I once sat a meeting with several prominent community members, who had a disagreement about a certain statistic. I really, really hope that they’re both wrong.
One person said that some 50 percent of the people in our community spend more than they earn. Another person said it’s more like 80 percent.
Either way, this is staggering.
Why would anybody spend more than they earn?! What do they think will happen?! That money will fall down from the sky whenever they need it?!
This is a very real and pressing problem in our community, one which we need to try to understand, and which we need to try to solve – and the sooner the better!
Pharaoh’s Very Strange Question
Parashat Vayigash tells the story of Yaakov Avinu and his family coming to live in Egypt with Yosef. When the family arrived, Yosef took Yaakov to meet Pharaoh.
It turned out to be a very short meeting. Pharaoh saw Yaakov and asked just one question: כמה ימי שני חייך – “How old are you?”
There was no “Hello, nice to meet you,” or “How was your trip from Canaan?” All Pharaoh said was, “How old are you?”
This was the father of the closest person to Pharaoh. And this was all Pharaoh had to say?!
Yaakov’s response is also very strange. Instead of simply answering question, Yaakov proceeded to complain about his life. He told Pharaoh he was 130 years old, and then said that his life was very hard and he would not be living as long as his father or grandfather.
Pharaoh had asked only about his age. Why is Yaakov giving a whole speech about his difficult life?
Afterward, the Torah says, Yaakov gave Pharaoh a blessing, and then left. The Rabbis explain that Yaakov blessed Pharaoh that the Nile River should overflow its banks and fill the canals in order to irrigate the entire country. In other words, Yaakov blessed Pharaoh that his country should enjoy prosperity. He then left.
That’s it?! Why was this meeting so short? These two men had NOTHING else to talk about?!
Wealth Today, Misery Tomorrow
Among the various answers that have been given, I would like to present one, which gives us some important insight into human nature.
Yaakov’s grandfather, Avraham Avinu, had received a prophecy from Hashem that, apparently, became well-known. He was told that his descendants would be oppressed in a foreign land, and then Hashem would punish their oppressors and bring the Jews out of that country with all that country’s wealth. Meaning, this country would enjoy great wealth and prosperity, but would then lose it all when it is punished for enslaving Beneh Yisrael.
There is also another aspect of this prophecy which was well-known – that the oppression would begin after Yaakov’s death. (Egypt began oppressing Beneh Yisrael after Yaakov died, and they became slaves after all of Yaakov’s sons died.)
Pharaoh knew all this, and this is why he asked Yaakov about his age.
He wanted to be that country, which would be very successful, enslaving thousands of people and having them build cities. And so when he saw Yaakov, he asked – not very politely – if he would be dying soon. He was eager to know if Egypt would be the “lucky” country that would be very wealthy and powerful by having the Jews as their slaves.
Yaakov assured Pharaoh that he would, in fact, be dying soon, that he was already old and that he had a very difficult life, so he would not live much longer.
Basically, Yaakov was putting the keys on the table. He was telling Pharaoh, “You want to be that country that would oppress my descendants? You got it!”
And Pharaoh was basically saying, “Yes! I’m in! Sign me up!”
This is what this conversation was about, and this is why Yaakov gave Pharaoh a blessing of prosperity – because this was the “deal” that Pharaoh wanted.
Of course, Pharaoh made a very big mistake. The great “deal” he was so excited about was “wealth now, misery later.”
He knew that the success and power his kingdom would enjoy was not going to last. Eventually, the country would be decimated, and the Jews would leave with all the kingdom’s money. But it didn’t matter to Pharaoh. He lived in the “here and now.” He craved the wealth and power, and so he didn’t think about the devastation in the future.
Sounds crazy? You bet. But it’s not just Pharaoh – we do this all the time, too!
The Yellow Car Syndrome
I once read a book that described what the author called “the yellow car syndrome.”
This syndrome is named after the cool yellow car that one of his buddies bought when he was in college. This friend got a job that paid $40,000 – a TON of money for a college-age kid who is basically supported by his parents. This fellow used his extra money – of which there was a lot – to buy a yellow car.
All his friends were jealous. They had no money of their own, busy as they were with college, without time for a job. They “oohed” and “ahhed” at the sight of their friend driving his wonderful $30,000 car.
Fast forward 20 years – and all the friends had successful careers with high-paying jobs, and this poor fellow was still stuck in his $40,000 job.
He was cool as an 18-year-old kid – but he sacrificed his future for that temporary state of coolness.
A truly mind-boggling study was once done involving Olympic athletes. They were asked while training for the Olympics if they would be willing to take a pill that guaranteed them a gold medal, but would cause them to die by the age of 55. Incredibly, 75 percent (!!!!!!!!) answered that they would. Three out of four athletes preferred a gold medal over living past 55!
