Staying Focused
Rabbi Joey Haber
Why are there so many people who feel dissatisfied and empty, despite having a family, a secure livelihood, and beautiful home?
Should we be striving to do “everything,” as much as we possibly can, or is it preferable to set a small number of goals that we strive to achieve to the best of our ability?
How do we know which goals to set for ourselves? What if we are unsure which ones are right for us?
If I had to identify the main cause for why so many of us lack a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment in life, I would point to our lack of focus and direction. We are pulled in a million different directions, between payments the need to be made, errands we need to run, children who need us, parents who need us, neighbors, community, and so on. Our days are consumed by the never-ending “to do list” which we are constantly trying to finish, usually in vain. When this defines our life – the endless, futile effort to cross everything off the list – we cannot feel fulfilled or accomplished.
I saw it written somewhere that most of us today “are doing things we detest to buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” There’s a great deal of truth to this statement, and it is small wonder, then, that so many people go through life dissatisfied. The way to change this trend is to shift from the undisciplined pursuit of more to the disciplined pursuit of better; to stop celebrating the value of being busy as a measurement of importance, and to begin celebrating the time we take to make our lives meaningful; to have the courage to live lives that are true to ourselves, to who we really are.
Why is this so difficult? Why do so many of us make this mistake of living just to survive, without experiencing any sense of meaning, purpose or fulfillment? And how can we overcome this tendency and live with vigor and excitement?
לך לך
A number of experts have observed that most people are driven to do what they do primarily by three interests: to avoid pain, to experience pleasure, and to gain acceptance. We make our decisions in life with the aim of avoiding pain – not just physical pain, but also the pain of humiliation, failure, inadequacy and rejection – experiencing pleasure, and feeling the comfort and respect of being an accepted member of a group. These constant drives pull us away from self-actualization, from pursuing and achieving meaningful goals that bring us satisfaction and lend life a sense of meaning and purpose.
The Jewish Nation was born when G-d commanded Avraham Avinu, לך לך מארצך וממולדתך ומבית אביך אל הארץ אשר אראך – “Go forth from your land, from your birthplace, and from your father’s home, to a land which I will show you.” The Zohar teaches us that this command is directed not just to Avraham Avinu, but to each and every one of us. The most basic, elementary obligation we each have as Jews is the obligation of לך לך, to have the courage to leave our current “comfort zone,” to stop mindlessly following our current course in life, and to make certain changes.
Interestingly, Hashem does not just command Avraham to leave, but rather specifies that he must leave 1) his land; 2) his birthplace; and 3) his father’s home. Hashem calls out to each and every of us and implores us to have the courage to leave our “land” – our source of pleasure and enjoyment; our “birthplace” – the place where we seek protection from any sort of pain and discomfort; and our “father’s home” – the group which gives us a sense of belonging. In order to live a meaningful life, we need to rise above the natural tendency to just avoid pain, experience pleasure, and gain acceptance. If we focus only on these three goals, then we will never experience fulfillment; we will find ourselves constantly just struggling to survive. We need to have the strength and courage to leave our “comfort zone” in the pursuit of goals which will bring us a real sense of accomplishment and gratification.
Hashem wants each and every one of us to go, to chart a course, to live life as a journey. We are to live in a manner of לך לך, traveling on a road to a specific destination. We should not spend life in ארצך, מולדתך, בית אביך – without going anywhere, without moving towards a goal. Too many of us live life as though running on a treadmill – working very hard just to stay in place. We should be working hard to reach a destination, to realize meaningful goals.
How do we change our lives from a life of running on a treadmill to a life of running towards a finish line? How can we stop living to survive, and begin living with a sense of purpose and mission?
Zoning In
The first step is to carefully identify the roles that we seek to fill. We all have several different roles, such as spouse, parent, child, sibling, employee, employer, business owner, community member, and so on. We need to pinpoint precisely which roles we wish to fill, which jobs we take upon ourselves. This first step is vitally important because by identifying what our roles are, we can identify the roles which we cannot fill.
