – and at 21 or 22, when he or she is dating or looking for a job, it is right there for all to see.
This is what we might call the “Jack Whittaker effect.” When we are completely free and unrestrained, we trap ourselves and can end up ruining our lives!!
What Do You Think is Going Through Their Minds?
There is also another vitally important factor to consider before posting on social media.
I think I am old enough and have become close enough to enough people to be able to state the following rule with full confidence:
If you have something which somebody in your life doesn’t have, then that person feels jealous!!
It doesn’t mean that person is a bad person. It means he’s human.
· If you have a great marriage, then somebody close to you is jealous.
· If you are wealthy, or even just financially secure, then somebody close to you is jealous.
· If you have outstanding, successful children, then somebody close to you is jealous.
· If you have a beautiful home, then somebody close to you is jealous.
· If you are going on an exciting vacation, then somebody close to you is jealous.
You might not realize that the person is jealous. And that person might be mature enough to handle it well and not show it in any way. But if you have something in your life which somebody close to you does not have – such as a great marriage, great kids, or wealth – it is all but guaranteed that at least one person feels some kind of jealousy.
I know that because of the story of Moshe and his brother, Aharon.
Moshe was forced to flee Egypt, and many years later, Hashem appeared to him at the burning bush and appointed him leader of the Jewish People, whom he would leave out of Egypt. Moshe’s older brother, Aharon, who had been in Egypt all these years and was the leader, would now be his assistant.
Hashem then told Moshe something remarkable about Aharon: וראך ושמח בלבו – he would celebrate Moshe’s appointment as leader. He was the older brother, but he was not jealous of Moshe. He did not resent being Moshe’s assistant. He was happy for Moshe.
The Rabbis teach us that this was Aharon’s greatest moment. Because his heart felt joy – instead of jealousy – when his younger brother was appointed leader, he was given the privilege of wearing on his chest the most sacred article of clothing ever worn by a human being – the חושן (breastplate).
This was Aharon’s greatest moment because avoiding jealousy is almost superhuman. It is not normal to see somebody close to you have something that you don’t have, and not feel even a tinge of jealousy. Aharon did it. But few, if any, of us can do that.
We need to think about that when we use social media. We need to think about that very, very carefully.
When a woman buys a $600 pair of shoes and posts a picture on social media, what does she think her hundreds of followers are saying? Does she think they’re saying, “Wow, those are so nice!”
When a couple posts a picture of their vacation in Paris, with the wife wearing a mink coat, what do they think the people who cannot afford a vacation or a mink coat, or who do not have a happy marriage, are saying? “Wow, I’m so happy for you!”? Really?
When a woman is in her small apartment seeing pictures of her friend’s luxury vacation with her husband, what is going through her mind? Can we not assume that she’s thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if my husband could afford to take me on a vacation like that!”?
And what is going through the husband’s mind, knowing that this is what his wife is seeing?
Imagine taking pictures during vacation, then developing them at Walgreens, making 600 copies, and going around giving them out to 600 friends and family members. Would anyone do such a thing?
Imagine a couple gets married, takes fifty pictures of themselves during their honeymoon, develops them, makes copies, and then goes over to every one of their unmarried friends and hands them the pictures. Would anyone do such a thing?
Well, this is exactly what sharing pictures on social media is. It is sticking our joy and success in other people’s faces. Is that nice? What are we thinking??? What do we think is going through people’s minds when they see these pictures?
Do we want to make people jealous? Do we want people to resent us? Do we want to make people feel uncomfortable?
The Way a Jew is Supposed to Think
We are supposed to be better than that. We are supposed to be thoughtful and to carefully consider how our actions affect people. We are to limit ourselves, so that we can be truly free.
In 1970, a Rabbi in Israel died at a relatively young age, leaving behind a wife and a very large family. His widow decided to send their young son to study in the Telz Yeshiva in Cleveland, where the deceased’s brother, Rav Baruch Sorotzkin, served as Rosh Yeshiva. The boy, Michael, spent a number of years in the yeshiva, under the close care and tutelage of his uncle.
He then left and studied in other American yeshivot, but he and his uncle remained in very close contact. Eventually, in 1979, his uncle suggested a match for the young man, a girl from Cleveland. The two met, and they decided to get married.
Several months later, before the wedding, the boy’s mother – who still lived in Israel – fell gravely ill. Despite her condition, she still planned on flying to the United States for her son’s wedding.
But one Sunday – exactly one week before the wedding date – the groom phoned his mother in Israel to find out how she was doing. The family informed him that she had been rushed to the hospital. By that afternoon, she had died.
The young man heard the news, and his head started spinning.
Alongside his grief and sorrow, he had so many questions. What does he do now? If he remained in America, he could begin observing shivah on Monday, and then finish Sunday morning, so he could get married Sunday night. But maybe he should fly to Israel for the funeral, in which case he would begin sitting shivah only after the funeral, and would then have to delay his wedding.
Not knowing what to do, he called Rav Moshe Feinstein, who was, indisputably, the greatest halachic scholar in the United States at that time. He explained to the Rabbi his problem.
Rav Moshe advised him to remain in the U.S. and begin observing shivah immediately so he could get married at the scheduled time.
That Friday afternoon, before Shabbat, the man called Rav Moshe again with a number of questions he had about his situation, regarding the completion of shivah and his wedding. Rav Moshe answered all the questions, wished him well, and then hung up.
A few minutes later, Rav Moshe called the young man back, placing an urgent person-to-person call.
“Sorry to bother you,” the Rabbi said, “but there is one last thing, something very important which I need to tell you.”
He explained that it is customary in that community for a groom to send flowers to his bride’s home on the Erev Shabbat before the wedding, and the bride has some friends join her for that Shabbat. As a mourner, the Rabbi said, this young man was not allowed to send gifts, and so he could not send his bride flowers.
“I am concerned,” the Rabbi continued, “that when your bride is with her friends over Shabbat, and the friends notice that the groom had not sent flowers, one of the friends might make a comment about it, which will be hurtful for your bride. What I suggest you do is call one of her friends and ask her to send flowers on your behalf. This way, she will not be without flowers on this special Shabbat.”
This is the way a Jew is supposed to think. We are supposed to worry about things like this – about how other people will feel, how they might be hurt, and about what we can do to prevent that from happening.
The next time we plan on posting something on social media, let’s take a moment, or – even better – several moments, to think about what we are posting. Hundreds of people are going to see what we post. It is all but guaranteed that some of those people are either not married, or not very happily married. It is all but guaranteed that some of those people do not have children, or are having serious problems with their children. It is all but guaranteed that some of those people are struggling financially. It is all but guaranteed that some of those people do not have everything that we have.
One of the messages of Yetziat Mitzrayim is that limits give us freedom. Life is happy and fulfilling when we control ourselves, when we do not let ourselves do everything and share everything. If we – or our children – are using social media, let’s use it responsibly, with limits, and not let it run wild, so we can live with true freedom and true joy.