How do we explain that?
Athletes in the midst of training for the Olympics are hyper-focused on this one goal – bringing home the gold. They don’t see anything else. They can’t see past the Olympics. 55? They’re not thinking about enjoying retirement traveling the world with grandchildren. All that matters at that moment is the gold medal.
The saddest part is – so many of us do the exact same thing.
Yes, the exact same thing!
We are impulsive. We see something, we want it, we feel we need it, and we buy it. We sacrifice our family’s financial future for the here and now!!
Responsible people limit their spending in the present so they can put away money for the future. In our community, people don’t do that. The attitude is, “We’ll spend what we want now, and we’ll worry about the future some other time.”
That’s nuts.
People buy another car, another house, go on vacation…without any concern about the future. They do it because “this is our way, this is the way we do things.”
This is crazy!
We are like Pharaoh.
We’re impulsive. We don’t think. We don’t plan. We see only the present. We get excited by the thrill of success, without thinking about what this means for the future.
I know men who have been unemployed for months, and in some cases, years – and yet they drive cars that cost $700 a month. I feel like asking them, “What are you doing?! What are you thinking?! Does this make any sense to you?!”
Is this who we want to be??? Do we want to be so foolish???
People get a raise, or a large bonus, and they run to spend it all. Then, when another child comes along, or when their children grow up and it’s time to pay for high school tuition, or weddings, they’re stuck. And it’s all their fault, because they didn’t have any foresight. They didn’t think, they didn’t plan.
Telling Kids “No!”
It is especially frightening that we are setting a terrible example for our children, leaving them with the mistaken and dangerous impression that anytime we want something, we can have it.
One year, at my in-laws’ Hanukah party, we played a game where everybody had to guess the number of dreidels in a vase. The one whose guess was the closest to the actual number – but without exceeding the number – wins $100.
My 11-year-old son gave the closest guess – 183. The problem was that the actual number was 182. He had gone over the number, so he dd not win. Instead, my brother-in-law, who guessed 179, won the $100.
My son, to put it mildly, had a fit.
“What does he need $100 for??” he bellowed, talking about his uncle. “I’m a kid. I can really use this money. And, I had the closest guess. It’s not fair!!!”
He was so upset that I was very tempted to just give him something to calm him down.
But then I figured – to the contrary, this is a great life lesson for him. In life, you don’t always get what you want.
Sometimes, it’s ok – and appropriate – to tell a child, “NO! You cannot have that.” Even if the parents can afford it, they still need to say “NO,” if for no other reason than to train the children not to have everything they want – which is one of the most important skills we need to teach them, and ourselves. Our kids do not need to be driving $50,000 cars when they’re 17, no matter how wealthy their parents are.
Unfortunately, many parents not only fail to teach this to their children – but they also set the precise opposite example, failing to exercise their own self-control when it comes to spending money.
One of the reasons why so many kids today are taking drugs is because it feels good at the moment and the harm it causes is only in the distant future – and our kids have been trained to act impulsively, to see only the here and now, without worrying about the future. This is a very dangerous trend that we need to stop!
So what do we do? How do we solve this disturbing problem? What steps can we take to overcome our impulsive natures, and restore common-sense fiscal discipline and restraint?
1) Practice makes perfect!
Perhaps before we try disciplining ourselves throughout our entire lives, we should practice by trying to discipline ourselves for a few minutes – when we pray and when we recite birkat ha’mazon.
I have often joked that there are three versions of birkat ha’mazon: Sefaradi, Ashkenazi, and “huh-huh-huh.” The “huh-huh-huh” version is when half-a-minute into birkat ha’mazon we start going “huh-huh-huh” to try to tell somebody something without actually saying the words.
Birkat Ha’mazon takes all of four minutes, but we have trouble disciplining ourselves for those four minutes. And the same is true about prayer in the synagogue. It’s hard for us to go ten minutes without talking to or motioning to somebody in shul.
This is a simple, brief, relatively easy exercise in self-control that we can do each and every day, several times a day – to recite our prayers and birkat ha’mazon without interruptions or distractions. This is a great way to at least begin our effort to gain control over ourselves and become less impulsive.
2) Stop complaining!
The Rabbis teach that when Yaakov arrived in Egypt, and he and Yosef were reunited after not seeing each other for 22 years, Yosef cried, but Yaakov didn’t cry – because he was busy reciting Shema.
Isn’t this strange timing? Is it possible that Yaakov didn’t have time to recite Shema before then?? And he couldn’t wait until after he said hello to his beloved son??
The answer is that this was precisely the time to recite Shema, to express that ה' אלוקינו ה' אחד – there is just one G-d!