Nobody can do everything. The notion of a “Superwoman,” a woman who does everything and does it all well, is a misnomer. There is no such thing. There is not a single person on earth who can do everything well. It is just impossible.
By zoning in on the roles we feel we need to fill, we can forget the roles which we cannot, without any guilt or reservations. I know this very well, because I myself went through this process. Once upon a time, I wanted to be everything and do everything. At a certain point, however, I realized that I couldn’t, and this marked a most significant turning point in my life. I was able to zone in and focus on the roles I feel I should fill, and not get bogged down and distracted by other roles. For example, very often there are messages that go out with requests to do favors and run errands for people. Not once have I ever responded and done the favor. Likewise, I don’t always answer the phone. And I have received complaints from people because I do not always answer my phone when it rings. This is not because I am not a nice, caring person. It is because I recognize my limits and I understand that I cannot do everything for everyone and be available for everyone at every minute. We all need to set limits. If we try to do everything, we end up doing nothing well. We need to carefully identify which roles we are able to fill, and which roles we cannot fill.
Everybody needs to set limits, including the greatest Torah sages. Hacham Ovadia Yosef filled several vitally important roles, and he filled them as well as anybody could have possibly expected. But he did not have his own yeshiva where he taught students. He did not see this as his role. He was a great posek (halachic decisor) and a public figure, but did not run a yeshiva. Rav Chaim Kanievsky, who is probably the most knowledgeable Torah scholar alive today, makes himself available for people seeking advice and guidance for only a very short period of time each day. He understands that his role is to amass great Torah knowledge, and so he needs to limit the amount of time he is available for consultation. Rav Aharon Kotler, one of the great builders of Torah in the United States, who founded the Lakewood Yeshiva, was not a posek. This was not a role he took upon himself, as he decided he should be focusing on other roles.
This is true not only of Torah achievements, but also of success in life generally. I read that if one had invested in a company in 1972, the company that would have yielded the greatest return on the investment is Southwestern Airline. This airline decided that it would fly to only a select few destinations, would not serve meals, and would not have a First Class or Business Class. It decided to focus on a very narrow, specific goal – offering inexpensive flights to a small group of destinations – and to work towards achieving it at the highest possible standard. And its success far surpassed that of all other airlines.
We, too, need to identify the roles that we should be filling, the goals we need to pursue, and focus our attention on those goals. Once we identify our roles, we have a road, a journey that we travel upon. This is the first critical step to living a life of לך לך, a life that is a journey, that is geared towards a goal or series of goals, rather than a life of distraction and disorder, juggling an endless amount of things without ever achieving specific goals. When we identify a small group of specific objectives, and focus our attention squarely on those objectives, we transform our lives into a journey. The difference is between someone who drives aimlessly, driving towards any place he sees which catches his interest, and driving with a GPS, focused on reaching a destination.
Identifying the Purpose
The Gemara in Masechet Bava Metzia tells that Rabbi Hiyya prided himself over ensuring the continuity of Torah. He explained that he did this by planting seeds and producing flax, from which he made nets that he used to catch deer. He slaughtered the deer, fed the meat to the poor, and used the skins as parchment for Torah scrolls. He wrote Humashim and Mishnayot on this parchment, and used these texts to teach Torah to Jewish children. After teaching a group of children, he instructed them to share their knowledge with others. In this way, he ensured the survival of Torah.
What I find most fascinating about this account is the fact that Rabbi Hiyya started from the very beginning, from planting seeds. When he planted seeds, watered them, harvested flax, set the traps, and slaughtered the deer, he did so with his lofty goal in mind. Once he set the specific, ambitious goal of disseminating Torah, every detail – including watering seeds – became part of this exciting journey. He went about the work of planting, harvesting, trapping, slaughtering and skinning with rigor and enthusiasm, realizing that he was doing all this in the pursuit of a lofty, meaningful purpose.
This is the second step, after identifying the various roles that we fill: we need to precisely define the “job description” of each role. The description must be specific, ambitious and exciting.
For example, a mother should define her role as not merely “take care of my kids,” but rather as something more precise. It might be, “to have an energized home,” or “to raise my children to be_____.” A wife should not define her role as merely packing her husband’s lunches, doing his laundry and cooking meals. She might define her role as “to see to it that my husband gets out of bed in the morning with excitement and enthusiasm.”
If somebody sees as one of his roles being a “hesed personality,” he needs to come up with a more precise definition than “being there for everybody.” Let’s face it – if we set out to be there for everybody, then we won’t be available for anybody. Instead, somebody aspiring to fill the role of a “hesed personality” needs to choose a small number of specific projects that he will focus on, and define for himself what the purpose of these projects is. For example, if a woman chooses to bake hallah for families in need, she might define the purpose as, “to help a needy family experience the holiness of Shabbat.” Once she defines this as her purpose, she will be excited at every step along the way – when she goes to the store to purchase the ingredients, when she sifts the flour, when she braids the loaves, and so on. Each and every detail is geared towards this exalted purpose of helping another family experience the special holiness of Shabbat.
My job is to teach Torah classes. If I define my role as simply, “to give good classes,” then I will have a very hard time getting excited and energized about my work. Every time I sit down to prepare, I will feel burdened and pressured. Instead, I define my role as “to give classes to help people live the best way possible.” This is a very specific, ambitious and exciting goal. When this is what I aspire to, then my work becomes energized. Every moment I spend preparing, studying and traveling to deliver a class is infused with meaning, purpose, and a sense of mission.
If parents define their role as simply “raising my children,” then every tantrum, every trip to the doctor, and every meeting with a teacher is a chore. But if they define their role as “raising children to become inspired Jews who can inspire others,” then every bit of work is exciting and fulfilling. It turns everything they do into an exciting journey, and every responsibility into a vitally important leg along that journey.
If a mother sees carpool as part of her role to “care for her children,” then it won’t be very meaningful or fulfilling. But if she defines her job more ambitiously, then she will use this time productively, such as by making a point to bond with the child after the other children are dropped off.
Imagine a CEO whose job it is to manage one hundred employees. He comes into work one morning, and his secretary tells him that one employee wants to speak about the possibility of a raise, another’s wife is seriously ill, and a third wants a promotion. If he defines his job as simply “managing employees,” he has three headaches to deal with before he even gets to his desk. But imagine if he defines his job – or part of his job – as “empowering and caring for one hundred hard-working people and their families.” He would then invite the first employee into his office and explain that although the business cannot afford the significant raise he requests, he can perhaps receive a modest raise, or some other benefit or perk to help his family. He might then meet with the second employee to arrange a work schedule that allows him to care for his ailing wife and his family without placing a strain on the office. He would then speak to the third employee and stipulate what he needs to do to earn the desired promotion. These meetings won’t be “headaches” at all, but rather part of an exciting and rewarding journey of helping people. Once we live life on a journey towards ambitious goals, every step is energized and suffused with meaning and purpose, resulting in a far more fulfilling life.
Keeping Our Eyes on the Road
The story is told of a man who decided he wanted to learn to be a racecar driver. He made contact with an experienced racecar teacher, and he began taking lessons. He learned very quickly how to control the car while driving at high speed, and got the impression that there was very little challenge involved.
Just at that point, however, the driver told him that there is a crucial next step which he must take.
“You need to learn what to do when something goes wrong,” he said, “how you handle the situation when the car spins out of control.”
He explained to the student that when the car spins out of control, the instinct is to concentrate on avoiding the wall. This is very natural. After all, if the car hits the wall, the driver could die. But this is wrong, the teacher noted. When the car is spinning, the driver should not be thinking about the wall at all. To the contrary, his focus should be directed exclusively towards the road. The road is what will save him. He needs to find the road and resume his course. This is what the driver must do in order to save himself when there’s trouble.