Many people in the ancient world believed that there are two gods – a god of good, and a god of evil. We, of course, believe that everything – even what seems negative – is brought about by the one, true, merciful, benevolent G-d. At the moment when Yaakov was finally reunited with Yosef, he really felt this. He finally saw the whole picture, understanding how this entire story was part of Hashem’s master plan. And so He recognized that ה' אלוקינו ה' אחד – there is only one G-d, that there is no difference at all between ה' – the attribute of mercy – and אלוקינו – the attribute of justice. It is all ה' אחד – Hashem’s kindness. This is why he said Shema at this moment.
One of the ways we can overcome our natural tendency to buy everything we want is by reminding ourselves of this message.
So often, we get upset and start lamenting when something goes a little wrong – the weather is bad, there’s traffic, we can’t find something we need, a child is acting up, or some other problem. Every time we complain – at least when we complain over relatively trivial and normal problems – we subconsciously reinforce for ourselves, and for our children, the message that everything is really supposed to be perfect, that we expect everything to work out just fine all the time. We reinforce our impatience and our impulsivity, our desperate need to have everything exactly the way we want it.
Let’s try to save our complaining for the real problems, and show a bit more patience when we face little problems. This will go a very long way towards eliminating our impulsive instincts.
3) Think it through!
When Yosef sent his brothers from Egypt to bring Yaakov and their families, he instructed them, אל תרגזו בדרך, which literally means, “Don’t argue along the way.” Rashi, however, explains this to mean, “Don’t reach any halachic decisions along the road.”
Why is Yosef telling this to his brothers? Of all the things to tell them at this dramatic, emotional moment, why is he warning them not to reach halachic decisions during their trip?
Yosef knew that when the brothers sold him as a slave many years earlier, this was an impulsive decision. They rashly concluded that this was what they needed to do, that this was what Yosef deserved, and this was the right thing for the family. It looked right at the moment, but later it was clear that this was a terrible mistake. Yosef now told them, “Don’t be so impulsive! Don’t reach such drastic conclusions on the fly, when you’re out on the road, away from home, without our father or other scholars to give you advice!”
We need to stop making rash decisions, without thinking things through. Before we pull out our credit card to make a purchase, we need to stop and think. We need to ask ourselves, “Do I really need this? Is this really worth the expense? Am I so confident that I can afford this? Is this something that I can really use, or am I just trying to fit in with everybody else?”
A purchase might seem like a great idea at the moment, but several days, weeks, months or even years later, it might end up being a disaster. We need to stop and think.
Of course, it’s a lot easier and more convenient not to think, just to act on impulse without considering the consequences. But this is very foolish.
I was once in a hotel room with a friend of mine who smokes. A commercial came on the television about the dangers of smoking. My friend said, “Ah, it’s all nonsense!”
This is what happens – we prefer just not to think about whether what we’re doing is smart, and so we end up acting irresponsibly and paying for it later.
If we would just stop and think, we would be so much better off!
How Much is a Minute Worth?
There is one final insight which, I believe, can help us change our spending culture.
One of the Rabbis in the Hafetz Haim’s yeshiva fell gravely ill, and the students wanted to do something to help. They decided that they would all donate some time from their lives to give to this Rabbi, so he would live longer. Some boys donated a few hours, some a few days, some a few months or even a few years.
Finally, they went to their revered Rosh Yeshiva, the Hafetz Haim, to ask him for his donation. Knowing how selfless and generous he was, they were eager to see the size of his donation.
The great sage told the students to come back the next day.
The young men were surprised by the Rabbi’s response, but they agreed, and returned the following day to ask what he would donate.
“I’m happy to donate one minute,” the Hafetz Haim said.
The boys were stunned. “Just one minute?!”
The Rabbi explained, “If you understood what a person can accomplish in just a single minute, you would understand how hard it was for me to be willing to donate one minute, and how long I needed to think before being willing to give it up.”
Maybe part of our problem is that we don’t sufficiently value each minute, the little things, and so we feel the need to obtain big things.
Before spending money on an expensive new piece of furniture, let’s ask ourselves, “Is the old one really that bad?”
Before spending money to renovate, let’s ask ourselves, “Is it really so bad living in the house the way it is now?”
Before deciding we need an expensive vacation, let’s ask ourselves, “Maybe I just need a trip to the ice cream store?”
Before deciding we need to go away to a hotel for Pesach, let’s ask ourselves, “Maybe I just need to go away for a meal or two?”
Appreciating what we have will help curb our instinctive desire for what we don’t have. If we remind ourselves that we are already blessed, we won’t feel deprived when we restrain ourselves from purchasing more.
With a little bit of thought, patience and appreciation for what we have, we can stop the impulsivity, and stop spending money we don’t have for things we don’t need.