This is true of life generally. When we feel our lives spinning out of control – something we all experience at various points – the only way to get out of the situation is to find the road, to put ourselves back on the journey. If we lose sight of our direction, of what it is we want to accomplish, our lives will spin and we will eventually crash. The best way to handle the pressures and burdens of life is to stay focused on the road, on the journey, on the course we have charted for ourselves, and realize that every ounce of effort we invest is a crucial part of that journey, and is leading us towards our exciting goal. When we live with this perspective, we live with a gratifying sense of purpose and mission.
Begging for Wisdom
When G-d commanded Avraham to leave his homeland, He did not tell him where he was to go. Instead, He told him to travel אל הארץ אשר אראך – “to the land which I will show you.” As Rashi notes, Hashem did not name the destination – Eretz Yisrael – in order to increase his reward, as he journeyed into a future of uncertainty, not knowing where he would end up.
As important as it is to set for ourselves meaningful and ambitious goals, we must also recognize that nothing in life can ever be predicted. News stations pay enormous salaries to political analysts so they could predict how events will unfold and which candidates will win. As we found out last year, these predictions are not worth very much. Life and the world are so complex, and subject to so many different factors, that there is almost nothing that can be predicted with any degree of accuracy.
For this reason, the very first request we make each morning in our Amidah prayer is חננו מאתך חכמה בינה ודעת – that Hashem should grant us wisdom. We beg Hashem for clarity, for vision, for the wisdom and insight we need to chart our course and know where we need to go. We ask that just as He directed Avraham towards Eretz Yisrael, the place he needed to go, He should guide us, to, in the direction we need to follow to fulfill our purpose and find fulfillment. We pray that at those moments when we lack clarity, when we cannot see the ארץ, our intended destination, and we feel unable to confidently chart the course that is best and most suitable for us, Hashem will grant us the wisdom and insight we need, and show us, as He showed Avraham, where we need to go.
Some people have the custom when searching for something they had lost to recite a prayer asking G-d to assist them. The text of this prayer has its origins in the story of Hagar, Avraham’s second wife, who left Avraham’s home with her son, Yishmael, and they ran out of the war. Yishmael nearly died of dehydration, but just then G-d showed Hagar a well, which saved his life. The Torah relates, ויפקח אלוקים את עיניה ותרא באר מים – “G-d opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water.” The Midrash, as cited in this prayer which people say when trying to find a lost object, brings a comment made by Rabbi Binyamin regarding this verse: הכל בחזקת סומין עד שהקדוש ברוך הוא מאיר את עיניהם – “Everybody is in a presumed state of blindness until the Almighty illuminates their eyes.”
Just as Hagar could not see the source of water she desperately needed until Hashem opened her eyes, similarly, we are incapable of seeing what we need to see to live our lives meaningfully without Hashem’s assistance. We need to constantly pray for Hashem to grant us this clarity and vision, to show us the course which is right for us, so that we can live our lives with direction, with focus and with purposefulness, and this will allow us to live with enthusiasm, with vigor, with genuine joy, and with a true sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.
Summary
The primary cause of the sense of unfulfillment that so many people experience is the lack of direction and purpose. We need to carefully and narrowly define which roles we wish to fill in our lives, and which roles we leave to others. If we try doing everything, then we will end up doing nothing well.
Once we’ve identified the roles, we must then define for ourselves the lofty purpose of each role, so that each and every step along the journey is suffused with meaning, purpose, energy and enthusiasm. Just as importantly, we need to understand that life is, by nature, unpredictable, and we will therefore never know with certainty where life will take us. We must constantly pray to Hashem for His ongoing guidance, vision and wisdom, so that we make the right decisions for ourselves, choose the roles which are best suited for us, and achieve them in the best way possible.